Q&A
My wife has not wanted any sex for at least the past three years. She will not kiss, touch or feel. Any discussion of the subjec
My wife has not wanted any sex for at least the past three years. She will not kiss, touch or feel. Any discussion of the subject brings a quick response such as, "That's all you ever think about."
For most of our years together, our love life was OK -- not great but OK. Now there just isn't any. We have had marriage counseling three times, but she refused to get personal counseling. She does get her yearly pap smear and mammogram, and there doesn't seem to be a physical problem -- she takes no medication at all, has never had any surgery, and she is usually lubricated easily. But she refuses to talk about this with a doctor. My libido is still good, but I am reduced to masturbation, which is not fulfilling. Yesterday she asked me that if I was so unhappy, why I didn't get a divorce. This could break us up. Any ideas?
At the risk of asking the obvious, what in the world happened three years ago? People rarely, if ever, suddenly end all intimacy in their marriage for absolutely no reason at all. And you indicate your wife has even gone a step further than that -- no touching of any kind is allowed. Clearly, she is very angry -- so angry in fact that she has suggested you get divorced if you don't want to live on her terms.
You write that you went into counseling together, briefly. But surely, even after only three sessions, she would have revealed something about the cause of her anger. It seems unlikely that her moratorium on sex was never discussed at all. Perhaps you're not listening, or maybe you both know the cause but either or both of you choose not to take responsibility for the reasons. You seem to believe that the couples' counseling was unsuccessful because she refused to go into therapy alone as well. This sounds to us like you're putting all the accountability on her for what's wrong with your marriage, although you surely realize that marital problems are almost never one-sided. If you think individual therapy is important, what's stopping you from seeing a therapist on your own, and setting an example?
Although you say that "there doesn't seem to be a physical problem," your only evidence is that she gets a yearly pap smear and mammogram. It is excellent that your wife sees her doctor and does these important procedures, but neither have anything to do with what may be preventing her from being sexually active. If nothing extraordinary happened three years ago, it is possible that pain during intercourse due to a lack of lubrication and/or a thinning of the vaginal walls has made your wife decide to no longer be sexual. After all, if sex has become painful it is obviously not something she would want to do. (Although you say "she is usually lubricated easily," you haven't been intimate with her in three years, so this may no longer be true.) Her doctor is not a mind reader, so he/she would not know to make any recommendations to help alleviate these conditions if your spouse refuses to talk about them. There are some highly-effective, low dosage estrogen tablets and creams on the market that might be beneficial if this is a problem.
There are other things that might have caused your wife's sex drive to suddenly disappear. Although you mention that she is taking no medications, depression might be a reason, especially if it goes untreated. Hormonal changes accompanying menopause also sometimes result in an altered sex drive. You don't indicate any valid or imaginary suspicions of infidelity on either of your parts, but if something triggered a lack of trust for any reason three years ago, that might certainly lead to anger and an end of intimacy.
This brings us back to what we first said: Whatever the reason, your wife sounds very, very angry. That report card rating on your love life you write about is revealing -- "not great, but OK." Perhaps she picked up on that feeling. Did you do anything to try and improve it from the level of just "OK"? A surprise weekend escape? Flowers? Simply saying, "I'm proud to be your husband and I love you"? Her current position of "no touching, kissing or feeling" certainly sounds like unexpressed rage, and, in addition, she seems to be seeing how far she can push you away by daring you to call the divorce lawyer.
Our guess is both of you knows what happened three years ago, and neither is willing to acknowledge or talk about it. If you want to save your marriage, you've got to face it head on. We suggest you focus less on the lack of sex and more on the reason behind the lack of sex. That is, on fixing the emotional problems in your relationship.
