Sex with Your Ex: Good or Bad?

By Eve Marx

When one refers to one’s ex, “sex” isn’t usually the next word. Whether that “ex” is an old boyfriend or former husband, having sex with them again is out of the question. Or is it?

While everyone ponders the intimacy level about famous celebrity breakups where the ex-couples still seem sexy and playful with each other (think Courtney Cox/ David Arquette; Pete Wentz/Ashlee Simpson; Cameron Diaz/ Justin Timberlake), an extraordinary number of nonfamous people who used to “be together,” remain physically attracted and have sexual chemistry, even when the rest of the relationship went south. There are a ton of good reasons to avoid having sex with a-still-attractive-to you ex. He or she is remarried. You’ve established boundaries. Most dangerously, you’re probably still in love with that person, and being intimate would be disastrous for your head. And then there’s sex as revenge, a last chance to get even, which could be considered a plus under certain circumstances. But let’s consider the upsides to having one (or two) final flings.

He Knows what You Like Sexually speaking, you and he have always been “in synch.” A shorthand develops between sexually compatible partners. He knows what you like, and your body easily responds to him. After a breakup, you may find it difficult to find a new partner with whom you really click. For pure physical and sexual release, your ex may still (at least temporarily) be the best partner to take you there.

He's Available He’s available and, like hot pizza, delivered. This situation is more common when younger kids are involved, and because of the rules of shared custody, he brings the kids home and sometimes stays for dinner and other child-related evening routines. But it can also happen with former couples who attend an out-of-town event like a wedding. Proximity, especially if you haven’t seen each other for awhile, can be arousing. He’s there. You’re there. And your hotel room is just upstairs.

You're Horny It’s considered crass to discuss this, but if in your marriage, you were “getting it regularly,” your breakup has led to a lapse in service. Your body might be very hungry. You might be too busy (or bitter) to date, but without dating, you’re not getting any. So there he is, your ex, ready and willing to accommodate, and you’re both ready to swear that no strings are attached.

You Don't Have to Regret Anything There’s nothing illegal about having sex with your ex, although your children, your friends, and especially your therapist won’t approve of it. The thing is, sex with exes does happen and sometimes it feels good and the right thing for the moment.

Already had sex with your ex, and it was an error? So do lots of people. Don't beat yourself up, hold no grudges and move on.

About the Author

Eve Marx frequently writes about sex and love for ThirdAge. She is the author of a number of books, including "Flirtspeak: The Sexy Guide to Flirting."