By Eve Marx
You can scarcely get through the supermarket checkout without being assailed by information about orgasm. Orgasm, it sometimes seems, is the most popular cover line for almost every women’s magazine. You might wonder why a physiological event many people compare to a sneeze is such a big deal, especially when there are so many other important things to think about.
I have been writing and talking about female orgasm for years. In fact, I wrote a book about it! The book, while instructive, also shares the personal stories about why orgasm is so important. But over the years, I’ve also determined that orgasm is a tricky topic, even a loaded one. That’s because at some point, many women stop having them. When this happens, many women become upset, frustrated, angry, even depressed. Others take their loss of libido in stride, regarding it as just one more aspect of aging. Others decide to fight back with HRT’s. Still others shrug and say they don’t mind not having orgasms. They say their lack of interest in pursuing mind blowing sizzling sex leaves them more energy to focus on other things, like growing a new business, or creating art.
Orgasm is about passion. Nobody ever exclaimed about an orgasm that was “flat.” Orgasms, in the collective feminine subconscious, are erotic explosions that electrify body and soul. The bigger they are, the better. Multiples are better than one. Finding the perfect position, partner, tactile or visual stimulation is an imperative. Women have been known to break off relationships with men they actually get along with well and love because they’ve stopped having orgasms with that person or the sex has become ho hum. (Lovely as orgasms are, for some women, the craving for bigger, better, more monumental and earth-moving sex can become like a craving for a drug. That’s called sex addiction.)
Besides being intensely pleasurable, orgasms have some health benefits, too. They help you de-stress. They make it easier to fall asleep. They can take your mind off minor physical pain. And if you’re having sex with a loving, exciting partner, they can deepen your relationship and make you happier. Here, some ideas to make it all happen:
Get in touch with your inner sensualist. You can’t expect the car to start if you don’t keep it tuned. Treat your body like its been designed for pleasure purposes. By that, I mean shave your legs. Moisturize your skin. Keep your finger and toenails nice. Imagine someone sucking on them. Sexually exercise your mind. Force yourself, if necessary, to have one erotic thought each day.
Ninety percent of orgasms begin in your brain. It’s what’s between your ears that counts more than between your legs. Even if your mind doesn’t naturally turn to erotic thoughts, everyone has them. Think about real sexual experiences in your past, things that thrilled you. Develop your own private treasure trove of erotic imaginings and play like a film them in your mind. Do this when you’re alone and relaxing and in the mood to have an orgasm. Your thoughts don’t need to go to actual sex that you’ve had. Anyone you’ve ever had a crush on, or who got you hot, is fair game for imaginings.
Self-pleasure. Masturbation is a self pleasuring technique. Every woman develops her own preferred method. Some women do it in the shower (those hand held power sprays work fine). Some like to help themselves along with a racy novel. If you’re open to visuals, an erotic film is stimulating. Some women enjoy pleasuring themselves with sex toys. Every woman also has her own specific technique. Some like the feel of their fingers on their naked vagina; others like the soft friction added by touching themselves through panties. Some women just love their pillows or sheets! Whatever your preference, indulge it. Honor your self- pleasuring sessions, and give yourself enough time to enjoy them on a weekly if not daily basis.
Should you fake an orgasm if you’re not ‘feelin’ it’? That depends. If you’re alone and have been self pleasuring for half an hour and nothing’s happening, give it up until another day. Just don’t delay too long, because orgasm is one of those things that if you don’t use it, you lose it! You’ve got to keep the pump primed. If you’re with a partner and his feelings would be very hurt if you didn’t come, it’s okay to pretend, at least sometimes. Work with him on what might feel better for you another time. Faking, unfortunately, can become a habit. But here’s an interesting tidbit to consider: Sometimes when you really throw yourself into faking, you achieve the real thing. This is one of those times where “fake it until you make it,” works. Try it and see!
Eve Marx is the author of “The Goddess Orgasm,” and “101 Things You Didn’t Know About Sex.” Her new novel, “Beddington Place,” is available on Amazon Kindle and Lulu.com.
