Infidelity

Dr. Shirley Glass is a Baltimore-based psychologist who has been studying infidelity for over 20 years. We asked Dr. Glass about the most common signs of affairs among ThirdAgers, as well as what it takes to repair a damaged relationship, the temptation of Internet affairs, and more.

ThirdAge: What are the most common causes of affairs among ThirdAgers?

Dr. Glass: Well, actually, the earliest research that I did was specifically geared for people married 12 years and more, compared to people who had affairs in the first two years of marriage, and what I found was that there were enormous sex differences. The men who had affairs were often satisfied with their marriages, whereas the women who had affairs in that age group were very unhappy with their marriages. I'd say that there's still a large group of men who have been married awhile, but they have these sexually-oriented relationships with women that they would not consider marrying.

One of the things that I think is happening more and more now, though, is since men and women are working together more as peers, you're seeing friendships with colleagues evolving into affairs, and those are much more threatening to the marriage because they have strong emotional ties.

ThirdAge: In the past, you've said that raising children can also put a strain on a relationship.

Dr. Glass: The marital research consistently reports that one of the most difficult times in a marriage, with the lowest satisfaction, is during the stage where you're raising teen-aged children. You see your kids going out on dates and growing away, and it brings out a lot of longings--nostalgia for when you were younger and somebody was courting you, the fear of getting older, the thought that you and your partner are going to be alone together again, that these kids are going to go out on their own. ...

It's important for couples to become more couple-centered and to become less child-centered, so that everything isn't family activities and family vacations and going en masse with the kids. One of the appeals of an affair is that it is an escape. It's a world of unreality where two people make an appointment to be together and they're focused solely on each other and they don't have to deal with all of the pressures of a kid having just gotten a failing grade or whatever. So it's important that a couple preserve some time just to be man and woman connecting, not just taking care of the business of their lives and of their families. Because when the kids leave, there's nothing left.

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