Q&A: My Husband Won't Touch My Chest Since My Mastectomy

Dear Dr. Betty,

I had a breast removed 12 years ago and my husband still won't touch or look at my breasts. What should I do? --D.

Dear D.,

To say that you've been on an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. Now more than ever you need emotional support from your husband to feel physically attractive. The new field of psychoimmunology, which studies the interaction of mind and body, explains how this support is also vital for a healthy immune system to fight your cancer.

Before taking an attacking stance and thinking, "What an insensitive person my husband is!" try to understand what he might be feeling.

When men first hear about their wives' cancer, they fear she might die. They want to solve the problem but instead feel helpless, overwhelmed, inadequate, confused, frustrated, and scared. Most women report that after the initial shock wears off, their husbands are very supportive. Those who aren't supportive keep a distance from their wives to lessen their fear of potential loss.

Husbands may anticipate and dread the end of a close physical relationship. With the physical insults to their wives from surgery and, in some cases reconstructive surgery, men see them go through enormous mood changes. Clearly, these fears can challenge any relationship. Furthermore, your husband's avoidance of your breasts for 12 years indicates to me that the two of you could be experiencing larger problems with intimacy.

Because of that fact, let's take a closer at your relationship.

Some Questions to Ponder:

• Why have you endured his behavior for so long?
• Do you think you deserve to be treated with more respect and love?
• Were there problems in your relationship before your illness that were never resolved?
• Are you afraid your husband will leave you if you confront him?

First, you need to believe that you deserve better in a relationship.Research shows that a fighting attitude or complete denial are twosurvival tactics for your illness, but helplessness is toxic. For yourown well being, let go of helpless feelings by following these tips foremotional -- and possibly physical -- survival:

1. Say a wholehearted Yes! to life. You've survived for 12 years andyou have many more years ahead of you. How do you want to spend them?

Try an exercise called "The last day of life" and ask yourself, "If Ihad one day left to live, what would I do, where, with whom and howwould I want to be treated?" Once you answer these questions, worktowards your envisioned plan every day.

2. If you haven't clearly told your husband how you feel, a talkis in order. Let him know his avoidance of your breasts affects and hurts you.Then turn the tables and ask him how he would feel if he had one of histesticles removed and you avoided looking at or touching him. Thiscould put your feelings into perspective, lead to an honest discussion,and cause him to take action!

3. Once you start communicating, bring up your husband's lack of interest inlooking at or touching your breasts. This can be as difficult for youas it is for him -- for instance, his avoidance may have resulted fromyour need to avoid him. Be casual and tackle this issue slowly andeasily. For example, while taking a walk together have him touch yourbreast through your clothing.

4. Undress in front of your husband but don't make a big deal out of it.

5. When ready, sit naked on the floor in front of a mirror with yourhusband behind you. Take his hands and move them slowly over yourchest. Next, have him explore your chest on his own.

6. Take showers and baths together. Remember, you're attempting toestablish a comfort level together and keep communicating and sharingyour feelings.

If, after all your efforts, your husband stillrefuses to look at or touch your breasts, then examine yourrelationship in depth with a counselor. No matter what the outcome of your relationship, life gives you many choices. Make the most of them.

Suggested Reading:

• The Breast Cancer Companion by Kathy LaTour (William Morrow & Co., 1994).
• Breast Cancer: Strategies for Husbands to Support Wives by Jim Eckmann (Nehemiah, 1995).

Take Action:

• One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime. Discover how you can help make a difference.