10 Tips For Enjoying Sex Without A Partner
Senior sex isn't just partner sex. Many of us don't have partners, yet keeping our sexual selves vibrant and healthy is crucial. For both men and women, it's true that if we don't use it, we lose it. Yet because we have less of a hormonal rush than we once did, especially if we're alone and maybe blue about that, we can fall into the rut of not thinking very often about sexual pleasure. Instead of letting that happen, let's see our marvelous bodies as still capable of orgasmic joy, and let's nurture that. Let's celebrate that we don't have to close down just because we're older and partnerless.
Here are some tips for bringing the sizzle back to your sex life -- on your own!
1. Plan for solo sex. At this time of life, we need slow arousal and gradual buildup. So give yourself enough private time to enjoy the journey without rushing. Set up whatever you need for comfort, such as special pillows. Shut off distractions like phone and computer, lock the door, and settle in for a good time.
2. Enjoy solo sex during high energy times. When do you feel most sexually charged? Right after you wake up? Mid-afternoon? If you feel the tingle, that's the moment to indulge in a solitary romp, rather than after a meal when you’re digesting or at night when your sensations are shutting down.
3. Create your own foreplay. Do sexy things that get you in the mood. Remember hot times with a special lover. Read erotica, watch porn (or, if you prefer, a movie with a star who always turns you on), write sexy thoughts in your journal, take a waterproof vibrator into the bath or shower -- whatever starts your path to arousal. Appreciate, decorate, and celebrate your body with lingerie, silk, velvet, massage oil, candlelight--anything that puts you in the mood.
4. Use a silky lubricant. Don’t settle for the drugstore variety. There are many different lubricants for moisture and slickness that feel great and bring back the joy of friction without pain, whether we’re using our hands or a toy. Experiment to find your favorites. Keep the lube within reach so you can reapply frequently.
5. Explore sex toys and other erotic helpers. Our hormonally challenged bodies may need extra help to reach orgasm these days, and our wrists may tire before we reach our goal. Women: Try a clitoral vibrator, with or without a dildo, depending whether you like the feeling of a full vagina. Men: Try a sleeve, cock ring, or prostate stimulator. Lucky for us that sex toys for both genders are easy to find, fun to try, and wow, do they work!
6. Fantasize. Let yourself explore fantasy scenes and partners, no limits. Your brain is your main sex organ! Be open to whatever comes into your mind, even if it is something you would not do in real life or with someone you consider off limits. No fantasy is “wrong,” and no one has to know what images or scenarios turn you on. Just go with it.
7. Be physical in daily life. Walking, biking, dancing, yoga, Pilates, lifting weights, and other forms of exercise all enhance blood flow and get you in touch with your own physicality. This translates to your sexual arousal because the blood flows to your genitals as well as to your muscles, making arousal easier and faster.
8. Realize that your solo practice not only gives you pleasure, it’s important for health. Experts recommend at least one orgasm a week for both men and women for genital health and for heart health as well. Weekly orgasms keep the pelvic floor strong and the nerves firing, boost the immune system, and reduce the risk of incontinence, depression, and heart disease. For men, regular orgasms are important for prostate health.
9. If you think you’re not in the mood, do it anyway. It’s too easy to put solo sex on the back burner, and once we’re out of the habit, it’s harder to get revved up again. So reread tips 1 to 8, and just do it. You’ll find that the physical arousal will happen, and that will trigger your emotional arousal which in turn triggers more physical arousal, until it’s all working just right.
10. Don’t think of solo sex as “settling for” a substitute for partner sex. You’re affirming your own sexuality, glorying in your body’s capability of pleasing you, and enjoying the journey. This is a gift you can give yourself whenever you want. Isn’t that wonderful?
See Also: Orgasms: Who Needs A Partner?
(Copyright by Joan Price and may not be reprinted without permission.)
Ageless sexuality advocate Joan Price is the author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty. Visit her award-winning blog about sex and aging at NakedAtOurAge.com and her web site, joanprice.com.