Sabotage Again!

Sabotage Again!

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum and just signed up for Susan Anderson's Abandonment Recovery member board.

I am 40 years old and divorced 2 years ago (thanks to my abandonment issues).  I have done considerable work throughout the years on my abandonment issues but it still affects my intimate relationships.  My mother died when I was 4 years old and my dad remarried within months after.  The memory of my birth mother was pretty much swept under the rug and my dad never got over her (he still can't talk about her without crying).  My mom was only 28 when she died of cancer.  

My personal relationships with woman usually self-destructs because of me.  I begin to "test" my mates to find out if they really love me.  I push them as far as I can just to see if they will stick around...In essence, I sabotage every relationship.  The anger comes out (not physical or violent) but I know its fear.

I have read Susan's amazing book "From Abandonment to Healing" and WISH I could get a hold of the workbook (its so expensive..will it ever be republished?).  In addition, spiritual books like "The Power of Now" and "The Mastery of Love" have been successful in my growth.  I have gone to therapy and completed two levels of Landmark Education.  I have come VERY FAR with my issues...and yet they persist.

 I am currently in a serous relationship (its been 6 months) and i am already starting the pattern....We had a fight this past weekend and I tested her...I acted like I wanted to break up so I could avoid being hurt.  I am usually the one to go to the extreme in a fight..In my marriage it was "what, so you want to get divorced"" (eventually the answer was yes...how many times can one ask that question and remove their wedding ring before the partner has had enough?)...and now its more like "Maybe this isn't worth it"  "Maybe we don't have love", etc. etc.

I am BEYOND ready to evolve and NOT sabotage another relationship.  My current situation is great.  She has given me another chance...I promised her "no more rollercoasters"...I am commited to change...Only, I need more help getting there.  Can we ever change?  I want to be healed COMPLETELY!  I want to trust others and come to love with LOVE, not fear.  

Susan, can you help me?

With great sincerity,

Steve Loves