Today
Alone Anybody?
by Susan Anderson
Posted January 27, 2006 11:00 AM
Posted January 27, 2006 11:00 AM
Posted in
Do you know anybody who is alone?
As many of you know, I’ve been recently widowed (see my home page on www.abandonment.net) and for the first time in my life, I’m alone – not just physically, but emotionally.
Oh I have family – children who live away, etc. – and loving caring friends. But I don’t have that “one special person” who fills an empty space in my life.
I’m not alone in being alone. There are millions of you out there and we all face its special challenges on a daily basis: being alone.
We also have special strengths that we’ve developed in rising to those challenges.
Like most of you, I have days when I am more sensitive to the void and where I seek to end my isolation. But I also spend a lot of time feeling good about it. Being alone is an opportunity to nurture the relationship I have with myself.
I am very good company to myself. Are you? I feel proud of my ability to go and do and be on my own. Do you?
I feel delighted when my pen is right where I left it – that nobody borrowed it and sent me on a wild goose chase for it. Do you?
I feel centered and calm to know that I can stand on my own two feet. Do you?
Now, if Paul hadn’t died, but had abandoned me instead (like my previous marital partner had done, leaving me for another woman), then being alone would feel a lot more like a personal indictment of my worth as a woman. Rejection and betrayal do that.
I could list the disadvantages – they run the gamut from petty to profound: No one to follow you to the repair station. No one to help you with your bills. No one to ride shotgun when you have an errand. No one to help you carry in the groceries. No one to witness the sunset. No one you belong to – what if you get sick? No one to check on you in case you fall in the bathtub. No one to plan a future with. No one to go on vacation with? No one to give you a sense of purpose in life. No one with whom to create the special thing called love.
The advantages are not as obvious but they do exist. How do you (or a friend you know) feel about being alone? What special circumstances create the feelings (good or bad) you have about it? What special strengths have you developed?
Comments (6)
Have something to say? Share your thoughts.
Posted September 10, 2006 7:06 PM
I have found that emotional abuse is why I am alone.
"Emotional abuse refers to a long-term situation in which one person uses his or her power or influence to adversely affect the mental well-being of another. Emotional abuse can appear in a variety of forms, including rejection, degradation, isolation, corruption, exploitation, and invoking terror."
I don’t remember when it started I was so young, they made me feel it was my fault, and taught me to be terrified of people who were truly kind to me at a very young age, Now I am working toward making a life for myself. I can have better.
Posted July 17, 2006 10:01 PM
Oh Abby, define normal. It's okay to be a loner. In my own way, I'm a loner too, although I'm married and happily so. You should always do what makes you happy. Being with someone will not make you happy. You need to be your own best friend. Be that for yourself, dear.
Posted July 17, 2006 9:45 PM
I am now in my early 50's, I have always been alone. As a kid I would overhear my mother saying I was a 'loner', I thought that just meant I never had any friends which I suppose it did.
I see myself now as a reject. I have never been able to attract a suitable partner so allowed myself to be abused by men when I was younger just so I could pretend I had a boyfriend, its pathtic isn't it. I realise I am a misfit I wish I could find a story to relate to or am I the only person who knows no-one ??
Surely I am not the only person alive who has no family, no friends, no aquaintances even.
I think I have been alone so long I am not totally weird, I talk to myself all the time, I live more and more in a fantasy world...........
Posted July 18, 2006 5:12 PM
I agree that the main- to be your own best friend. Living by yourself is much better then living with somebody who has nothing in common with you. How many people are keeping bad relationship just "not to be alone", instead of split and try to have a better life. How many people are living in marriage but anyway they are alone, because for some reasons love is over and they have nothing in common, nothing to talk about and no interest to do things together! People are different, so their needs are different too. I used to have a big variety of friends, but only 2-3 of them were real close friends, all the rest- just for spending time together once in a while,and to discuss topics of our interest. And I enjoyed such lifestyle. I did not need very close relationship because it supposed to have some responsibilities, and I didn't want this burden. Due to my work I met a lot of new people and some of them also became my friends if we had something to talk about. And it was a real benefit for me to be single, so I could devote as much time as I wanted to my work and I could enjoy conversations with interesting person, because nobody would tell me about family duties and responsibilities and at what time I should be at home. Year ago I got married (at the age of 36) and my life changed. My husband loves me very much, I'm N1 and the only for him, but I'm not happy. I gave up my country, my succesful carrer and lifestyle in big city, numerous friends and interesting personalities. Now my life is boring to death. No friends, no interesting people. I'm missing my European lifestyle very much. It's so boring to be housewife and to wait husband from work! I cannot go out without him because there is no busses in our small town and of course no subway. So, I'm married but I'm feeling so lonely! My husband doesn't need friends, the main for him - to be with me, but I'm another type of person- I cannot to be centered on one person only- I need variety! And I want to communicate with people in my own "terms and conditions"! It means if I'm in mood I call somebody and we go out, if I'm not in mood- I'm at home by myself and please don't bother me! So it's nothing wrong to feel comfortable being single or alone. No need to be afraid of such feelings. To be in peace with yourself is the main, even if it takes to be a loner.
As for me I'm looking forward to visit my family and friends in my country, stay there for 3-5 month so it will help me to make a choice about my future life.
Posted March 10, 2006 9:20 PM
I like using http://www.collaboradate.com . It’s free, easy to use and doesn’t cost anything. Pretty cool! They have Date mapping with Google maps, and you can contact people any way you want (IM, email, etc.) They also have the ability to contact users on any other paid dating site for free. SWEET!
That’s just my 2 cents!
Posted January 27, 2006 8:28 PM
My husband died 2-1/2 yrs ago after a 53 yr marriage. He'd been sick a long time & I knew he would die, so I was prepared. The physical, emotional, intellectual and financial care were so overwhelming that I was really surprised at the complete freedom I felt when it finally happened. Except for the dog, it was the first time in my life I was not responsible for anyone or anything except myself. Still, I'd take him back in a heartbeat, just not so terribly ill.
I don't dwell on my loss, but I never want to marry again--even tho being married to him was what I wanted for most of my life. I've always been a strong person and a bit of a loner, so living alone is not that bad and I do have several people close to me, including roomers. It is said that most people in America live alone. That sounds sad, but I think it is the choice of many.
I'm not sure I'd feel this way if I were in my 40's, but in my 70's I feel content and comfortable for what I've had and still do have. But where is the one who held me, kissed my hands and told me how soft they were, offered me his last bite of pie, shared the joy of our children/g'children, cherished me like no one else ever did, my dependable rock, my sweet love?
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