Top 5 Reasons Sex Can Get Better With Age

One of the great wisdoms that midlife brings is knowing there are many kinds of love and intimacy, and many ways to enjoy sex.

Just as age is an ongoing process, so is your sexual life. Even if you've been married to the same person for decades, sex can be a continuous erotic adventure. And sexual fulfillment helps bring balance into other aspects of our lives, too.

By putting quality time, awareness, and energy into your sex life you can reap exquisite erotic and emotional rewards. Read on to discover what leading sexologists and sex therapists say about how sex can get better with age.

1. Greater Sexual Experience & Expertise

By the time most people reach midlife, they know what turns them on and how to please their partner. "One of the bright spots of midlife sex is that many of us are much more sexually skilled at 40 than we were in our early 20s," notes Ted McIlvenna, Ph.D., M.Div., sexologist and director of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Sexuality in San Francisco, CA.

Partners may begin taking their sex lives to a higher level, Dr. McIlvenna says, by first being aware that they can keep discovering new ways to turn each other on, and by openly discussing sexual wants, needs, and fantasies. "If people in midlife can be honest enough to admit that they want to become more sexually skilled, then they stand to discover many options for pleasure," says Dr. McIlvenna.

"Devote more time to sex by going to bed earlier and spending the night just kissing, stroking, massaging, and cuddling each other without going farther," says Dr. McIlvenna. "It can feel very fulfilling and adventurous to learn new ways of pleasuring each other without having to deal with the performance anxiety that intercourse often creates." Sexual performance should be redefined to include intercourse as just another option, rather than the goal of each encounter, Dr. McIlvenna says. When lovers develop performance expertise, this fosters more than just physical fulfillment; it also helps create new emotional bonds and intimacies.

2. Experimentation & Exploration

Liberated from youthful sexual insecurities, midlife lovers can take their sex lives to new heights through various feel-good explorations.

"Think sexual thoughts, feel sexual feelings, learn to play, and play with each other," says Marilyn Lawrence, Ph.D., Executive Director of the American College of Sexologists. Dr. Lawrence, a sex therapist and sexologist based in Los Angeles, CA., offers down-to-earth advice on enriching midlife sex: "Experimenting sexually helps people lighten up, feel new sensations and avoid worrying. Experimenting fosters a sense of fun and helps keep sex from getting serious."

Another secret is to find the sensory mode that works best for you. For example, some individuals or couples are more excited by visual stimulation than any other kind, so they watch erotic films. Others study illustrated massage manuals for new ideas about how and where to touch each other. Lots of midlife lovers get turned on by reading erotica. And some adventurers use sex toys to revel in Himalayan-sized orgasms without sexual penetration.

Those people who feel like they need discreet and professional help with their sex lives may choose to see a sex therapist or sexologist. They may locate one through organizations such as The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists and The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (415-928-1133). How do you know if you should see a sex therapist or sexologist? "When you think that you can't find your way out of this problem," says Dr. Lawrence, "it's time to see somebody." And, while psychotherapy won't improve your sex life, Dr. Lawrence notes that, "Psychotherapy can be really helpful in areas which eventually affect the physical, so you may want to consider that, as well."

3. Accepting Change Brings You Closer Together

By accepting that your sexual functioning (or your partner's) is changing at this time of life, you can start adapting your mind and body so that your sex life stays fresh.

John Bancroft, M.D., a sex therapist and director of the Kinsey Institute For Sex, Gender & Reproduction at Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana, recommends that midlife couples communicate more and be more direct, both verbally and physically. "If men and women can be vulnerable and honest about their changes in sexual functioning or their emotional needs without being humiliated, that's a powerful binding experience; this is the test of a relationship," he says.

For instance, "Women need to know that in midlife, it's totally normal for them to experience vaginal dryness and thinning vaginal walls," says Judith Seifer, Ph.D., R.N., director of Behavioral Medicine at the West Virginia School of Osteopathic Medicine in Lewisburg, West Virginia. "They can benefit from using vaginal lubrication and their partners will derive pleasure from this, too," says Dr. Seifer, a certified sex therapist and past president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. She also notes that many women find their sexual response and pleasure is improved with low-dose hormone replacement therapy.

As for midlife men, they need to know that it's natural to experience softer erections, and that it may take them longer to get erect. In other words, taking Viagra may not always be necessary; in fact, it's also unnatural. Dr. Lawrence notes, "Men can have an orgasm without an erection, it doesn't have to be hard in order to penetrate and give their partner pleasure." It's worth noting that men should see a urologist specializing in male urology if they have urgent concerns about sexual functions. In the meantime, men can revamp their sex lives by trying the following, says Dr. Lawrence: "...have more oral sex, more sensual massage, mutual masturbation, and shower or bathe together...good sex encompasses so much more than intercourse."

4. Romantic, Arousing Environments

Research conducted by Dr. McIlvenna and others has found that the physical setting of intimate encounters becomes more important to our sexual fulfillment as we age.

This is presumably because midlife lovers are often less lust-activated than they were in their 20s, when they could begin making passionate love after just a few seconds of foreplay. The increased need in midlife to set the sexual scene may also be related to that ancient enemy of hot sex: familiarity.

To find new excitement, you must change the setting, Dr. Seifer urges. "Grope each other in the garage, have a quickie in the shower, or dare each other to do it in the backyard." she says. "Some of the couples I see say that early in their relationships, they had wild heavy petting sessions in the back seat of the car. I tell them to try this again, stopping short of intercourse." Because hygiene sometimes becomes an afterthought to people who have been married a long time, Dr. Seifer notes, "Never underestimate the value of a shower or freshly brushed teeth to help seduce. Clean skin and fresh breath are turn-ons."

So is phone sex, says Dr. Lawrence. "It takes time and energy to set the scene. Phone sex can be great; you can talk about what you're going to do to him or her when they get home, so you're setting the scene well in advance and creating sexual tension." For those who need a big scene shift, getting out of the house and going to a motel can be very romantic. Dr. Lawrence reports that some of her clients like to check into a hotel and order a room service dinner to create the backdrop for a romantic evening.

Sensory pleasures such as beautiful background music, scented candles, or fresh flowers next to the bed may also spark sensual fires, says Dr. Lawrence. "Get charged up by wearing silk robes or lingerie, wearing perfume, taking bubble baths together, or slow dancing," she adds.

If you're too busy to stock up on the aforementioned accessories, then use your erotic wiles. Surprise your partner in the middle of the afternoon by initiating sex on the stairs. Greet your lover when he or she gets home with a big hug and a kiss. Close the front door and drive them wild right then and there. "Whatever works, works," says Dr. McIlvenna. "It's up to you to set the mood any way you like and then enjoy each other."

5. More Time &amp Opportunity

Remember the Rolling Stones song "Time Is On My Side"? Well, with sexual matters, it's often true that you have more free time now than you did in your hectic thirties. "Use your free time in midlife to have more playtime and sex," says Dr Lawrence. (Even if you still have older children at home, it's easier to slip away at night or to enjoy sex early in the morning.)

"You have to make your sex life a high priority," and you and your partner need to get back in touch with what attracted you to each other in the early stages of your relationship, adds Dr. Lawrence. This invariably leads to sexual discoveries and renewed intimacy.

To ensure your sex life holds a high priority, sit down with your partner and "budget" your free time so that it includes plenty of romantic interludes. While some couples keep standing dates for sex with each other several times a week, others have schedules that make sex possible only on the weekends. The point is to keep sex on your schedule and to abandon yourself to it completely when you have the time.

Couples often assume they know their partner's sexual preferences, observes Dr. Bancroft. "You should never take that for granted," he says, as "people change from day to day; their functioning changes." Having sex more frequently helps couples discover more aspects of each other's emotional and erotic territory. "In midlife," Dr. Bancroft continues, "when you're growing older, the value of sex, the need for sex, the importance of sex...gets redefined. Pleasure gives way to the importance of intimacy with one's partner; that's what we increasingly need." Couples who may have gotten out of the habit of being lovers due to parenting demands can finally re-engage as a romantic team, says Dr. Bancroft.

This top 10 list of books was compiled based on recommendations from leading sexologists and sex therapists, and with midlife sex and sexuality issues in mind.

Recommended by Ted McIlvenna, Ph.D., M.Div., Director, The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, in San Francisco, CA:

1. "Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving" by Betty Dodson, Ph.D. (Random House, 1995).

A liberating guide to the safest sex of all, replete with tasteful illustrations by the author, scientific information, and erotic ideas.

Recommended by Marilyn Lawrence, Ph.D., Los Angeles, CA. sexologist, sex therapist and executive director of the American College of Sexologists:

2. "Erotic Massage: The Tantric Touch of Love" by Kenneth Ray Stubbs. Ph.D. (Putnam Publishing Group, 1998).

Learn the art of sensuous touch with this guide. More than 100 erotic illustrations give you and your partner ideas for touching each other in new ways.

3. "Secret Sexual Positions: Ancient Techniques for Modern Lovers" by Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Ph.D.; Kyle Spencer. (Putnam Publishing Group, 1999).

Time-honored arts of love are detailed in the text and in over 100 illustrations.

Recommended by Judith Seifer, Ph.D., R.N., past president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists and present director of Behavioral Medicine at the West Virginia School of Osteopathic Medicine at Lewisburg, West Virginia:

4. "Going The Distance: Finding and Keeping Lifelong Love" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. and David L. Geisinger. (NAL/Dutton, 1993).

Shows how long-term, loving relationships can be the most satisfying, hot, and liberating of all. Written by a psychotherapist who specializes in midlife relationship issues, especially those involving intimacy and sex.

5. "The Pause: Positive Approaches to Menopause" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. (Penguin USA, 1995).

Medical, dietary, psychotherapeutic, and personal strategies for making the most of life during female menopause. There is also much helpful information here on understanding midlife male health.

Recommended by The Kinsey Institute For Sex, Gender & Reproduction, Bloomington, Indiana:

6. "The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex" by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans. (Cleis Press, 1997).

An encyclopedic book covering male and female sexual health, creative touching, safe sex, oral sex, fantasies, and more. Includes quotes from men and women about how to maintain a vital sex life through all stages of life.

7. "For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. (New American Library, 1983).

Ideas, exercises, and anecdotes that help you develop mutually satisfying sex and intimate companionship.

8. "The New Male Sexuality: The Truth About Men, Sex and Pleasure" by Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D. (Random House, 1999).

While this book is an authoritative and detailed guide to male sexuality, it's an inspiring resource for both midlife men and the women who love them. Written with deep psychological insight and a good sense of humor, the book also features a chapter of advice for fathers on talking to their sons about sex.

9. "Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women" by Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo. (Simon & Schuster, 1992).

This non-threatening guide for women helps them discover the how-to's of their sexual response. A supportive guide to sexual experimentation and sexual fulfillment for women and the men who love them.

10. "Turn-Ons: Pleasing Yourself While You Please Your Lover" by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. (NAL/Dutton, 1997).

A candid, warm book about restoring passion and romance in your marriage. Exercises, how-to's, and erotic vignettes make this an entertaining and valuable book.