John and Susan had been married for seventeen years. Both of their children were in high school and were independent and doing well. John had a good job in a city close to home and worked out of the house two days a week to be closer to the family. Susan was a writer and spent most days in her home office working on a novel or a book of poetry and tried valiantly to keep her vegetable garden growing in the harsh New England climate.
On the surface, John and Susan appeared to share a rich and rewarding life together. The one important thing that was missing for both of them was a deal breaker and the reason they both sat in my office looking for help.
The problem, they agreed, was their sex life.
There was none.
How do we know if we have a sexless marriage? they asked. I thought about it before I answered. A sexless marriage is not hard to define. Its any marriage that clearly has not been erotic or sexual for long enough that both partners feel deprived. Often it has been so long since they have had sex that it feels almost impossible to get back to it. For some couples this may be several months, for others it can mean years.
Sexual neglect happens for many reasons. The longer a couple goes without sex the harder it is to start up again. Biologically, the body reduces the production of sex hormones that make you want sex if you go for long periods without it. Therefore, the longer you go without sex the more you may feel you arent interested in it anyway.
However, it works the other way around as well. Sex is the best aphrodisiac. The more sex you have, the more sex you want. Having sex can jump start the engine, allowing your body to begin reproducing more testosterone and other sexual hormones that will remind you that you like sex, enjoy making love, and want to do it more often.One way to end the stand of off a sexless marriage is to pick a date together, make a plan, and just do it. It can be a daunting task and you may be anxious. Things may feel awkward, uncomfortable and the night may not live up to your expectations. Thats ok. In fact, the first time you may not want to have intercourse at all. The first date you choose to reconnect may just be for simple touching, a massage or lying naked in bed together. Reconnecting sexually doesnt have to feel threatening. Take it one step at a time and enjoy the process. Neglecting your sex life and creating a sexless marriage takes two people. It will take two people to get back on track. If you are like John and Susan and you want to make it work, then you probably share a real desire to be together again. Choose a date within the next two weeks that works for both of you, and meet together in the bedroom. This is not a date for dinner or a movie, but simply a night to find your partner again, and remember the joy of making love.
Susan and John planned their night for a Saturday when the kids were out with friends. They had not had sex for over two years, and were both nervous and anxious about what they would find once they tried to become sexual after so long. John was nervous that he wouldnt be able to perform and Susan wondered if John was still attracted to her. Their ambivalence and their questions were normal, and when they took time to talk about their feelings together, they were able to work through their anxieties and they shared a slow, simple and sensual night together with candles, dancing and music. When the mood felt right they took off each others clothes and made love slowly, without expectations. Neither were disappointed. If you think you have a sexless marriage, talk to your partner. If you dont know how to broach the subject, see a counselor together and find ways to reconnect that are safe and feel healthy for you both. Dr Tammy Nelson is a psychotherapist in private practice and the author of Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together?
