Stress & Anxiety, Hosted by Brenda

Most of the time I am creatively stress free by going to the park, sitting by the water and becoming part of my surroundings. I allow the words to flow freely and do a lot of writing in my "travel journal" (it goes with me everywhere - even work!). I am a visual artist and have transformed my visions into words - it is a wonderful gift.

I am having a real problem getting any of lesson 2. If anyone can send it to me, I would appreciate it! CarlyJay1@Hotmail.com

Connecting with Mother Nature works for me too. I like to ride my bike through a park which surrounds the Pacific Ocean,near my house or read some inspirational material as I walking slowly on a nature trail. Fortunately there are many in my area.

of the craziness of the Holiday shopping season I decided on much I would spend on each Grand-child and bought a small inexpensive little something and attached the money amount to it, wrapped it and sent it on its way with a note. In the mail and gone. Now I can stay out of the nutty hussle and bustle of it all. And wheeeww and I glad of that!

First I want to thank 3rd Age for providing this forum and introducing me to one of the finest persons on the planet.We met here and have dated over 2 months.
Our problem is that with residences in different cities,and a child (17 yrs.old)who requires that her mother be there evenings;(due to a molestation by another family member)it becomes increasingly difficult for us to schedule time together.In fact the real problem is that I find it hard to accept some of the sacrifices her mom chooses to make.A mother/child bond is strong and I know I must be patient.On occasion we have had discussions about role reversal i.e. who is the parent and who is the child in their relationship.I've been given direction about patience,concentration on my lover etc.
I am afraid that this logistical nightmare and offspring may cause us to
part if I can't accept the little time we have to spend with one another.I need advice on how to not emote disappointment when our plans have to be aborted.Help!

Oh Brenda,

A part of me wants to apologize for getting so detailed and going on & on, and taking up so much space in my last post, but I gotta tell ya, I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD since I don't remember when.

I feel so much lighter and perky. It's amazing! That would have cost me a fortune in therapy. I start writing about one thing and all this other stuff starts rolling out. I just keep letting it go cause there's no one to stop me, no expressions of approval or disapproval. I had no idea how powerful it could be to just let it go.

I am so grateful that you haven't just hit the DELETE button on me and told me to never come back here. Thank you, Thank you so much.

If you don't mind me asking, what are some of the steps you've taken to begin healing. And how did you finally know what it was that you had to face in yourself.

While I feel I have clarity on how my childhood affects my adult life, am I now needing to identify co-dependency, or an inferiority complex, or something like that? Maybe I don't have to prove that I'm worthy of love & respect to anyone but myself? Is that what you mean?

I know that I since I was raped that I have huge trust issues. While I feel that I'm making progress with the PTSD, I'm still not fully trusting myself to keep me safe. And I don't trust other people. I thought I did everything in my power to keep that from happening, reporting the problems to my supervisor. But that wasn't enough. I have to get back to work, and since that's where that ordeal happened, I experience alot of fear about getting out there again. I can find a million other things that have to be done instead at home, where I'm safer. I call it avoidance. Geeze, where have I heard that before?

Wow, I really have a life long pattern of that. When I fear something I avoid it, but isn't that human nature? This is kind of like putting together a big jigsaw puzzle. One piece at a time before we get the whole picture. But how do we embrace these experiences so that we really do get the lesson?

I have felt so good yesterday and today, and I want more of it. I'm excited to get through all this. Where's MY delete button? Wouldn't it be great if we could just take a painful situation and hit delete? My girlfriend & I were saying the other day that it's a good thing our husband's (who are clones) don't have a delete button. We would just have to pay a tech. to retrieve them when we wanted them back. ;)

Brenda, I love your wisdom. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being there. And those kitties thank you for saving them.

Love from my heart to yours,

Debbie

anything!! All we EVER wanted from that man was to know that he loved us.

His wife tore the letter up and burned it. She asked us to please let it go, and don't be hurt by it. Sure, no problem!

I want to put a bullet in that rifle and shoot it into heaven and pray that my aim is good enough to hit him right in the butt!! One blown off ass cheek is a small price for him to pay for the shattered hearts he left behind.

My dad had 5 beautiful daughters. Not just on the outside. The people that know each of us girls in our separate worlds think we're awesome to know. Every one of us girls are excellent Mothers because our Mother taught us how to love. My dad enjoyed showing us off because of our looks. Obviously something to do with his ego. But I'm sad for him that he missed out on our REAL beauty and the depth and quality of love we always wanted to share with him.

I try so hard to find the 'gifts' in all this. I am grateful that we do not carry on the violence or the emotional abuse. Perhaps our childhood is what has made it completely unaccetable to us. We have made sure that our children have never had to experience any of that. And that's a 'good' thing.

I find that I usually avoid my sisters, even though 2 of them live in the same city. They're wonderful ladies, but when we're together they want to talk about 'old' stuff. And just as when I was little, I prefer distance.

I think I'm pulling a 'dad'. When he saw us girls he was reminded of all the things he wanted to forget. But the heart & mind are forever branded with those memories.

I know I don't want the past to stand in the way of creating NEW memories with my sisters. I need to see them more often and not just during the holidays. I'm working on that.

I can see in each aspect of my life, with clarity, where my different issues relate to my past. In my first marriage I inadvertently married my dad and I became my mom. It took me almost dying to see it. The only thing that stopped me was not wanting my children to be abandoned by me. So I did what my mother never could, I left the man after 18 years. The only one in my family to ever divorce. I'm now 'living with' a man for the past 6 1/2 years and refuse to marry him till he quits reminding me of my dad. So I'm just a work in progress. We're all going to grow from this come hell or highwater.

Amen

Hi Brenda,

I have contacted the Humane Societies investigation specialist. He's informed me that if I actually "see" the neighbor abusing the pup that I would need to contact the police and or animal control to file a report. "Hearing" it isn't adequate, unless 2 other neighbors & myself want to file 'public nuisance' charges. There is no law that prohibits this man from getting a new dog every day and have them euthanized if he so chooses.

While I know that I'd have no problem getting the required # of neighbors together to get this guy into court, these things have a tendency to drag out. That pup could mysterioulsy disappear. But the problem there is that he'd only be replaced. I wonder how long it would take him to give up on having a dog at all if they just keep disappearing? Time will tell.

In the meantime I just have to make sure I stay on my vitamins, because your right, it's very stressful. But I'm really not afraid of him, and he knows it! He walk's on eggshells around me because it's not a secret to him how much I dislike him. There's nothing phony about me, and I'm not the one who's exposed myself as a complete idiot.

Oh mercy, was that venom that just spewed forth? I'll try to do better.

I'm working on the 'dysfunctional family' stuff. I've apparently been quite confused since I was a little girl. I remember coming home from school one day and my mother had just returned home from the hospital, having undergone a second surgery. I went to her bedroom and she was lying on the bed with my youngest sister next to her. My father was standing at the foot of their bed with his 30.06 rifle pointed at her stating how sick he was of her being sick. When he fired the gun he had raised it just above her head and blew the window out instead. The crazy part is that when the police arrived to arrest my dad, I got angry that they hurt him with the handcuffs.

My mother passed away 4 years later, alone in a hospital in Denver. The records state cause of death as pneumonia. BullCrap! That woman died of a broken heart. All 5 of her daughters know the truth. We were in Arizona, where we couldn't have access to her. When her body was flown home for the funeral, our dad took us girls outside to inform us that he would be remarrying... her best friend. Three weeks to the day later, that's just what he did. Her family are the ones that decided the outcome of my mothers belongings, as we were forbidden to show up. My dad didn't want to deal with our 'emotional bull'.

My mother's gold wedding band was given to me, which I cherished. A little confusion there. She must not have ever been worthy of a diamond, but his new wife was. So he took the Mothers Ring that my sisters & I had bought with our babysitting money for our Mother, and had all the birthstones removed, replaced them with diamonds, 5 of them. And that is the ring his second wife still wears to this day.

Don't get me wrong, us girls didn't hate this woman, except for the oldest sister, and she eventually worked through it. She's the only one that ever let my dad really have it, but only after having grown old enough to not fear being knocked into the next solar system.

My last visit with my father turned out horribly. I, ironically, was very hurt when my dad told me that the beautiful 30.06 that I'd watched him build by hand had been given to some guy that he knew. The same rifle he'd almost killed my mother with, but that memory wasn't present rigt then. I never asked for that gun, I simply stated that it should have been a family heirloom. Long story short, I wound up with that rifle, but what a scene. Everybody cried, including my dad. He was angry at me & impressed at the generousity of his friend who, not so kindly handed it over. My stepmother told me not to give it back, because the gun should have stayed in the family in the first place. I left Arizona and returned home to Utah, without another word being exchanged between me & my father. He called me weeks later at 3A.M. to tell me he thought I was an A-hole. I thanked him kindly for the great revelation and stated "I must be a chip off the old block".

Bitterness having set in, I did not go home for Thanksgiving, as did 3 of my sisters, nor did I acknowledge his birthday. My Father passed away this past May. His heart gave out after mowing his lawn, and he died at his dining room table. He died of a broken heart too.

Having a strong belief in God, I prayed while driving to Arizona for the funeral, that now that the veil had been lifted we could all forgive each other. There was almost a sort of peace about it because he was really free now. The funeral went beautifully and you could feel that we had alot of assistance from the unseen Hand as we carried out his last wishes, which Dad had put into a letter some time before. I thought that with the peace I was experiencing, he must have forgiven me. Oh please God let that be true.

My sisters & I talked alot about forgiving him. He was with God now, and God forgives. So should we.

But sadly we found out that our dad wasn't done yet. Just as we were preparing to leave town his wife had remembered a letter he wrote, sealed, and had her file away for this day. He wrote on the envelope "To my daughters". Five grown women & his wife gathered around a table for a very private moment. In that letter he proceeded to let us know that his 2nd wife was the love of his life, and that WE better not even think of asking for any of the things that were originally our Mothers'. When he went into specifics about his guns I knew that it was directed at me. He let us know that he'd left us nothing and we'd better not go after any money either. We were all stunned, including his wife, that he would feel the need to say such things. From the day each of us girls left home, we had NEVER asked him for help with

Hi Brenda,

I appreciate your input and you're so correct in what you say. I've done alot of work to understand my reactions to things. I take full responsibility for myself and I own my own 'stuff'.

I know that I have a lifetime of work ahead of me to 'heal my inner child'. I have some big anger & fear issues to work through. And while there are days when I feel I'm gaining a stronger foothold, there's also days when I fall right on my tush.

There really are certain people that I want to tell to get out of my face, to just stay clear of me. They may be proven liars, or animal abusers, or abusive toward their children and or spouses. They 'appear' to me as having ill will toward others, never looking at themselves, passing judgement. Who do they think they are??

Then I catch myself. There I am--passing judgement! Who do I think I am??

As a young girl, I was the underdog. And all my life I've rescued animals, tried to be there for little children that had no where else to turn. I stayed gone on my horse with my dog, avoiding the loud, scary, sometimes mean grown-ups. Something I find myself still wanting to do now.

While I 'know' where those feelings originate from, I haven't yet mastered the art of "not feeling the pain of those being abused". I know what choices & decisions I've made for myself. And it's my job to determine what I will & will not tolerate in my life.

I have no desire to dominate or control my mate. He on the other hand attempts to 'tell' me that my feelings are incorrect. And that if I act on them, there will be consequences, big ones, to pay.

We both value having copasetic relationships with our neighbors. But my horse was badly wounded prior to the 4th of July, because of the firecrackers our neighbors were blowing off in their backyard. Since they've sold their horses, the safety of mine no longer seems to be of concern. My man took their side when I mentioned I wanted to take them to Small Claims Court. The firecrackers they were using were against the law, and the police would have cited them, if my Man wouldn't have told me "I'd better not let that happen". To make matters worse, my Man went outside and told the neighbor what I had considered doing. I viewed that as a BETRAYAL of my confidence with my mate. But the neighbor has gone through 5 dogs in 5 years. He seems to fancy himself a 'hunting dog' trainer. He screams so loud at these dogs and beats them badly with his fists & sticks, and then finally has them euthanized because they're worthless. Other neighbors, and me, have called animal control on this man (which upset my Man at me), and they just have a talk with him. He just got another puppy 3 days ago, and the abuse has already started.

My heart can't take it. My man says to mind my own business, don't go causing trouble with the neighbor. But what's happening here is WRONG!!! This puppy will lose his life, but not before living at least a year of being horribly abused. I have absolutely no respect for that man, his wife, or their kids, who, for obvious reasons, all act the same way.

I don't care who's fault it is that these people act the way they do. Some one has to put a stop to it. My view is, that if I don't do something to save that puppy then I'm no different than they are.

Every fibre of my being reacts when I hear that poor little baby yelping in pain & fear. Do I judge my Man for not being able to FEEL it too? YES, I do.

Talk about "triggers". My father used to do that to my dog, and other family members. I have always hated it, and always will! As a child I HAD to keep my mouth shut. But as an adult...I REFUSE TO!!

I hope I never master the art of 'not feeling the pain of others'. And oh yeah, I'm going to empower myself.

To thine own self be true. I have faith 'my net will appear'.

Wish me luck,

Deb

Hi CCOOLBEAR,

You ask if there's something out there that can make you feel better. I believe there are lots of things 'out there' that can help us.

But I agree with Brenda. We absolutely cannot forget to analyze what's going on inside us. In order for there to be long term recovery, we really need to make sure that we've taken Care of the whole us. Meaning mind, body, and spirit.

We need to understand that high levels of stress will throw our system off balance. I believe that extra nutritional support is an important factor, and one that is often overlooked. Our B vitamins are critical in proper brain function, as are many other vitamins & minerals.

You've been going through this since '97, so perhaps a thorough blood workup would be helpful in confirming or ruling out any deficiencies. It's hard to get our minds funtioning again at optimum levels if we're low on a vital component.

I have PMS, and if I go off my vitamins, my whole family knows that I did. They make all the difference in the world for me and my daughter.

There's a foundation called Life Extension, and they do vast amounts of research on medical issues. I've found their website to be extremely valuable, as I'm very research oriented.

See them at www.lef.org

Their research on depression is very indepth. They point out that one of the missing links in professional counseling, is that the patient is not first required to have the blood workup. It makes sense to me. I can talk till the cows come home to my therapist, but if I'm still feeling like there's lead in my feet, I'm probably not going to get the bounce back into my step. So the question becomes, why do I feel so tired, or all the other things we can feel when we're depressed?

It may be that my hormones aren't balanced, or maybe it's blood sugar, or my brain isn't producing enough of my 'happy chemicals'. I believe that those things need to at least be checked before the Prozac blanket is just thrown over the top of it all.

Knowledge is power, and I know that for me, I want to be well informed so that I can even know some of the right questions that I should be asking.

When you go to their site, enter depression, or anxiety in the yellow search box. You'll find pages & pages of info. Item #3 is the one on depression I'd recommend. They also make some very sound suggestions on some of the foods to avoid, and some to incorporate. They'll also discuss the major drugs that are typically prescribed, vitamin & herb therapies, and the possible side effects.

It just helps us to make INFORMED decisions, taking out alot of the guess work. It's very empowering, don't you think? I mean, if I let my car run out of gas, it's not going to get me very far. We are what we eat. People that have an illness need extra nutrition.

When we get out from behind the 'eight ball' in the nutrition arena, then we can move forward with all the other very important work that's left to be done. Bringing the WHOLE person into balance, MIND, BODY, & SPIRIT.

I hope this proves to be helpful for you. When we're going through things like this, we just really long to feel better. Keep in touch with us here CCOOLBEAR, and let us know how you're doing. Brenda has been so great for so many of us in this forum, along with the other insightful people that post here.

It's great to know that we're not alone in this world, and that there are people out there that are willing to hear us, even when their not being paid to listen.

Sincerely,

Debbie

I have been down in the dumps since 1997, from a co-worker who held me in a confined area against my will, and then I try to be postive, since I work in a negative job site, it's hard to maintain that postive image. I was sent to a doctor, who was trying to help, but I was still having aniexty attacks and was deeply depress. So I choose to do yoga, and to take a little container of aromatherapy vanilla and lavender oil to try to relax me. I really would like to enhance my knowledge of stress and to know more of any herbals to help me to get back to normal. If any one know something else I could use please, share.

Good heavens! I just got done posting responses here and that man of mine walked into my office.

I swear.....Sometimes he looks and sounds like a freaking ALIEN!!

He alters my blood pressure. He fills my space with such negative energy. And sometimes I just want to punch him. He leaves me with my mouth gaped, wondering where in the world he comes up with some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. How is it that you can love someone so much and yet be so digusted with them?

COPE DEBBIE, JUST COPE WITH IT!

I wonder if it's just me. Maybe I'm not in the right space of my life for a relationship. I find this man to be so self centered and completely oblivious to the needs of others. I really think that we speak different languages.

When I say something, it travels through the air, enters his MALE ear, and gets transformed into something completely different than what I said. I've never been a Mom that spanks my kids, but sometimes I REALLY want to spank this MAN!!

God has such a sense of humor. He must get alot of laughs from watching the interactions of men & women together.

WHEW!! Sorry girls. Just needed to vent. Now, like I told Jaelly, I'm going to go do something nice for me. Maybe a little SPACE is what's needed right now.

I've got to get that book. Your response was very profound. I should have known from your previous feedback that you were a Deepak Chopra kind of gal. Peace and love to you sweet sister.

Sincerely,
Deb

To relieve stress sometimes I ead and drown myself in that book, go to a whoe other place for a moment in time.
I alos have a irritating sometimes bad habit of crying. I know nothing is wrong ith crying, but I often take it over board.
ERin

my words to relax and chill too. no matter the days problems whether my grandsons life support alarms start going off in the middle of the night or pms i have found that if we do what we have to do for that moment everything else will fall into place. i needed the relaxation exercises found in lesson 2.