Late-Life Love: The Final (Blog) Chapter

My publisher sent out a press release last week on my forthcoming book Late Life Love: Romance and New Relationships in the Later Years (Fairview Press, 2006). They announced it as a new book featuring 22 couples, “older adults who have re-mated, reinventing themselves in the process”. For me, this is one of the major points I hoped to emphasize as each couple reveals their personal story.

My opinion is that there is a general attitude pervasive in this country that as we come into our later years, we are unable and unwilling to grow and change; that we are rigid, stuck in established patterns, not open to changing a lifetime of patterns and habits. In all of my books and public radio broadcasts, the stories of others I’ve shared reflect the opposite. I believe we have the potential of change and grow and build different lives when our situation changes. Many move from the large family home to a condominium, a retirement community, or another arrangements when children grow up and leave the homestead, a spouse becomes ill or limited, a husband or wife or domestic partner dies, and other factors come into play such as limited retirement funds, desire to change geographic location, etc.

So why not dare to redesign ones life how it works best at this time and in the present situation. A wife dies; a husband is lonely, feel the need for companionship and warmth. A husband dies; his wife has been a caregiver for several years during his illness, now she has time and freedom that hasn’t been hers for years. A male family friend takes her to dinner, the spend more and more time together, they talk about moving in together but reject the idea of marriage. I could go on endlessly telling the stories of older people making a decision to live a different way, find a companion that shares their days, design a living situation that works for each particular twosome, and often to the surprise of friends and family, the couple is off to a new and different life.

Each story in my new book, Late Life Love – Romance and New Relationships in the Later Years  share a true tale of new life styles, changed living arrangements, unexpected and previously unplanned changes, challenges, exploring new paths and new commitments. Max who I interviewed with his now significant other, Sadie, put it this way. “I had been married almost fifty years when my wife died. I’d had a long marriage and a good life. But my wife was gone, and I was still here, and I was entitled to be happy. I looked around, not for a substitute for my wife but for someone with whom I could share my thoughts and leisure activities. The old saying that everybody need somebody is true……..a vital part of living is sharing a relationship.”

Estelle is sharing her life with Norman. Both are in their 70’s, each were living alone after the death of their spouses. Estelle “The whole thing was incredibly surprising and swift. Was I looking for a mate? Good Lord, no! But Norman is the most romantic man I’ve ever known He sends cards and leaves sweet notes. I though these sorts of things only happened in novels and movies. As for feeling married Norm…we have a bond that is more spiritual than legal. We’ve had time in our lives to make mistakes and learn, and we’re very clear now on what we want at this time of our lives.”

I realize there have been a variety of opinions shared in responses to my most recent blog, Late Life Love—Find Their Own Path that introduced a lesbian and a gay couple that have made same sex choices late in life. Those are only two such couples in the book so I believe that balance of two same sex couples to twenty heterosexual partners reflects a fairly accurate balance found with larger numbers. I know there have been strong feelings expressed over the content of that blog. But consider this, please. I’m going to share a short quote from my conversation with Amelia and Grace. I could easily substitute my name and my partner of five years, Ken’s name. Every word would be loving and true. I quote Amelia. “Sharing my life with Grace has made me a healthier, stronger and better person. This second half of our lives is, as the psychologist Carol Jung said, a moving towards fullness of being. Grace helps me do this. I can trust my heart and soul and body to her, and that’s extremely important and comforting.

"Late Life Love -- Romance and New Relationships in Later Years," will be distributed to the bookstores and be available on Amazon within a three to four weeks.

 Editor's Note: See Connie's previous column here.