Fantasy is a normal, healthy part of sex for men and women. In fact, many specialists claim that a rich fantasy life leads to better sex.
One of the attractions of fantasy lovers--even when your fantasy lover is actually your current partner, as often happens--is that they're right beside you, and they know just what to do to make you feel good. Another benefit is that you can enjoy fantasy sex with someone other than your partner without repercussions, because it occurs solely in your mind. Fantasy gives you an outlet for all of the wild, lustful things that you've always wanted to do. You might be really turned on, for example, by the thought of doing it with your spouse in a convertible in the mall parking lot on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Chances are you're not going to try this one out for real, but you can go full speed ahead in your fantasies.
Next: What's She Thinking
The following tips are excerpted from "Hot Sex: How to Do It," by Tracey Cox. Used by permission of Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc.
What's She Thinking?
1. Fantasizing About Your Current Partner
As with men, this is the number one sex fantasy for most women: things you've done, or would like to do, to your partner. It seems that the available flesh-and-blood is often more of a turn-on than the unattainable.
2. Sex with a Man Other Than Your Partner For women, this is most often a past lover. Some women feel adulterous or guilty reliving a particularly hot session from the past: don't. It's normal.If it's someone new you're fantasizing about, it's the old want-what-you-can't-have-syndrome. Being involved with a partner doesn't mean all other desirable men go away. So those adulterous feelings have to be dealt with in one way or another. The safest outlet of all is our imagination--and it's remarkably fertile.3. Sex with Another Woman We're more likely to have same-sex fantasies than he is, probably because it's seen as more acceptable. We're also far less likely to get hung up on homophobic fears that we're gay. The woman featured isn't usually someone we know but she always knows exactly what to do to turn us on because she's got what we've got. 4. Something You've Never Tried Before These fantasies can include being tied up, threesomes, group sex, and watching others, among other things. While many women are outrageously experimental and imaginative in their fantasies, they often don't admit a desire for anything "kinky" to a partner for fear of being judged. Playing out the scenario in your head is the next best thing. For those who are open, fantasizing is also a form of rehearsal, upping the anticipation of experiencing it in reality.
5. Receiving Oral Sex It's the quickest, most effective (sometimes the only) way we orgasm, so it's not surprising it features heavily in our fantasies. The guy of our dreams doesn't just like giving oral sex, he's so enthusiastic he'd actually like to climb inside and stay there for days. Often he's a sex slave: tall, drop-dead gorgeous, and musclebound.6. Fantasies Involving Romantic Sex This is the one most women readily admit to, probably because it's the most acceptable. Romantic fantasies are sex with emotional attachment and most read like a Harlequin plot: gorgeous man, incapable of loving one woman, meets us, is knocked over by our looks and headstrong personality, then ravishes us on a moonlit beach.7. Sexual Ravaging "Sexual ravaging" is a very common female fantasy. Passionate and forceful but rarely violent and painful, the "ravagings" in our head differ dramatically because we're always in control.On the opposite end of the spectrum are fantasies where we force him to have sex with us, often in typically male-dominated situations like a courtroom or a business meeting. Being the aggressor or having physical power over him appeals because in real life it's usually the opposite. 8. Being Found Irresistible by a Man If you're so gorgeous/sexy/long-legged/stunning he can't help himself, you're absolved of responsibility once more. This is a favorite with women who still need permission to let go, but it's also a pleasant daydream for most of us. After all, who wouldn't want to be so beautiful they have men drooling at their feet.
9. Working as a Prostitute or Stripper This one's also popular with women who may be inhibited sexually in real life. In the fantasy, they indulge their true sexual selves under the guise of being paid for it. For men to pay to have sex with you is also reassurance that you're attractive: you have something men want so badly, that they'll hand over cash for it.Stripping is a more common variation on this theme: you tease the men mercilessly, and they're popping their zippers they're so turned-on by your body.10. Sex with a Stranger In reality, this sort of sex usually works out rather badly. In our fantasies, it's tremendously rewarding. This is sex for the sake of sex and the reward is pure, unadulterated pleasure. You can be as wicked as you like because you'll never see him again.Sex with a "faceless" man is a variation that's even more of a turn-on. He comes up behind you, you feel rather than see him, and you can experience the sensations of sex without the intimacy of eye contact. Next: What's He Thinking? What's He Thinking? 1. Fantasies About Your Current Partner No kidding. This is the number one sex fantasy for most men: things you've done, or would like to do, to your partner. (It's her top fantasy too, by the way.) Why? Because available flesh-and-blood is often more of a turn-on than the unattainable.
2. Having Sex with a Woman Other Than Your Partner Often, she's a past lover, a friend of your partner, perhaps a celebrity. The psychology behind this one isn't too difficult: lots of people long to have sex with someone new and fantasy is a great way of indulging this longing without losing your partner in the process.3. Giving or Receiving Oral Sex This is near the top of the list for both sexes. Fantasy fellatio has one vital ingredient: the woman doesn't do it to give pleasure. She does it to get pleasure.Fantasies about giving her oral sex are common as well. Many women are more obviously turned-on by oral sex than intercourse and you, as the ultimate pleasure-giver, want to drive her crazy.4. Sex with Two or More Women If having sex with one woman feels good, having sex with two must double the fun. Throw in some lesbian lovemaking and this one sends most of you drifting off into la-la land. In your fantasy, you're superstud: capable of bringing both women intense multiple orgasms. However, studies show the vast majority of men don't want (and actually couldn't cope with) such sexual demands in real life. 5. Voyeurism and Exhibitionism Few people would be able to keep themselves from watching a couple having sex if they were guaranteed not to get caught. The reason that voyeurism is a popular fantasy for both men and women is that sex is private and mostly hidden. Sure, we've seen couples do it on video, but it's rare we get to see the real thing.
Exhibitionistic fantasies often revolve around others admiring you. You put on a fine show (of course) and the voyeur is usually envious of your sexual skills, desperately wishing they were the person you were making love to. It's an ego-boosting fantasy.6. Having Your Partner Masturbate for You Watching your partner "play with herself" is up there on most men's wish lists, possibly because it reassures them that women are as into sex as they are. Also, the related fantasy of spying on her while she masturbates appeals to your curious side: what is she really up to when you're not around?7. Anal Sex It doesn't mean you've got "gay tendencies." The anus is undeniably an erotic zone, especially for men. A lot of you would love to have her penetrate you with a finger--or want to have anal intercourse with her--but worry she'll think you're gay if you suggest it. So you fantasize instead.8. Bondage and S & M Being tied up is often a favorite female role, tying someone up is often a favorite male role--which works out rather nicely if you play this one out in real life! Bondage fantasies are usually about power--having it or relinquishing it, and both sides have their appeal. Bondage usually comes to mind because it's the subject of many scenes in erotic books and movies.
Sadomasochistic (S and M) fantasies are less common but certainly not rare. Sadism is getting off on inflicting pain on someone else; masochism is getting off on someone hurting you. Most mild S and M fantasies revolve around whipping and spanking. Pleasure and pain are inextricably linked in the minds of some people and, in reality, spanking increases blood flow to the genital area (and therefore turns us on biologically). Masochistic fantasies sometimes stem from subconsciously thinking sex is bad and that you need to be punished for liking it.9. Sexual Ravaging Contrary to what most women believe, when you fantasize about forcing a woman to have sex with you it's more about overpowering her through your amazing sexual technique and charisma than violence. She starts off saying "no" then can't help but say "yes," given the superhunk that you are.Conversely, if she's forcing you to have sex, you're indulging in a submissive sexual role quite unlike the one you probably have in real life.10. Sex with Another Man Same-sex fantasies or threesome fantasies involving another man are extremely common and don't mean you've got a secret wish to be gay. It just means you're sexually curious.