What is it that makes a middle-aged woman and man suddenly notice each other?
It happens regularly when we are younger and theories regarding childbearing are in play; but not so much as women get older. Many of us have experienced the isolation and frustration of being “invisible” to men when we’re over 50.
Fine with me. I’m not looking at men over 50 either. Following my separation and divorce, men literally made me sick. I’d feel like throwing up just seeing a man my ex-husband’s age. They all seemed to be preying on young women who didn’t notice their gigantic egos. I was sure I was through with men. They didn’t exist unless they were casual friends under 40.
And then out of the blue I did notice someone who was looking at me, too. How did that happen when I’ve been so careful not to let down my guard and get sucked into a losing proposition getting to know a man over 50?
“It is all chemistry and hormones,” says Marla Martenson, matchmaker (www.cupidforhire.com) and author of Excuse Me, Your Soulmate Is Waiting. “Things are happening underneath the surface that we humans are not even aware of. Middle aged women who are wounded, done with men, over the whole relationship thing, think they are too old, are sometimes blindsided
by desire. How does that happen again after being shut down?”
Pheromones -- natural chemical scents the body produces in order to attract others -- are well documented in the animal kingdom as the force that controls all social behavior, including mating.
Were we pheromoning each other?
Production of pheromones is at its peak around 18 and decreases dramatically after 40. That night I had no reason to have a pheromone aura other than I looked good and I knew it, which hasn’t happened in years.
But there was some kind of signal being sent out, triggering a powerful physical response. At one point, it was as if we were in a magnetic field. This gentleman grabbed my arm, spun me around, and guided me around the table so he could get some more Tostitos and dip, but it felt like we were dancing. There was an electric charge that had nothing to do with how interesting our conversation was.
“Our passions aren't governed by rationality,” says mid-life relationship expert Jim Duzak, also known as The Attorney at Love (www.attorneyatlove.com). The former divorce lawyer and mediator, and author of the 2007 book Mid-Life Divorce and the Rebirth of Commitment, counsels that the key is to gradually get your ‘head’ involved, so that your rational side can offer a needed counter-balance to your heart’s rapid beating.
“Sometimes it IS chemistry - the other person smells right, familiar, reminiscent of an old love, maybe even Daddy,” says sexologist Isadora Alman (www.askisadora.com), the author of Doing It: Real People Having Really Good Sex. “Whatever the components of instant attraction you can be sure there is an earlier imprinted pattern one harbors that this person awakens.”
It’s true that after being with someone who had a beard for 38 years, it was exciting to brush cheeks with a man who had a pm shadow that was a tiny bit prickly, just like my dad’s. After our social encounter, I started having flashbacks to the crushes I had nurtured throughout college and early marriage for “guys I can never be with so what’s the harm.” Only now I actually could be with those guys, if they were available, because I was too. I’d had too many fellows say to me after I was married that they had a crush on me, too, when I was living with my boyfriend, who later became my husband. I knew I had – or at least had had – something that attracted guys beyond looks, because they all had lovely girlfriends (that’s what they always wanted to talk to me about; whether they really loved their girlfriends or not). Maybe I still do have something.
Matchmaker Martenson says “romance and desire can happen at any time, any where, with someone you least expect it to, and that makes life sparkle and sizzle!” But it is how one builds on that first impression that determines a relationship.
Be sure not to put all your need for gratification in one basket. Don’t just rely on another person to provide excitement. Do something yourself to feel sexier: shake what God gave you in a Zumba class, get a new haircut or a daring (for you) dress or undergarment. You’ll bring more confidence to the male/female dance.
Be careful of the power of pent-up desire. Once released, there’s a risk of bingeing. Chemical attraction is a convenient ice breaker, but it doesn’t last. A great way to wake-up the body, but the mind must follow.
Judy Kirkwood writes for ThirdAge.com frequently.
