Expert Advice Q&A: Am I Sexually Adventurous Enough?

QUESTION: You've written that according to your research, the number one reason men give for not having sex with their wives is: "She's not sexually adventurous enough." What do they men mean by that? And don't women have legitimate complaints of that nature too?

ANSWER: The real question is not what "sexually adventurous" means, but what it represents. For most couples, the extreme passion and desire of new love quickly subsides. During those first few months of lovemaking, everyone's adventurous to varying degrees of personal comfort level, because everyone's really on an adventure. It's all exciting, and it's all new. (All right, not everyone, you're probably thinking, remembering someone you dated in grad school for about 10 minutes. But most people are.) Sadly, it may take as little as a year for all this passion to wane, and it rarely takes more than three. So, if either partner expects that high to last forever, they are in for a big disappointment. "Not sexually adventurous" can simply mean "I'm bored, and it must be my partner's fault." The thrill is gone.

When researching our book, He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It, 68 percent of the male respondents to our survey gave "not sexually adventurous" as a reason for no longer being intimate. It was, in fact, the most frequent reason they gave. And although it is certainly possible that some of their wives are less than experimental in bed, surely most of the men knew this before the wedding day. It seems more likely that this is a shifting of "blame" from themselves to their partner. They are exciting, skillful and passionate lovers; their spouses are not. (And by the way, only 14 percent of the women thought themselves lacking in adventure.)

Apart from sexual ennui, what men really mean depends on the individual, but most often it is either a lack of "appreciation" on the part of the wife (let's face it, everyone wants to be told "that was fantastic") or a lack of oral sex, about which numerous men complained. The following quotation from a 60-year old male married to a 49-year-old woman is representative of many: "She has one position and that's it, never changes. No foreplay. No oral sex." Since he doesn't mention if he attempted to add some variety, but she refused, he seems to be suggesting that all responsibility for newness, for adventure, is up to his wife.

There are the extremes -- men who want to experiment in "threesomes," S&M, or other behavior that is unappealing to their partners -- but they rarely showed up in our survey. We strongly believe that most men who make the "not adventurous" claim are looking for enthusiasm, fellatio, fantasy, and/or anything a little bit different (sex toys, sexy lingerie, candles, message oil). For the most part, the last thing they want to do is something extreme, like, say, attend a swinger's convention; they just want applause.

You ask if women have similar complaints. We are currently researching why women stop being intimate. (If you are currently or have ever been in a sexless relationship where the female stopped the intimacy, we would appreciate it if you participate in our new survey. There's a link at the bottom of this article.) To date, 44 percent of our female respondents give "not sexually adventurous" as a reason. Perhaps, in total, men have more of their self-worth tied into their sexual prowess, and are therefore more likely to point a finger at their spouse as being "not great in bed," or perhaps women expect, or want less. Perhaps women have different reasons for stopping intimacy, like anger, economic pressure, hormonal changes or low self-esteem. Still, 44 percent said it was a factor. Here's the way a few women explained the situation:

"He never gave much foreplay, climaxed too soon, and then fell asleep."

"Sex is routine. My husband never wants to try anything new."

"There's no passion, no romance."

So, men in sexless marriage say their wives lack adventure, and quite a few women say the same about their husbands. Can anything be done to bring it back?

First, you have to accept that it will probably never be the extreme, delicious, exciting adventure it once was. There is simply no formula for that. But it can be wonderful, close, connecting and passionate, focusing on your love and history. You can begin by talking about what you want, or showing examples of erotic literature you find exciting. As we have said many times, anything new can jumpstart passion, from a romantic dinner at home to a romantic weekend away. In fact, planning an exotic vacation, or even a new pastime, like hiking or working out together, can be effective.