Sex Without Orgasm

QUESTION: I can't seem to have an orgasm these days. All the things that worked before just don't seem to anymore. It is not a lack of love for my partner or that he no longer turns me on. It is more a physiological reason, I believe. Sometimes no matter how hard (or long) we try, it just doesn't happen. I truly miss (and grieve) the special passion that we used to share. I'm very much in love, still, after 26 years, and still willing to satisfy my mate in other ways. But wow, it is a part of life that is sad to think that orgasms are behind me. Any thoughts or suggestions on how to feel that special passion again -- with or without an orgasm?


ANSWER: Your question is an excellent one, and extremely relevant. We are currently researching this topic, and we asked a panel of men if their partners had difficulty achieving orgasm, and more than 50 percent agreed or strongly agreed. The women were asked the same question, and 47 percent agreed or strongly agreed that orgasm was rare and elusive.

This difficulty in achieving orgasm is, of course, a major difference between men and women. Unless men are taking medication that inhibits the ability to orgasm (some antidepressants, for example) or using street drugs (cocaine, for example,) most can orgasm quickly when stimulated (the average is 2 1/2 minutes), and they can do so without romance, serenity, or even a particularly skilled partner. Women, however, need an average of 20 minutes to attain orgasm, and "average" tells us that many clearly need more time than that. In addition to time, they may also require serenity, pleasant surroundings, romance, and a partner who is aware of how to please his lover. They may require love. All of this may seem obvious, but we can't help but believe a lot of people stop having sex with their partners because the sex isn't worth having.

Your situation is, of course, different. You mention that you are still very much in love after 26 years, and seem to indicate that you once had no difficulty attaining orgasm. That makes you very fortunate. So fortunate, in fact, that it seems strange that you are depriving yourself and your husband of something that you both enjoy, climactic ending or not. We can't know from the information you have provided why you are currently having difficulty, but orgasm is mercurial for many women at different stages of their lives. Your situation may stem from hormonal changes occurring during menopause. The fear of not being able to orgasm may have created a vicious cycle for you. Few things prevent a female orgasm more than stress and lack of concentration on the moment.Why punish yourself (and him) for something that really hasn't ended, but changed? You say that you want to feel that special passion again. If by that you mean the incredible lust of the first few months or years, we have unfortunate news. It simply won't happen. We are hardwired so that type of passion is replaced by the calm, relaxed Sunday kind of love that comes with long-term commitment, wonderful memories, and plans for the future. For most people, it is a trade worth making. This doesn't mean that sex and passion end, but they do change. There are few, if any, couples making love with the passion of the very first time after 26 years.
We think, however, that you just want to feel desire for your husband again. It may well be that you need more or a different kind of stimulation than your lovemaking has provided for you in the past in order to have an orgasm. You didn't mention whether you can still climax through masturbation. If so, just for now you may need the kind of touch that you can provide on your own or through the use of a vibrator. This can be incorporated into your lovemaking as long as you talk to your husband about this beforehand. Make sure that he understands that this is not a reflection of his lack of skill as a lover. Explain that over time we sometimes need a different kind of intensity for sex to be satisfying. As men age they also may need more stimulation -- not only to get and maintain an erection, but also to climax. If you're going to masturbate during sex, make sure that your lover is part of the process; only the two of you can determine how. No man wants to think that he is easily replaceable by an electronic device. Part of the enjoyment of lovemaking is his connection, emotionally as well as physically. But even if you don't orgasm, sex can still be a wonderful way to touch each other on all levels. There may even be something liberating about the idea of making love just for the pure joy of it without even thinking about whether or not you have an orgasm. As you say, this is someone you love very much. Connecting physically is just another way of expressing that passion. Don't let obsessing about the end result overwhelm the beauty of the process. The Hindu and Buddhist practitioners of tantra, for example, stress the sacredness and spirituality of sex between lovers, and suggest avoiding orgasm.
1 2 3 Next
Source: Relationships & Love

Print Article