Today
Do You Play Caretaker To Gain Love Insurance?
by Susan Anderson
Posted August 2, 2007 4:59 PM
Posted August 2, 2007 4:59 PM
Posted in
I just came back from giving a three-day workshop (at Breitenbush Hot Springs in Oregon – beautiful place!), and one of the participants said he played the caretaker role in his relationship. He’d hoped that attending to her needs might insure that she would never want to ever leave him because he’d made himself so very valuable in her life – but she left him anyway.
At least half of the group could identify with this. One member said, “You were looking for “love insurance.”
A lot of people find someone who is in a one-down position to them – someone discrepant with regard to educational background, financial means, emotional stability, or overall functionality. In a Beauty and the Beast relationship, Beauty can hope to feel secure.
When the strategy doesn’t work, the abandonment pain can be excruciating (as if it’s ever anything less). Having someone you were caretaking wind up rejecting you in the end can feel something like this: “Even when I’m at my best and doing everything right – even when I’m overcompensating – the person still finds me unacceptable and disposable.” Nothing creates greater feelings of worthlessness during the “internalizing stage” of abandonment grief.
Is there a way to gain love insurance? If so, what is it? If there could be a hard and fast answer to this question, we could all just relax and go home.
There are certainly ways to minimize the risk of being left. Choosing someone who has a history of being emotionally unavailable is certainly going to increase your risk, and yet so many people are particularly attracted to the unavailable.
Likewise, choosing someone who is not commitment phobic but is looking for a type of person which is not your type, is certainly not a safe bet, and yet so many people get caught up in the painfully exciting emotional challenge of trying to convert an unwilling partner into a willing one – usually to no avail. People out there are addicted to these patterns. I call them abandoholics.
In searching for love-insurance, what about choosing someone who is less-than? Doesn’t this guarantee that you will be adored and admired forever?
Well, it can work out that way, but it can also backfire. The person can start out by feeling flattered, but in comparing him/herself to you can come to feel inadequate, out-ranked and therefore not in full control of his-her own life (even though you are acquiescing to his/her every whim). The person can feel pressured by your expectations since you are the “stronger” person. The person may realize he/she feels more comfortable with a true peer or even a less-than.
There is no safe bet, but one of the mistakes I see people making is the tendency to choose partners who are not realistic matches. They choose someone who is a narcissistic extension – someone from whom to gain self-esteem by proxy. Maybe the lover has a bigger ego than they do, and therefore if they are accepted by this lover, it may help them feel elevated. This is usually a prescription for disaster – because the lover with the bigger ego is often “looking to trade up.”
The key is to pick someone who is realistic match – someone who is more at eye-level rather than less-than or more-than. This involves having a realistic self-assessment – something most people need to work on. Most people not only have low self-esteem, but to compensate, have overblown ideas about how they match up to the criterion of prospective partners. Low self-esteem breeds lots of denial and self-delusion. Yes, you’re wonderful, but a potential mutual partner might look and be a lot different than the people you have been pursuing.
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Posted August 8, 2007 10:29 AM
That is a terrible thing that has happened to Felicia and I have been through something similar. I was with someone for over 2 years and basically gave up a lot of my needs for him. Yes my fault I know... but when you love someone you do these things when you feel there is a future. Anyway after a lot of emotional abuse from him we separated. Well we decided to have a 3 month break. He said he had no interest in anyone else and just wanted to work out his feelings about us. So I moved interstate for me and to give him some space....Well.... after a couple of months he was seeing someone else. Even though I had said that maybe we should end things after a month or so, he then said 'are you giving up on us??' What he meant was.... don't leave me until I have got someone else. So that relationship lasted for around 3 months and then he let me know how he had realised that he treated me so badly etc., and it was because of work etc., etc.,.... Then he decided that he wanted me back so we tried to work things out (we were in different states now) and I was weary about him lying and so I took things slowly. He even came interstate to tell me that he wanted me back and how much he loved me and how he pictured us with a family etc.,. We chatted and I said that I needed some time and he was okay with that. Then he went home and after a couple of chats he told me that after deciding that he was coming to see me he had actually slept with this girl that he was casually sleeping with (to quote 'it's just for sex). I couldn't believe it and he said it's just a guy thing. I argued and then forgave him. I asked him if he was going to call it off and he said yes. After a couple of weeks he still hadn't (said he didn't have time.. she worked shift work... oh yes she lived next door to him!!) so we argued (I had come over to visit him) and he just said 'that's it it's over'. So I was devastated again and just let him go. Then my father passed away unexpectedly the next day and he again wanted me back..... he apologised and said that he couldn't picture his life without anyone but me! I was staying with a friend of mine who I'd known for years and he was so wonderful that he wanted us to be together. We became so close during this tragic time and I felt safe with him. So I said yes.... but then my ex wanted me back so badly and was trying so hard to get me back. I didn't know what to do. But he said that he understood where I was at and was prepared to wait no matter how long it took. So he was trying but something still didn't seem right. He came to see my again when he was on his way overseas and pleaded for me to take him back. When I asked about 'the girl' he said it was over. I asked him that if he did move to where I was, could we get a home together or talk about starting a family, get engaged etc., He said he didn't see why we needed to do that and surely us just being in love was enough. He said he didn't know when we would have kids etc., Even though he knew how much I wanted that. While we were together I checked his phone (terrible I know.. but intuition had kicked in) and there was a message from that girl saying she would miss him and to have a great holiday. I never said anything. I was too scared I would lose him. Then while he was overseas I had told him that I went away with this guy I was seeing and he just lost it. He couldn't believe that I could do that. But I had told him everything and he knew that I was with this guy and said that he could understand that I was confused and that he would wait no matter what. Then when I mentioned the message on his phone he said he didn't know about any message and that basically it didn't exist! Then he said he couldn't believe that I would check his phone.
So about 2 months later 'that girl' moved in with him and one month later she got pregnant. He has bought a house and they just had their first child. And I still feel so angry..... and when I mentioned this to him via e-mail a couple of months ago about he how lied about things, he still said he had lied etc., but that he was still angry that I hadn't taken any responsibilty for the mis-trust in our relationship?? I was completely honest with him about everything. I am just finding it hard to move past this...... Is it just me??
Posted August 6, 2007 12:30 PM
Felicia, that was a terrible thing happened with you...but I liked your positive attitude, you know what he is and what you are (Beauty) be like that, you will be in a better situation soon.
Posted August 5, 2007 11:49 AM
I would say no one's future can be insured or certain about. No one! Tomorrow you might get bombed even staying at home. Really nothing is certain. What you can do best is enjoy the relationship every moment in life.
Every moment ask yourself "Am I fulfilled what I just achieved from the start of the day until now?" If the answer is yes, move one and continue. If no, move on too but do something different. The most important thing is not staying forever until both of your hairs turn white but to enjoy love and romance every moment in your relationships.
Just a suggestion. I find I live my life with more freedom and happy like this.
Posted August 4, 2007 8:09 AM
I recently ended an 8 year, on/off relationship with a man who I considered my best friend. We did mostly everything together, because we both enjoyed the same things. We had fun. But, He had major fear of committment, and, his single friends(from High School), harrassed him like little kids about it all the time. He just turned 50.
We were finally to be married in January 2007, and he started to remodel his home for my daughter and I to move into... while he was involved in wedding planning at that start, his attention was quickly drawn to construction... in the process, his friends were constantly at his house and helping and encouraging him to go out afterward. Drugs became involved and I called the wedding and the relationship off, again.
He owns his own company, but he's not very business savy, and being an Accountant myself, I coached him often. He made so many promises and apologies to my family and friends about his behavior over the years. We have 6 kids between us, and we pretty much have been the step parents to each others kids, which wasn't always easy, because he has 4 boys and I have 2 girls.
This split was 7 months ago, and I just heard that he got married!!! So, what fricking analyzation do you have for that? I couldn't get him to committ for 8 years, and someone else could in a matter of 6 months????? That has 2 young girls!!?? What the heck? I haven't even gone on a date yet! I still have a wedding dress to deal with at a Bridal Salon!! I am just not getting this at all...
Without sounding errogant, He is a Beast, and I am the Beauty, so why am I still sitting around mourning the death of our love?
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