Long-Distance Caregiving & Long-Distance Care Management

Thank you all for sharing your stories. I too was a full-time working family caregiver AND lived at a distance from my aging parents. I'm so sorry to read Maryam's caregiving story. As for my own parents, we never had an issue with home health caregivers - my mom and dad would not hear of it!! They preferred the adult children to take care of them. I believe it's because when their parents aged and needed help, my parents were there for them and that's the scenario in their mind. But I lived at a distance and it was a different story altogether. My siblings and I took turns overseeing their care; helping with errands, food, house cleaning, doctor appointments, etc. I'm glad we were able to help them in those ways but eventually my dad was diagnosed with Alz. Eventually, we moved him to a nursing facility. Now, there's where all the hoopla began. I agree with Maryam - there we found many uncompetent caregivers. I know they were paid minimum way and the work is extremely tough. I acknowledge that - but the whole setting bred incompetence, frustration and very unhappy people. I'm sorry to say. And they took it out on the residents there in subtle ways. Not a good experience for my dad. I dread to say. But it's over. Thank the heavens.. he's moved on to a better place. Carol Marak Founder http://www.WorkingCaregiver.com - Delivering resources to family caregivers designed to avoid the distractions, emotional fatigue and physical exhaustion that can result from balancing work and caregiving. Blog: http://workingcaregiver.blogspot.com

Hi Jacqueline, I am SO glad to find someone who had a "lucky break" story in elder caregiving! As a psychotherapist and leadership coach for Third Age women, I hear some whoppers of bad luck stories and unfortunately, have one of my own. As you've asked, I'll be happy to share. Though both of my parents have passed on, I took care of them doing the bi-coastal shuffle for nearly nine years. Mom had breast cancer and was severely debilitated by osteoporosis and broken bones. Dad had more than a handful taking care of her and was himself going downhill. As we made the attempt to put caregivers into place, it turned into a three ring circus of incompetence that ended with my parents being severely victimized by an notoriously well-known local nurse who bullies and steals from the elderly. They had hired her from one of the in-home nursing agencies and once in, she entrenched and did tremendous damage. I had several go-rounds with the Council on Ageing and the State Nursing Board concerning her and though all parties expressed their knowledge of this woman's shady activities, basically, nothing was done. We were hampered in the legal case by some paperwork this person forced my father, who was non compos mentis in the grips of end-of-life senility, to sign. The day neighbors called to tell me this woman stole several expensive Berber carpets from the house (plus Mom's diamond 50th anniversary pendant) she forced Dad to sign an affadavit saying that she had never abused he nor Mother, and all things she'd taken were his free-will gifts to her. This, while treating them to both verbal assault and physical battery. When my parents physicians and I objected and brought this to legal notice, this woman and her partner turned around and threatened to sue me for libel. The suit went nowhere in the wake of the Board of Nursing investigation, but it was a nightmarish situation at the end of my parent's life that they should never have been exposed to. For the life of me, I don't know how people who victimize the elderly like this live with themselves. This situation, now long past, is one of the things at the root of my passion for teaching everyone I can to take control of their lives, and to have as conscious and rational an end-of-life as possible. I don't want anyone to ever suffer what my parents did. Mom and I did EFT (one of the primary energy therapy methods I teach) together on the physical abuse, and that helped her process her night terrors and dread beautifully. This is an easily learned self-help method that can reduce and eliminate fear, anger, sadness and trauma on the spot. Interested parties can access a quick-start here at my website: http://maryamwebster.com/eftbasics.html and at the original Emotional Freedom Technique website: http://emofree.com. Mom passed in 1999, before the advent of more easily accessible therapies. Now, I teach ZPoint Process (http://zpointprocess.com) to elders and those with terminal illnesses, as it's one of the therapies they can do without moving their arms and have only to remember the one cue word. I'd like to invite your readers to try learning these self-help methods now as they are great for reducing a host of symptoms of ageing (notably, hot flashes!) and are a great aid in memory retention. In closing, I'd like to thank you Jacqueline for your book "Elder Rage" as it is an excellent treatment of a very real and still hidden issue in elder care. Well done! Warmly, Maryam Webster http://maryamwebster.com