QUESTION: I have a physical disability (walk with a limp, use a cane, and have other physical problems) and have found it difficult to discuss it and how my body works with potential sexual partners. Any ideas about when and how I can address this with new people in my life?
ANSWER: Sometimes people with disabilities have already talked about their disability prior to a date. The topic could surface in some shape or fashion when you first meet the person. If the topic of your disability has not come up prior to the first date, it will most likely naturally surface at some point in the conversation.
For example, it may be that a conversation begins around your cane, your modified car (if you have one), or a disability-related comment that is made. While you may be worrying about how to bring the topic up, your partner, whether he or she is disabled or able-bodied, is probably thinking about the same thing. Your dating partner may not want to offend you but may feel the need to ask you questions. Perhaps he or she may wonder what arrangements need to be made to accommodate your disability during a date. Because of nervousness, he or she may simply blurt out, "What is your disability, and what do I need to do to arrange a date?" Although some individuals feel OK with this direct approach, others may not know how to respond to such a remark.
It is important to remember that these questions also come up when two people with disabilities date each other. Contrary to popular belief, people with disabilities are not all alike, and they do have questions about friends and dating partners with different types of disabilities. Talking about sex can be even more stressful than speaking about your disability alone. Both are taboo topics and it is not easy to start a conversation about either. You may need to talk about the ways that your body moves or doesn't move, any pain that you experience in sexual positions, and any bowel or bladder issues that you may have. Given the uneasiness that can surface around talking about one's disability in addition to sexuality and disability issues, here are some helpful hints: Talk about your disability within your own comfort zone. Speak about your disability as it naturally occurs in conversation. If you are asked directly about it, answer with details that are informative, but not to the degree that you launch into a 30-minute speech about the ins and outs of your condition. If this date turns into more of a serious relationship, there will be plenty of time to discuss the specifics of your disability. If you are someone who, in general, feels less at ease discussing your disability, think about what you may want to say ahead of time. Sometimes people practice how they can talk about their disability to a friend. Anticipating the question feels better when you have a response in mind. If it makes you feel better, think about what you might say if you were asked directly about your disability. Some people, no matter the level of comfort, have a response that they always give to this question. Think about what feels right to you and go for it!Be prepared to talk about sex. Your partner may ask you about sex as he or she thinks that a relationship is proceeding in that direction. It may be something as simple as, "I really want to kiss you and touch you but am afraid that I will hurt you. Is it OK?" Think about these types of questions and how you may want to respond. You may want to respond to such a question by saying that you will let him or her know if something is hurting you and that you will help the person through the experience. Let him or her know that you will take control and be the guide until you two get the swing of things.
Source: Health & Wellness
