Today
How to Satisfy Your Need for Touch When There's No One to Touch You
by Rinatta Paries
Posted July 18, 2006 11:00 AM
Posted July 18, 2006 11:00 AM
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If you are single, you know the feeling of wanting to be held, touched, cherished; that need for passionate touch, comforting touch, any kind of touch – and the suffering that results from having no one to give you that touch.
It’s not so well-known that many married people and people in relationships also suffer from the unfulfilled need for touch, physical comfort and passion. Their story is different from that of singles, and the reasons for the absence of touch in their relationship may be varied, from a good relationship gone bad to health issues involving one of the spouses.
Most of us crave touch and can’t live well without it. Having to live without can be excruciating. So what does a person do when there is nobody to meet the need for touch? You learn to satisfy some of your craving for touch for and by yourself.
The truth is, until you are in a loving, long-term, touchy-feely, intimate relationship, your need for touch will not be completely satisfied. If that is not motivation to get your fanny out of your chair and resolve the relationship issues that are keeping you from having a loving, touchy-feely, long-term relationship, I don’t know what is.
The need for touch is very much like the need for food. You may satiate yourself for today, but tomorrow the need will arise again. Be prepared when the need arises daily. Pick a few suggestions below and practice them daily to keep your craving for touch at bay. Reducing your craving for touch will make it easier for you to make better relationship choices.
Speaking of cravings, here are things NOT to do to get your need for touch met:
* Do not hook up with an unavailable, married or otherwise involved person just because you need to be touched.
* Do not settle for a relationship or a partner you don’t really want just to have someone who will touch you.
* Do not cheat to get your need for touch met.
If you do any of these, you will end up with a little fun and a little touch, and then a whole lot of headaches and love trouble. When the love trouble starts the touch will go away and you will be brokenhearted and without touch again.
Healthy ways to satisfy your need for touch:
1. Stimulate your skin
One of the things you are missing when you don’t get enough touch is sensory stimulation of the skin. Help yourself to get more sensory stimulation by deliberately choosing the softest sheets, blankets and pillows, and very soft and even silky clothing. Pay attention to the objects that surround you throughout the day and see if you can make them specifically pleasing to touch.
2. Give yourself comfort and pleasure
Touch provides us with comfort and pleasure, and not just sexual pleasure. When you are not touched, it is hard to feel comforted and hard not to crave pleasure. To help, find ways to comfort yourself. Try a soothing cup of tea, a heart-centered meditation, listening to sweet music or reading poetry. Try going for a brisk walk to feel the pleasure of the sun or wind on your skin. Go for a swim to feel the pleasure of water on your skin. Walk barefoot in the grass to feel the softness of grass on your toes. You get the idea.
3. Get hugs and cuddles
Even when you don’t have a lover to touch you, you still need to be hugged and cuddled – get a pet for this. Studies show that people with pets experience less stress. The act of petting an animal brings pleasure and provides a way to physically connect with a being that loves you. You could even take your pet to bed with you and cuddle it, especially if it’s a puppy or a kitten.
4. Pay someone to touch you
No, not like that! Find a loving and safe massage therapist and get a weekly massage. Many people resist going this route, as they feel uneasy having a stranger touch them. But if you find the right person, he or she will be able to comfort and nurture you in a respectful and fulfilling way. If money is an issue, call your local massage school and schedule an appointment at their clinic. At a school clinic you can get a great massage for about $25. If you like the person and help him or her build a practice, you may be able to get massages at that price for a very long time.
5. Give and get hugs
Hug and ask to be hugged by the people in your life. Hugs will help you get your need for touch met. Ask friends and family for hugs and give lots of hugs to your kids. Everyone will appreciate the extra touch, and everyone involved will be better off. (Needless to say, do not give hugs to folks who have not given you some level of permission to do so, and do not hug children you are not related to unless that child’s parent explicitly approves.)
6. Touch yourself
Yes, that way too. But primarily give yourself a foot massage, a neck rub or a hand massage. Or climb into a bath and rub yourself all over with a loofa or a soft cloth.
7. Give yourself love
The remembrance meditation, a free instructional e-book for which you can download from my Web site, is a great way to fill yourself up with love. It will be especially effective at soothing and comforting you, helping you to sleep on lonely nights.
8. Move your body
Exercise, dance, walk. Moving your body will heighten your endorphins, make you fit and help you feel good about your body. And moving simply feels good to the body. In the absence of touch, body pleasure is what you want to get more of.
9. Controversial ways to get your need for touch met
I have read about cuddle parties, where you meet with others to cuddle only, and where boundaries concerning other physical behaviors are specifically verbalized and respected. If that interests you, Google “cuddle parties” on your computer. Alternatively, you can get a cuddle buddy. A cuddle buddy would be someone with whom you would cuddle only. If you do find a cuddle buddy, be sure that both of you are very clear on what is and is not going to happen and how the two of you feel about each other.
Your need for touch is natural and normal. It will be great when you have someone wonderful in your life to hold, touch and love. Until that day, take care of your own need for physical touch using the suggestions above, and you will find yourself happier and less hungry for touch.
To help you figure out why you don’t have someone wonderful in your life – or why your someone wonderful is not wonderful anymore – and what to do about it, set up a Love Life Diagnostic Session with me and let me help you.
Comments (34)
Have something to say? Share your thoughts.
Posted December 28, 2006 7:28 PM
used to be married to a wife for 15 years and she wanted a lot of material things so I worked my but off and commuted 120 miles per day x 5 days a week to provide her with these things. The first house was a 2 bedroom 1200 sf. she eventually said I am bored lets have some kids so we had two girls then I want a bigger house so we moved from Ontario Ca. to Chino Hills Ca. same thing happened so I moved her to a 5500 sq. ft. house with our two kids two years after that she told me I am bored I am going to start going out Saturday and Sunday wether you like it or not so this continued for a year in the mean while I am stuck in this brand new big house with nothing to do on the weekends when I was off but sleep then she told me I am filing for a divorce so she did and now about two years later I married a new wife and I don't want anyone hugging and kissing her on her cheek besides close family members like her brothers and sisters and mother. We went to her Christmas party and her boss gave her a lean back kiss on her cheek and I almost had a heart attack from the scare. Why do I care if some one hugs and kisses her on her cheek? and what should I do about this and it seems like I ask her not to let someone kiss her on her cheek and she just ignores me and let the male kiss her on her cheek anyway right in front of my face and says there is nothing wrong with that. By the way I don't care if a female kisses her on the cheek I just get angry when males do it.
Posted January 1, 2007 2:53 PM
The statements "one of the things missing when you don’t get enough touch is sensory stimulation of the skin; help yourself to get more sensory stimulation by deliberately choosing the softest sheets, blankets and pillows, and very soft and even silky clothing" are very true, for me at least.
I'm maried but my gal only wants hugs IF they lead to sex (she says "don't start anything you don't intend to finish") and that's a shame. So I've developed a bit of a fetish with "silky clothing" and I find auto-sensuality (NOT auto-eroticism) very pleasing, sort of like being your own pet cat.
The problem I fear is that my self-pleasuring may (will?) lead to my not needing my lady for any form of pleasure, and that would be sad. Who wants "just" a business relationship? Ugh!
Posted July 25, 2006 1:50 AM
I grew up in a family of 'non-huggers'.. we have all become adults and it is still the same. I recently have had a breakup after living with someone for a year. One of the reasons he gave when he left was that at times I was not physical. Well, I am in menopause and it is a true effort to be so.. I will miss him very much.He moved out on Saturday..last night ( Sun) we spoke overthe phone for almost 2hrs..he said he is already having a tough time.. he feelings have not changed... he loves me still etc. I reminded him that he made the chloice to leave. I found out he had planned it for quite awhile. Now, he wants to stay in touch and see each other once in awhile...I am not comfortable with it and also do not want to become one of those 'friends with benefits.' I am confused but will wait it out and see.. now, I am the one who really could use a hug.. I can't help but think of all the times I never hugged....
Posted July 28, 2006 4:59 PM
Becky, you make a very valid and informative point with your post. Although I love to kiss and hug I only do so with very few people and I have never been through your horrible experience. My mother has always been a very demonstrative woman who greets people with a big hug and kiss and I've seen some people stand there in shock. She has been very lucky that no one got verbally nasty or socked her, regardless of her good intentions. Personal space is a very real thing and should be entered with trust and caution. I'm glad you shared your thoughts.
Posted July 24, 2006 6:35 PM
Good article, wish more people could be exposed to this idea. Unfortunetly this world has changed in a bad way. We are all too busy or misled to believing that only people with lots of money to give away or shower others with are worth of a huggs or touch. For example, look at the divorce rate or the major decline in new marriages or the incrediable escalation in secret married affairs with strangers.... most people are into the 'what can I get for myself' mode, these days. I hope you get this information into the world as quickly as possible... the current world as we know it needs this info badly. Unfortunetly, for me, after 30 yr of solitude... wished I had read something like this yrs ago, now its too late for me.... but there is a whole planet of people that can still be saved. Nice job on this article.
Posted July 24, 2006 6:00 PM
"Still single" at age 36- and having no one to touch me - i very well know what this feels like... and this feeling has led me down some dangerous and risky paths, seeking this "normal need"... A very strong, yet confusing and frustrating feeling... and it seems to me that if we do not get this need fulfilled somehow, that we will lfind other ways in which to get it fulfilled, if taht makes sense.
Posted July 24, 2006 3:23 PM
Rinatta, I agree with your opions. Although there is not the habit of hugging or touch in chinese culture, hugging still shows the relationship among people is close. Sometimes, I think the reason for that we need touch is that we are eager to be cared and loved. Why not give love activly? Then, everyone will feel happy.
Posted July 28, 2006 1:54 PM
As a child abuse survivor, I'd like to express one very big caveat here. Don't just up and touch someone without any indication that it would be welcome. I do not like to be touched by strangers and mere acquaintences. It makes me uncomfortable at best, and at worst can cause me to flash back on the abuse--not a fun situation. There's a good reason why we shake hands AT ARM'S LENGTH. I'm only comfortable with a touchy level of intimacy with people that I know very well and trust, and it takes years for someone to gain my trust. You do not know what other people's situation is and not everyone has a need to be "touchy feely." Some of us highly object to it! Satisfy your need for touch with someone who will appreciate and reciprocate, not because you think it's for their own good or because YOU need a hug. For one thing, it's selfish to try to force your needs on other people. ASK first, most people will say yes but if they say no, take no for an answer and don't get insulted or ask a lot of nosy questions. If you just barge in and hug someone, you might set off an instinctive reaction and get more of a touch in return than you were expecting--like a knuckle sandwich. That would be very harmful to BOTH of you because you get socked, and the other person gets to relive whatever happened to them in the first place. Always use your common sense.
Posted July 20, 2006 9:51 PM
Rinatta, I remember hugging my parents, aunts and uncles growing up and it was great. The europeans are a hugging and kissing bunch of folks. I never heard of a cuddle party but I have thought what a great thing it would be if we could just hug eachother more, it is so exhilarating. I'm glad you mentioned the precautions because it can be friendly, loving or sexual depending on the situation and people involved. My daughters have gotten so much of that" beware of pedophile" warning that they don't even go for hugging me very much. I have to ask them for a hug or a kiss on the cheek. What's you take on touching during converstaions? I have this theory that men who give a pat on the arm or hand during conversation are somewhat taken back by the other guy almost a bit fearful and women who do that are sort of attracted to the guy. Maybe they are just at ease or touchy feely people? Personally to switch over to greeting with a kiss or hug, as much as I love all of that I am not at ease kissing or hugging my wife's girlfriends. I'm not afraid I'll lose control and grab them, it just seems a bit too close for comfort. In other words if you're a woman and you hug and kiss me we better be related or there could be trouble. Now as I end this sounding like a oversexed sleeze, thanks for the interesting blog.
Posted July 24, 2006 10:53 PM
I was also raised in a family of non-huggers and to this day I miss that. My mom wasn't demonstrative at all, even with words, that she loved us even though I know she did. Brian's message hit home with me because I was in a relationship with a man with an English background, and he was not comfortable with hugging and kissing. I didn't realize it may have had to do with his background, and maybe I shouldn't have taken it so personally. Thanks for sharing that with us Brian, and I hope you will continue to receive those warm Argentina hugs.
Posted July 20, 2006 9:16 PM
Rinatta, what a great blog about touch. It's so true that we need touch like we need to nourish our bodies with food. I denied myself that for years. I did not want the touch of someone who made me feel bad. I now have that wonderful relationship and it makes me feel like a whole person. You know, they say that newborn babies, if denied touch, fail to thrive. We are all, in a sense, like newborn babies. We never outgrow those needs.
Posted July 25, 2006 2:37 AM
I have no problem there. My wife is very affectionate.
I get hugged, hugged, and hugged.
Posted July 25, 2006 11:47 PM
I HAVE ALWAYS ENJOYED KNOWING ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE. HAVING MY OWN BUSINESS OPENED UP LOTS OF PEOPLE CONTACT. RECENTLY, I HAVE BEEN RECOUPERATING FROM DOCTORS ERRORS WHILE IN HOSPITAL (BAD MIXTURE OF MEDICATION!) AND FEEL ISOLATED. YES, I CRAVE PEOPLE CONTACT! AND YES, HUGS ARE DEFINITELY A GOOD FORM OF AFFECTION AND PEOPLE CONTACT! WE ALL NEED CARING AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT!
Posted August 2, 2006 2:58 AM
I agree very much with many of the posts here, touch is something that my soul desires. It makes us feel alive, wanted, loved. I have found the hardest part of being single is sleeping alone. Just sliding my foot over to touch her was such the comfort, such the security. Gone gone gone. I also see kissing on the cheek as being acceptable at first intro, but not hugging because it is somewhat invasive and smothering. I don't mind giving a peck on the cheek, but don't expect me to press my body against a stranger. Enguaged in conversation with my haircutter, she told me that people often tell her the most intimate details in their lives and she attributes it to the touching involved in the process. I couldn't agree more, touch is very powerful.
Posted August 2, 2006 8:03 AM
It's too bad Becky had a bad experience. The chance she has to give someone some fulfillment or to receive fulfillment from another person is gone. It's too bad some people can't realize that everyone isn't trying to get into your pants. I do understand that the hurt does last a long time, but people like me have been able to get over it with or without counseling and still be a huggable person. I have been told that I am the greatest hugger in the world and the releif on someone's face who really needed a hug is priceless to me.
Posted July 25, 2006 6:15 AM
All the ideas are great ones. One note, as a massage therapist, I prefer not to be referred to as a 'masseuse'. A masseuse is not trained. In most states a trained massage therapist has at least 500 hours of schooling, pays for a license and insurance. But, having said that, massage is a GREAT way to be touched and it helps with aches and pains and makes you feel very pampered and special.
On of the most important ways that I am touched is the touch I receive from my cats. Pets are wonderful for helping you get enough touching and they give you unconditional love. Sometimes even more than you may want.
Most of my cats are, in fact, quite demanding that they be touched by me. And they are great company if you live alone as I do. You can talk to them and no one will think you're talking to yourself. You just say, oh, I was talking to the cat, or dog.
Posted July 25, 2006 9:04 PM
Like "In need of love", my wife too doesn't want to have sex much. For the last 10 years we have had sex only 1-3 times a year. I want to have it 1-3 times a week but for various physical and emotional reasons she doesn't. When we do have sex she really enjoys it and wonders why we don't do it more often.
Therefore, I am frustrated a lot sexually and emotionally as I enjoy the close physical touch of lovemaking. Even trying to sit with her and just hold her doesn't work much anymore. We both love each other but I need more touching.
This has esepcially been true for the past 6 years after I found out that I have a terminal illness. (I was given 2-6 years to live and am beating the odds.) I seem to crave touch of people - not just my wife. I don't mean sexually but just hugs, or other contact. It seems that I crave touch to sort of validate that I still exist. I don't totally understand my "cravings" but know it what I enjoyed before has heightened after finding out about my illness. Has anyone else felt this phenomenom or heard of others who have?
Posted July 25, 2006 7:58 PM
Beverly,
I agree with You about cats and another pets. I love animals very much, maybe even much more than humans, that's why I decided to be veterinarian at the age of 5. I have cats at home and I also love to take care of shelter animals (play, brush, touch) and i do not need a lot of touch from humans. I like to hug with husband and he likes it too, when we are watching TV I'm sitting on his lap (my weight is 51 kg), but I do not like to hug with another people, it's annoying for me. When I came to USA 1 year ago and husband introduced me to his sisters, brothers and cousins and their families it was hard time to me. They all huged me, so I had to hug them back. I did it just to be nice. But I didn't like it, especially hugs followed by slaping the back. I didn't let children and teenagers to do this with me because from my point of viev it's rude and disrespectful, probably in our high-respected society in big city, where I came from. I think that to shake hands and smile is quite enough for the first meeting, all the rest (hugging, kissing) depends on further development of relations; and it'll come naturally when me and another persons grew more close and friendly to each other. So, people are differend and so their needs. I think it's very important to respect privacy of another person. It means: it's MY body and I have all rights to decide whether I want to be touched or not. If I don't want to touch someone and don't want to be touched it has nothing to do with hate or disrespect, it's just MY personal feelings of comfort or discomfort.
And another people should understand this.
Posted August 4, 2006 3:01 PM
Jed:
I have read all your blogs on mid life marriages. My husband is filing for divorce after 27 years. I admit I had a problem with anger but until I read this particular blog I never thought it was abusive. Could you help me make some sense of this. I never threw anything at him, yes I lashed out at times but it was because he was always so dismissive of my emotions be they worry, fear or anger.
We had a very loving marriage for so long and then the stress of LIFE just got to me, parent's dying, a Mother with Alheimers, financial problems, my health problems & an empty nest. I am so frightened to face the reality that I may have been abusive. He says he got tired of walking on eggshells but I felt the same way the last two years. NOTHING I said was taken in context, everything was misconstrued as a jab. Even when I suggested he see a doctor for depression he thought I was attacking him.
Please, I never wanted to hurt him. I cannot look in the mirror if I was one of those abusive wives. I loved him so much.
Posted July 25, 2006 12:43 AM
I am of italian descent and we give a lot of hugs and kisses and we have a whole lot of passion.
Posted July 25, 2006 5:02 PM
So great is your write ups. Hugging,touching is not only for extreme satisfactions, it is also a way of appreciating your loved ones whom you constantly look up to. I grew up in a home that cherish much hugging but when i am single it gives me much satisfaction expecially when it is deep and long, but now i am married to a wonderful hugger, isn't it such a great gift of a woman?
I love my hugs.
Posted July 26, 2006 2:46 PM
My husband and I are in our mid 40's and recently married after eight years of both being single. Recently I tried to explain to him about what the most difficult part of being single was to me not too long ago and looked at me like I was crazy. I explained the lack of sex was not necessarily an issue for me, but the lack of touch was. Not having someone to hug and cuddle up at night with eventually became painful to me. I had previously discussed it with my girlfriends and they listened but I don't think they understood it either. Today I open my e-mail and I read the caption, I was like "you see - I know I'm not crazy", "there is such a thing as missing the human touch."
I loved this article and it has been all true for me, I recognize all the symptoms. I was touch starved as a single woman, now I take every opportunity to touch my husband and sometimes I ask him to just touch me. I love having him hold me while we sleep.
Thanks for reassuring me I not crazy.
Posted July 25, 2006 2:19 PM
One thing I learned was that when we hug, it is better to hold the person rather than pat them on the back. That causes a disconnect in a sense. So, to maintain a better contact, it is better to hug and not pat. I do this now and have taught many others about this. I know it works better for me anyway.
Posted July 20, 2006 5:48 PM
I would like to know more about abondament recovery as I have 2 parents who did this to me
Posted July 24, 2006 7:35 PM
It's really strange that this article came up on my email today. I was just thinking that "do it yourself" sex is missing something. It's missing the touch of another person. It's kind of sad that it's been years since I've had that feeling.
Posted July 24, 2006 8:35 PM
I am southamerican and grew among people that would find extremely strange and cold if someone
would not be lovable giving hugs and kisses to all ages.
Distance is very much into the saxon culture and
they do not know what they are missing! further
more I think that is very alienating.
Now when I see my godchild grown in DC I hardly give her a kiss or a hug on the fear of misinterpretation and the worst is that I know that she needs it.She was adopted and I know how
much it would reinforce her self esteem.
Could someone be normal and accept this type of gesture in this country?
Posted July 24, 2006 9:13 PM
This is for Maria who is southamerican. You should go ahead and express affection for your godchild. Especially since you think it would reinforce her self esteem. As an "Off-Duty Mom" I am sure that, although my grown children would never admit it, they still value a mother's concern and touch. I think you should push ahead and express yourself; just be prepared for her not to reciprocate.
And I am Anglo and my family has always greeted one another with a hug and a kiss.
Posted July 24, 2006 9:17 PM
I was raised in a family of non hugging or kissing parents. They loved us, cared deaply for us but jst not affectionate. What changed them and me was when a couple of my sisters got old enough to realize what the parents were lacking they started making up for. The sisters would hug my mom and start trying to hug our dad and he and my mother were soon hugging to. it took the self aware sisters to get it going. thank goodness for them because now we all hug and hang on to each other and it feels good. Thanks rob
Posted July 24, 2006 9:43 PM
To Maria.
I'm English and touching is definitely NOT us. I'n 44, have lived in Argentina since Januray 2003 and lost my wife four months ago. I am SO glad I live here.
Although I don't see many people, or anybody very often, and my poor Spanish is a major problem, and not knowing anybody as we moved to a new town the week she died are all major isolating factors, you can't even begin to know how much it means when some of those who do know me give me a hug.
Spread your South American hugs as widely as you can. We "Saxons" need them.
Posted July 25, 2006 3:46 AM
It's something I'm lacking since my husband died two years ago. A lot of women friends and some men as well are huggers and I hug back. Sometimes that's part of what's needed so others know they're not overstepping some boundary by hugging you. Hug first. :)
Posted July 25, 2006 12:11 PM
When my wife miscarried 25 years ago, that was the last time we had sex. There is always some excuse, day after day, year after year. I love her and she loves me, but sex doesnt enter the picture. I miss the hugs and the sex. when I need it, I hug myself. When she sees me doing it, she gets annoyed and I tell her point blank that she doesnt hug me anymore. She just turns around and walks away.
Posted July 25, 2006 1:40 PM
I have a great need for hugging because my parents and step-parents were not huggers. (my stepmother did hug.)
I have been married 48 years and I still need more hugging.
I go to Church and I hug people and they hug me. I always want the pastors to hug me and they do.It makes me feel loved.
Posted August 21, 2006 8:02 AM
WOW! That's it! It's not so much the sex as it is the intimacy of a smile, conversation, the embrace of a hug.
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