Q&A: My Husband Rejects Me for Porn

Question:
My husband and I have been together for five years. We've always had a great sex life until few months ago when he started to reject my advances. Thirty minutes later, however, I would find him in the study watching porn and pleasuring himself. I'd feel devastated and, when I'd ask him about it, he'd lie. I've even tried watching porn with him. We still have sex about three times a week (as opposed to our usual six or seven times a week), but I feel like porn is more important to him than I am. Please help!

Steve says:
You still have sex how many times a week? Please, most of us would kill for that kind of frequency. So he likes porn! Remind yourself that he likes you, too.

Not to worry: Say two affirmations and call me in the morning. Seriously though, after five years, sex with the same partner can become a bit old-hat. That's normal. Does this mean you should settle for stale? Probably not. But a guy pleasuring himself after a few years in the same relationship is par for the course. Using visuals? Also par for the course.

So the problem here is how you talk to yourself about the problem. What you think dictates how you feel. Think that porn is more important to him than you are, and you're likely to feel threatened and worried. Tell yourself that this is fairly normal behavior for a male five years into a relationship -- and remind yourself that your husband still has sex with you several times a week -- and you're likely to feel differently about it.

There are, however, two ways to change your relationship. Besides changing how you talk to yourself, you can change how you talk to your partner. I'll let mine fill you in on that one!

Cathy says:
I'm more concerned about this than Steve. Pornography can be addictive and really put a wedge in closeness during sex. He might be so engaged in his fantasies that you pull back and act like a spectator in your own sexual arena.

We get into ruts. Sex can be just that -- sex -- as well as making love, lust, routine, new, uneasy, boring, sweet, quick, long... Perhaps he doesn't know how to tell you he wants a change. Or he might be lying to avoid hurting your feelings or having a confrontation.

Ask him questions. For instance, what attracts him most? How often would he like to make love? What does he like about masturbating and watching porn? What does he like about your sexual relationship? What could you both do to improve it?

Talk to him. Give him information about what you like. Focus on the positives, and be clear about what you will do and what you can't change. Put ideas out on the table, sort through what you each want, and then work toward the middle to compromise and come up with a plan you both can live with.