Masturbation for Erectile Dysfunction

Dear Dr. Betty,

I've recently been diagnosed with erectile dysfunction disorder. I've been working with a doctor to improve my sex life. These days, pleasuring myself has become a challenge. Do you have advice on ways to masturbate so that I can become aroused and ready to sexually gratify my partner? --A.

Dear A.,

Sex depends just as much on the mind as on the body. Let's begin with your emotions and attitude; when they're in the right place, your body often follows their lead.

Generally, men think about sex more often than women, and start to masturbate at a younger age and more often. Self-pleasuring is not evil or a sin, but you may have gotten messages to the contrary as a child. These thoughts and attitudes, especially guilt, linger in adulthood and affect our ability to experience gratification. Even fantasies may induce guilty thoughts, particularly if religious teachings or parental messages supported their immorality. It's time to clear away the emotional debris of early negative messages. Consider this: Masturbation is part of taking care of your body, like a healthy diet and exercise. In fact, good health and your sexuality are intimate partners in enhancing your life.

Did you know that most men have erectile difficulties at one time or another? Are your expectations for performance realistic? Unrealistic expectations can cause an ever-escalating anxiety that reinforces itself as you replay negative mind tapes like, "I'm a failure." Consider your self-esteem.

Your Self-Esteem
How do you feel about yourself and about your life in general? Do
you have problems with work or your health? These can adversely affect
your self-esteem, which often translates into sexual problems. What is
happening in your relationship? Does your partner support you regarding
your erectile dysfunction? Do certain conflicts take center stage?
Anger is one of the biggest turnoffs; you need to honestly examine its
source and introduce emotional stability to promote healing in your
relationship.

Another mind activity? Fantasy. Sexual fantasies can enhance arousal,
intensify masturbation, create the mood for making love, and facilitate
orgasm by clearing your mind, promoting a sense of abandonment, and
preventing all stressful thoughts from intruding. And it's risk-free!
Men become more aroused through visual stimulation than women do, so
use erotic reading material and pictures along with your fantasies.

Your Body
If you've ruled out physical or medication problems with your doctor,
then you need to work on controlled arousal or your ability to learn
what feels good and to experiment until you have control over your
sexual responses. With improved attitudes, partner cooperation, and
mind diversions like fantasies, and relaxation, you can try these stop/start exercises to help you realize your sexual potential. Since
male hormone levels are highest in the mornings, it would help to try
these exercises then. You can do them alone or with your partner.
Remember to be patient, and use a lubricant.

When doing this
alone, become comfortable touching your soft penis. Try different
strokes and touches. See what feels best -- what arouses you the most.
Avoid watching yourself. Instead, close your eyes and focus on your
sensations. It isn't necessary to become erect, but if you find you
begin to get hard, stop touching yourself and let the erection
decrease. Allow around five minutes for this exercise.

Your Mind and Body
After experiencing an
erection with the previous exercise, you can continue by introducing
fantasy and pictures that activate your arousal. Continue stroking
yourself; when you become erect, stop. When your erection recedes,
start stimulating yourself after a few moments and see if you can
become erect again. Remember to let go of stress -- good sex comes when
we can float into our sensual feelings.

Before beginning the
final exercise with your partner, discuss your goals and decide what
words you'll use to have your partner stop and start the stimulation.
Keep in mind that you're learning how you want to be touched and
stimulated: focus on yourself and your feelings, not your partner.
You'll have time for that after you've gained control over your sexual
responsiveness.

Now, start with a sensual massage without
touching each other's genitals to get you both in the mood. The next
object is to become comfortable having her touch your penis when it is
not erect. This may be a challenging hurdle, but surmounting it can
serve you well. Agree beforehand that you will not get erect; your goal
is to keep your mind focused on the sensations produced. Have her
caress, touch, and explore. Tell her what feels good. If you start to
get an erection, have her stop. You need to allow your soft penis to be
touched, while striving for a comfort level at the same time.

If you take your time proceeding through these exercises, you can learn
to appreciate your own sexuality, gain control over your ejaculations,
and finally share this information with your partner for a fuller,
richer enjoyment of each other.

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