Why Women Think Their Husbands Stop Having Sex With Them

Men with erectile dysfunction, due to medication or for any other reason, will often shut down completely. They are ashamed, and see impotence as the equivalent of failure -- of no longer being a whole man. In just a few short decades, men have stopped automatically being the boss at home or at work, something that used to happen just because they were born with a Y chromosome. And erectile dysfunction can be the last, limp, straw -- the ultimate threat to an already shaky masculinity. To most women, it seems extremely odd that with all of the drugs now on the market, 80 percent of men with ED don't get a prescription. But the guys are so humiliated that they don't even want to tell their doctors. We heard from one 53-year-old woman whose boyfriend is on medication that lowered his libido and caused ED. She told us that he stopped having sex with her completely; they have not had sex in over a year. Because of this, he is suggesting that they end the relationship. He feels that he can't possibly be someone whom she wants to share her life with. It broke my heart to read her comments: "I feel that men allow their sexual problems to ruin a lot of really good relationships. MEN DO NOT HAVE A CLUE ABOUT WOMEN AND WHAT THEY WANT! I want companionship, and if the sex comes naturally, that's great, but if it doesn't, then we can satisfy our needs in other ways. I believe that men think that if intercourse isn't achievable, then it is just no good for the lady. I want him for the great guy that he is and all that he does for me otherwise."

The main reason men say that they stop having sex with their wives is anger, and women are aware of this. Close to 50 percent of our female respondents say their husbands are angry, and that's why the men have stopped being intimate. But why are men angrier than women? Because many guys are ill-equipped to properly express their anger (or any other emotion). They internalize whatever is bothering them instead of discussing it, and the anger builds. The result of all this suppressed anger can be a loss of sexual feelings toward their wives; the men are simply too enraged. They may also become critical of anything and everything, or become furious, screaming and shouting for little or no reason. A 39-year-old woman commented: "I am not sure why he is so angry at me; I just know that he is. I guess I'm to blame for everything that's wrong in his life." She may be right. Some men may be justified, reacting to an angry spouse. One partner is critical, the other retaliates, and so it goes, around and around in a libido-lowering circle as the anger in the relationship feeds upon itself. In other cases, men may be angry at themselves for failures imaginary or real, and take it out on their partners instead of accepting responsibility. It is also possible that the guy is angry for no reason at all: If he's embarrassed by rapid ejaculation or ED, his rage could be a cover-up to avoid having sex.

A whopping 42 percent of the men claim that at least one reason they have stopped being sexual with their wives was significant weight gain on her part. Similarly, 42 percent of the women believe that their husbands no longer find them physically attractive. With obesity levels at an all-time high, men may perceive excess weight (a significant amount, say 50 pounds or more) as rejection, as their wives' way of saying that they no longer care about them enough to look their best. Men may be reluctant or afraid to discuss such a sensitive subject, so they shut down. (I am not suggesting that these guys look like Hugh Jackman, or even Hugh Downs. They may be overweight, too. Unfortunately for women, men usually put a higher premium on physical appearance than women do.) Men may also claim weight gain as an excuse or cover-up. One 62-year-old woman told us that her husband's blood pressure medicine caused him to become impotent, but he blames it on her gaining some extra pounds. She adds, "I gained the weight after we stopped having sex!" Our women respondents currently range in age from 20 to 77. They are a sexy group: Over 60 percent say they believe themselves to be very sexual or intensely sexual. What then, we asked, are they doing about this problem?

Most women, of course, pleasure themselves, some with the help of online chat rooms and porn sites. Many have gone into counseling, either alone or with their spouse. A third of them are having an affair, and another 40 percent are thinking about it. Yet the overwhelming majority wants to stay in the marriage, no matter what. A 65-year-old woman put it like this: "We love and respect each other. Sex was a strong bond, but we have others." But, she adds, "this is a difficult subject and it NEEDS to be addressed!" Susan Yager's career as a professional writer came years after success in the home furnishings industry as president of Domestications, a mail-order catalog, and as merchandising and creative consultant to a wide variety of retailers. She has written extensively about the cultural aspects of food and diet and is currently researching the link between obesity and sexuality. She is also working on the history of weight loss in America has co-written He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: When Men Stop Having Sex, and What Women Are Doing About It with her husband, Bob Berkowitz.