Expert Advice: When It's Not Working in the Bedroom

QUESTION: I am in a relationship of two years, and both of us are in our 40s. We both agree that the sex we have together is the best of our lives. Recently, I tried role-playing in bed as if there was another woman there with us, and he played along. From my perspective, it was all just harmless fantasy: I have never been with another woman, nor would I actually want to be. Yet lately, he's been looking at every woman for a possible bedroom encounter with us, and has even called me a lesbian a couple of times during an argument. How should I react to this behavior? I am concerned that I have ruined our trust with the fantasy, and I feel upset by his accusations. What can I do to stop thinking that he is going to hurt me with words or actions?

ANSWER: Sometimes people forget (or choose not to accept) that fantasies are just fantasies. Although some fantasies may be great if they actually happen (like, say, dreaming about the two of you on a beach in the Caribbean on a dreary winter afternoon, and then buying a pair of airline tickets and going on vacation), those of a sexual nature are usually best left as playful imagery -- just a fun way to spice things up.

That the vast majority of people never act out their role-playing (and don't want to) is a good thing. It is extremely unlikely that the real experience could ever live up to the scenario that you've conjured up. After all, you are the writer, director, and star of your fantasy. It's always perfect and it's always good for you. (And, by the way, many men would perceive a real threesome as a threat, either worried that they couldn't possibly satisfy two women, or concerned that their partner might prefer the other woman or man to them.)

But, back to why your partner seems to be having difficulty separating fact from fiction. Why doesn't he realize that this is a bit of play-acting on your part, not unlike the "make-believe" fun that you might have participated in as a kid? For many men, the ménage-à-trois fantasy is very exciting, and from what you say, your boyfriend was no exception. The problem is, now that it's over, he can't let it go.

Did the two of you ever discuss your private fantasies prior to this experience? If those two years of "the best sex of your lives" never included any role-playing, perhaps you caught him completely off-guard. You mention that he has been "looking at every woman for a possible bedroom connection," which indicates he may be thinking that, as they say in Disney World, "believe and your dreams will come true." He may not be willing to accept that you were only "making believe."

If you haven't already done so, tell him in no uncertain terms (and make sure he hears you) that a ménage-à-trois was just a fantasy, and not something you have ever done or ever intend to do. You might add that you will be happy to come up with more fantasies, and that he should feel free to do so as well, as long as he is clear that this is just playing.

What seems more alarming is that he has calledyou a lesbian a couple of times while you are fighting, using the wordas a derogatory term. This is both prejudicial and insulting. It ispossible that he is afraid that you might prefer a woman, and that youmight even leave him for this reason. Or, your play-acting may havetriggered a fear in him that he isn't pleasing you in bed, and this hasmade him angry and insecure. Hence, his use of the word "lesbian" as anepithet. (By the way, women aren't the only ones who have same-sexfantasies. Your fantasy may have triggered a similar one in yourboyfriend, except, in his version, it is the two of you and anotherman. He might even be transferring a fear that he'sgay onto you.) Regardless, you need to tell him (again, in no uncertainterms) that he has to cease and desist in this hostilemischaracterization of your, or anyone else's, sexuality.

It is, frankly, extremely puzzling why some innocent play-acting onyour part would backfire so completely and seriously. We stronglyrecommend that you talk about this -- if necessary, with a couple'stherapist. It's a shame that he's put you in this place because itseems that, up until now, you not only had a good sex life, but a goodrelationship. If so, that's definitely worth fighting for.

The lesson here may be that before beginning to engage in fantasy, oneneeds to be clear that it is only imaginary, and that what happens inthe bedroom stays in the bedroom. Fantasies should be shared betweentwo partners in their own private little world, and not with anyoneelse. And, above all, a fantasy revealed should never, ever, be turnedinto a weapon.