Frustrated? Sexually?
How many couples live out some variation of this situation, little realizing that they may well be causing the other's reaction? How many end up at loggerheads over sex or with some kind of emotional distance between them because of it?
Despite the stereotypes, it's not always men who want sex and women who don't. I'm not sure where that myth comes from, but most men find at some stage of their lives that there are hours in a day and even days in a week when they don't think about sex. Or when perhaps the brain is engaged, but the equipment just doesn't want to play.
Another not uncommon possibility is that the flesh may be ready and raring to go, but the heart is not in it. An erection means that a man can have sex; it doesn't mean that he wants to or ought to or is going to get an opportunity to.
There are also many women whose libido is higher than their partner's. Women who have grown beyond all of the ways their socialization can repress their sexuality may well find themselves in the driving seat of their sexual relationship. Someone else may be frustratingly applying the brakes. Having learned how to fly and make the most of an impressive engine capacity, it can be devastating to have no one wanting to soar with you. This is one area where flying solo is often not the most desired mode.
Whichever gender that is happening to, it can be painful. No one likes to feel rejected; that can be a real challenge for the self-esteem. The first impulse is to assume a loss of attractiveness, but in fact, that's often not even a part of the picture. It can be hard to believe that, though, when no interest is being shown.Often a vicious downward spiral is set in place. Lots of effort may be put into persuading, seducing or shaming the less interested partner to put out. But who wants to have sex with someone who is going to sulk all day if you say no? Since when has that been a turn-on? Hints, jokes and gropes don't do it, either.It's great to put time and energy into keeping sex alive in the relationship, but how that's done is quite a delicate matter. Anything that puts the less-interested partner under pressure is guaranteed to fail. Pressure is a big turnoff for most people.Don't Give UpNot doing anything isn't the answer, either.Resentment and loneliness lead to criticism or negativity. Sometimesnot getting needs met at home is used as an excuse to stray. Thebiggest mistake people make in this situation is to assume this is theend. No longer "in love," it's all over.Yet most couples aren't synchronized swimmers, as much as there isthat longing for a perfect fit at times. Regardless of gender, theremay well be times when one is ready and raring to go and the other isin no-go mode. How that is dealt with and how the relationship is caredfor day-to-day will determine whether this is occasional or thebeginning of a problem. This is a common situation that brings couplesin for the expert help of sex therapists.
In all areas of relationships, there are bound to be times ofutter frustration where it simply feels like both are no longer walkingthe same path. That's totally normal it's what happens next that willdetermine whether a serious a problem arises or not.Not everyone is articulate in the language of the heart, nor innegotiating conflict. But some words are essential to work through thissort of situation.It's important to find a way to name the problem withoutblaming. Try to remember you're both on the same team, even if itdoesn't feel like it sometimes. Sit down and have a joint discussionabout how each of you is seeing and experiencing your relationship. Bereassuring to each other about how much you care.Sexually, the rhyme about the knee bone being connected to thethigh bone applies to the genitals and the heart, soul and brain.Anytime you're stressed from work, worried about a child, underfinancial strain, or distanced from your partner, then chances are, sexwon't be on the menu that day. And if "no" becomes an issue, "yes" islikely to become increasingly rare.On the other hand, anyone finding themselves frequently saying"no" needs to recognize there's a problem. The source of that problemcould be in the relationship, it could be psychological, medical,spiritual or a combination of all of those things. Don't ignore it:It's a tragedy when the joint history couples amass is appreciated onlyafter it's brought to an end.Robyn Salisbury is a clinical psychologist and director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network.Source: Evening Standard (New Zealand). Powered by Yellowbrix.
Source: Health & Wellness
