Q&A
My husband is having affairs over the phone and won't stop. It is ruining our relationship! What can I do?
I am 60 and my husband is 64 and we have been married for 5 years. We no longer have sex because my husband carries on with other women. By that I mean he has “friends” that he talks to sexually -- 95% sexually explicit -- over the phone. I am not saying he pays for phone sex; these are women whom he has known longer than me.
When I explained to him how much these conversations hurt me, his comment was: “You just don't understand my friendship with these women.” He is not physically intimate with any of them but to me it is still infidelity.
I have gone to counseling. (He will not go so I went without him.) He says I am all he could want and treats me wonderfully in every other aspect of our marriage. I have completely withdrawn from intimacy, and am very depressed. My question is: Why does he do this?
It is very difficult to say why you husband behaves this way. A man who has “virtual” affairs, whether over the phone or online, often have an intense fear of commitment. In the case of your husband, he probably means it when he says you are all he wants. He probably loves you; after all, he married you, and not one of these other women whom you say he knew before he met you.
The problem is, he doesn’t think he deserves your love, and is terrified that you will leave. It is curious that so often a person afraid of being abandoned often pushes his loved one out the door. That’s what’s happening here. If you stay, it’s proof that you love him, no matter what.
He seems to have no intention of physically cheating on you, and may not even think of what he is doing as infidelity. To him it is just masturbatory fantasy. He doesn’t focus on one woman, there are several. He may as well be flipping pages in a men’s magazine, or looking at pornography on the Internet, except that he needs the added excitement of really knowing these women, and thinking they care about him.
We can only surmise these things from your email, of course. What concerned us most about your question is that he is having these conversations when you are home, and that after you confronted him he refused to give up his “friends.” He is showing no remorse, and no desire to change. He has refused to join you in therapy. And yet, his behavior is clearly aberrant.
Is it possible that he is on a medication that is causing this strange behavior? Might he have suffered a small stroke? Is he on a prescription drug and drinking alcohol, too? Be aware that it is a rare man who would call these “friends” while you are at home, and then not be willing to abandon them after you ask him to, and yet still say you are all he wants. This is illogical and erratic.
It is also possible that he has a chemical imbalance or neurological problem. If he won’t see a therapist, perhaps he will at least see his physician to rule out these issues, or deal with them.
It is excellent that you are in therapy. We suggest that you spend time there focusing on your options. If you want to stay in the marriage, how can you best deal with this situation? What do you do about your depression? Are you comfortable giving your husband an ultimatum, or do you want to learn how to adapt? Why are you willing to accept his behavior, if you choose to do so?
We also suggest you tell your husband how painful this all is for you, and how you believe a good marriage is based on fidelity, honesty, and mutual respect. You say that you are depressed, and that you have withdrawn intimacy. That is understandable, but not the basis for a marriage. Again, your therapist may help you sort this all out, either with your husband, or alone.
