Q&A: Can Masturbation Ruin a Marriage?

QUESTION: I've been with my husband for more than 10 years and I still catch him masturbating. I have explained to him that it upsets me, and he keeps telling me he'll stop, but within two weeks, I catch him again. I'm always ready to please him, but for some reason it seems to do no good. He says it has nothing to do with me, but it's causing him to lie to me. We love each other, and he's worried I'll leave him because of this (which I might). Do you have any advice, or can you recommend a therapist for him?

ANSWER: I'd like you to start by taking a breath and stepping back from the situation. I think you need to redefine the situation in order to improve it.

This is not something your husband is doing that he needs to change. Like most problems in relationships, it is a couple's issue that has to be discussed and worked on together. As long as you're accusing your husband and saying he needs to get help, you're not going to get anywhere.

Masturbation is not a replacement for sex. Just because he's masturbating doesn't mean that he doesn't desire you. Men and women masturbate for all sorts of reasons, only some of which are a substitute for sex with a partner.

Making him promise not to masturbate is probably not a healthy approach because most people continue to masturbate when they're in a relationship. He may mean it at the time when he promises not do it any longer, but he'll probably masturbate again, so all this does is make him feel guilty and prompt him to lie. You, on the other hand, will feel suspicious and worry whether he's misleading you again. All of this will lead to mistrust and resentment. Plus, it shuts off all communication.

It's far better to talk about it than to give ultimatums and I'm sure you can find a way that both of you can be happy and have your needs met. If you have a requirement that none of your partners are allowed to masturbate once they meet you, you're destined for a disappointing and unhappy life. Cut your man some slack and work together to create a solution -- together.