Are you a good lover? Most sexually active people like to think they are a good sex partner. However, in spite of the fact that sex is a natural act, it can be quite challenging to be a fabulous lover especially if youve been with the same partner for a while. Its oh so easy to become lazy in bed. After all, sex takes effort and energy that can be in short supply in our hectic lives. In my therapy practice, I observe men and women repeatedly making similar mistakes in their intimate relationships. Read on and see if either of these issues apply to you!
Mistake #1: You both stop trying to please.
After folks tie the knot, it is easy to embrace a love me as I am mentality. That is, we decide that since our partner committed to us, we can let our hair down and not worry about impressing them anymore. But this can be a costly mistake. Love is more fragile than wed like to believe. To keep a marriage feeling good, love has to be tended to like a flower in the garden. If the flower goes without water for too long, it will wilt. Tending to a marital bond requires that you take care of yourself so that you remain interesting to your partner. And it requires making the effort to love your partner well. While this advice sounds simple enough, it can actually be challenging to carry out when our lives are filled with other responsibilities. When we stop making the effort with our partner, sex suffers.
Solution: Remind yourself that your intimate relationship is a priority. Some couples actually schedule sex to ensure that they make time to attend to each other. Whether or not you schedule sex, touch your partner when you are making love in a way that demonstrates your feelings. Look into his or her eyes and let your eyes show your love. Whisper in your partners ear that you love him or her. These sincere gestures can go a long way in supporting your love life.Mistake #2: You think its your partners fault.Intimate relationships are complicated and no ones sex life is perfect. In fact, life itself can get pretty complex at times. When we are in the midst of a struggle (sexual or otherwise), its very easy to notice all that our partner is doing to perpetuate the problem. In the end, though, blaming our partner isnt a fruitful route to finding a solution. But blaming ourselves isnt a solution, either. It helps to remember that couples get stuck in sexual ruts that both partners helped to create.Solution: The key to working through intimacy issues is to recognize that it took both of you to create the dynamic you want to change. So, the solution lies not in finding fault, but in recognizing what you can do differently to initiate positive movement. One person has the power to instigate a healthy shift for both of you. Think about the way you typically handle the situation, and then take a step back. Bring to mind someone you admire. You dont even have to know that person well to do this exercise. How might they handle this issue differently, if they wanted their relationship to improve? Then, try their solution on for size. When you respond differently to your partner, they will take notice and probably shift their reactions as a result! The end result could be that youve opened the door for change and constructive transformation. Your sex life will likely improve as a result.About the Author:Marianne Brandon, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and the president and director of Wellminds Wellbodies LLC, a center for integrative and holistic psychological care in Annapolis, Maryland. The co-author of Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys for Finding Your Lost Libido, Dr. Brandon is also a Diplomat in Sex Therapy through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Her next book, Monogamy: The Untold Story, will be published in September.
