More Hollywood marriages are going under both Arquette and Aguilera are calling it quits. It seems every time we turn around, someone we know is splitting up. Even Al and Tipper, after decades of marriage! Whats happening to make monogamy so challenging?
Well, the truth is that nothing new is happening. The statistics consistently tell us that half of all marriages end in divorce, up to 20% of marriages are sexless (meaning they have sex less than 6 times a year), and about 1/3 of married men and women have had an affair. This adds up to extreme amounts of emotional pain, turmoil, and grief for all involved. It seems that for most people, if great sex over time with the same partner is possible, it requires effort oftentimes a great deal of effort. And unfortunately, in our high-stress, fast-paced society, finding energy to expend on improving ones sex life is not an easy task. Research repeatedly demonstrates that for both men and women, sexual satisfaction diminishes with the increasing age of relationship. The bottom line? Sex is complicated! However, there is still more to the story.
And it relates to monogamy. Biologists have been telling us for decades that only 3% of mammals are monogamous. Anthropologists have determined that the vast majority of cultures have not even attempted monogamy. In sum, we hate to acknowledge it, but most humans are not innately content with only one sexual partner for life.
Its a painful reality to embrace. We so prefer the notion of romantic love lasting a lifetime. But human behavior suggests that serial monogamy is the rule for most adults today that means people are true to one sexual partner for a period of time, often many years. Eventually, however, many if not most people desire a different sexual partner. Oy Vey. Does this mean the demise of marriage as we know it? Not at all. As a sex therapist who works regularly with couples, I can tell you that there really are ways to make monogamy succulent. I write about them in my book Monogamy: The Untold Story. But many couples find it helpful to acknowledge the truth keeping a monogamous sexual relationship satisfying over time isnt necessarily natural. Admitting this reality can actually strengthen a marital bond because it helps us take our partners less for granted. In this way, we recognize the importance of making our partner, and our sexual lives together, more of a priority. For example, here are some great ways to focus more on your sexual connection:Creating new experiences: Make love in a different room of the house, wear something special to bed, or bring in a prop like ice cubes or velvet pillows.Make love as if its the first time: Role play that its your first night together. Let yourself experience every touch as if its new again.Slow sex way down: Sex is so much more sensual when its in slow motion. Allow yourself to focus intensely on every movement. Start foreplay hours in advance: Text your partner a sexy note, or leave him or her a cell phone message. Start the play well in advance and you can increase sexual tension.Start the party by yourself: Dont wait for your partner to arouse you. Take some time before making love to read erotica, listen to music that puts you in the mood, or fantasize. Putting even small amounts of effort into your sex life can offer you big rewards in the form of a strong, healthy sexual relationship!About the author: "Dr, Marianne Brandon is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist in Annapolis, MD. She is author of Monogamy: the Untold Story, and co-author of Reclaiming Desire: 4 keys for Finding Your Lost Libido. You can learn more about her work at www.wellminds.com. Do you think monogamy is challenging for every marriage? Comment here.
