My Year of No Sex

Posted in celibacy, chastity, sex, story

When you decide to give up sex and begin a year of chastity, it's not something you rush to tell people.

In a super-sexualized society that uses orgasms to flog shampoo, with even online avatars having affairs, opting out feels like the last conceivable taboo.

In my own case, I'd assumed I was retreating into a more private sphere. It never occurred to me to blog about my quest, and the book I have written was an idea that arrived late in the journey.

For a while, I didn't tell my friends, either. When I did step out of my chaste closet, I found others didn't quite see it the same way. In fact, they felt licensed to ask all sorts of questions they'd ordinarily have kept to themselves.

"What do you do?" wondered one girl, squinting at me in disbelief."Is it because of me?" asked a guy who'd once invited me home with him. And then there was the question which came up most often -- what did I have planned for my year's end? As an ex put it, "There has to be some kind of payoff, right?"

If there was going to be a party, nobody wanted to miss it.

The question I heard least frequently was the only one I had really been anticipating: "Why?"

Plenty of people have thought about hopping off the sexual merry- go-round.

Sex and its pursuit seem to have become such blood sports, their rules so confusing, and their standards so exacting, it is hard not to wonder occasionally whether it's worth it. At the same time, sexiness is so ubiquitous it has become a bit of a turn-off.

In the past decade, everything from political dossiers to ballroom dancing has been sexed-up.

It's easy to become jaded, and that's perhaps part of the problem: it's not so much sex that's everywhere, but a toned, tanned, airbrushed pastiche that verges on neutering and has less and less to do with the real thing.

I'd thought those thoughts once or twice, but it would never have occurred to me that I'd actually go ahead and voluntarily eject sex from my life.

It took a bizarre serendipity, a torrid affair and a chance anecdote to make me realize the kind of sex I was supposed to be cool with as a post-feminist, 21st century Western woman -- a casual sort of intimacy without intimacy -- was not working for me.

One of my motivations for embracing chastity was a sense that sex had grown impersonal -- that it was nothing more than a game of tennis -- as a 30-something marketing whiz insisted to me while I was researching a magazine article on casual sex.

I've never been any good at tennis, yet I felt like I was the one at fault, so I kept trying.

Source: YellowBrix, Daily Record; Glasgow (UK)
trvalentin's picture
Amazing story... I'm turning 44 next month & I've actually abstained from sex with a husband next to me. lol I know it seems ludacrous but it is true. Next month on my birthday was the last time that I had an orgasm w/a human lol. Other than that, I've masturbated rarely because it feels strange. I do however enjoy my own company & my job (which is really fulfilling). At times I do wonder if I'm normal, but I can only imagine that there are many other women whom have experienced this or are experiencing it too. ;)
tealmauve8's picture
As seems evident from the comments here, people's attitudes about having sex or not having it are "all over the map." So -- it's hard to find the author's "experiment" or any one of these subsequent views particularly fascinating. It's a little like hearing everyone's comment on how they brush their teeth or how often they wash the car. Who cares? It's a personal decision, feel free to do what works for you.
carlotica's picture
Think that is strange or not true. Well I met my husband 27 years ago and have never had sex with him, of any kind. when I met him he had just lost his second wife and I think was still really mourning for the first one. I was 46 when I met him and he 58. You can get horny all you want but its always the scruples that stop you from straying away from your marraige. I think that I have the most wonderful husband out there Ed and all. I used to think alot about sex but have learned to live with out it. as the saying goes it's all in your head. but I am happy for all of you out there that can have it as long as your remain responsible for your sake.
dtshirt4u's picture
I have decided to be celibate after my husband died, we had a good sex life and we trusted each other not to cheat. Besides there was no reason to, we loved each other and enjoyed each other. The men I have talked to since his death have been very non-committal and yes alot of people today do practice casual unprotected sex. What's strange to me is that people seem to have forgotten, or either figure if you don't mention it there are no std's or HIV and AIDS still very much out here. I would rather wait on someone that is like me, concerned about the diseases out here and wants to have a monogamous relationship not one night stands. I also don't understand the comment from the married man that suffers from ED there are things you can do with your wife that would be sexually satisfying to take care of your urges. Also you can speak to your doctor and he should be able to help you in that department as well, sometime just changing medications will solve the problem. My husband had HBP had ED at one point and we still had a satifying love life. In fact he overcame (no pun intended) his ED after awhile. You need to communicate and discuss this with your wife, your sex life does not have to stop. Oh and btw my husband was 75 when he passed, twenty years older than me. He used to jog everyday so he had alot of stamina. ;))
jlcms's picture
I don't find this strange at all. Refreshing I would say. Like anything else, sex is a choice not an uncontrollable mania. There is nothing wrong with holding out for what is right for you, not what society insists you must be. Most people are too insecure to make a choice like this. Some people mate like bunnies. That is their choice. Others don't and that is a choice too. Neither has the right to critique the other or judge. As I said, a very refreshing person.
thindi's picture
How odd that someone would make a decision to be responsible and not act like an alley cat.. and people would criticize that. I am always amazed how casual people are about sex.. it is not casual.. it is not a sport.. it is an important part of a committed relationship. It is sad state of affairs that people feel that they have to have sex when they aren't married.
donnalee333's picture
What I'd find more interesting is not how long a person goes without sex as how long a person is dating someone before they have sex with that person. In my last relationship, I drew the line at intercourse until I felt comfortable enough, because as a woman that's where I feel the most vulnerable. It turned out to take about 3-1/2 months with this particular man. But in the meantime, we had other kinds of sex and sexual play that were in themselves quite enjoyable! My gentleman friend didn't seem to mind.
riverside13's picture
C'mon, lets get real! When you're hungry you eat! When your thirsty you're drink! When you're horny, you screw!!!! Victorian crap is passe!!! Unless of course you accommodate and are frigid!
pokerhead's picture
This article is strange because what about your primal urges? Men and women both have them. I had a mild stroke last year and now I have ED as a result of HBP medication. I have not had sexual relations with my wife for almost a year! I am going absolutely nuts without sex! We used to have sex about 2-3 times per week prior to my stroke. Can you imagine suddenly cutting it off without warning? I am so horney I could climb a mountain or do something else like that. I have always had a very high sex drive and lots of Testosterone. My normal volume of semen is very high, therefore I need to ejaculate regularly. I'm not trying to be crude here just honest. I just can't understand people today. You want sex, next you don't. Try living with none when you want it so bad you have wild urges every day. I think the problem is you don't know what you want....I do!
sprat's picture
Just recently I had to end what a thought was a budding relationship. It ended becaue, guess what? I am not into casual sex and when he realized that I was not willing to live that kind of lifestyle he lost interest. Too bad, I think.
sprat's picture
I read the article. It was very interesting what the person wrote. While I am not a prude too often women I think need to have value on themselves and to ensure that having sex for the sake of it is not the way to go. We need to have value on ourselves and to respect our inner self as well as our bodies. I would imagine that one would need to have built a relationship before jumping into bed with someone. Perhaps I do not live in a real world. However, in my world that how I think it should be.
guenwyvar's picture
I'm single & celibate as are several unmarried friends & some who are divorced. We discussed it & decided that the so called "new" casual sex thing was really not worth it & not what we wanted as women. We want stable relationships with men that love & want us. Like our mothers had.Good solid marriages with good men. We see people with STDs,guys using women just for sex & vice versa,women having sex because it's expected & not because their hearts are involved,people following the superficial pop culture bandwagon...which is NEVER EVER a one size fits all, & playing stupid relationship games. People,esp women, don't always have minds of their own & don't look inward to see what they really want & go for it. Instead they try to be people pleasers ,have sex 'cause the man is there & expects it & wind up hurt or disillusioned. I can enjoy the company of men with out the hassle . I'm glad I learned those lessons from my late mother at an early age .Saved me from a world of hurt & unnecessary drama .
mimi29827's picture
I don't think this is something I would do to get better in tune with myself, but it's grand to see someone, anyone, turning inward; looking and questioning self and foregoing what's expected by everyone around. Kudos, but am relieved that your year is over. (Hope it wasn't a case of ANY idea to sell a book.)
Swimdancer's picture
I certainly wouldn't want to marry this gal.
mntnman80401's picture
What he said! ^^^^^^^^^^^
tj318's picture
What a laugh !!!! Lots of folks go longer than a year without sex not by choice !!!