Late-Life Love: Following Your Own Path

Today I'm writing more on the subject of Late Life Love: Romance & New Relationships in Late Years the title of my forthcoming book due out in October. One of the proofreaders expressed surprise at the inclusion of a gay couple and also a lesbian couple, Grace and Amelia, who live very openly and have discovered their freedom to make such choices in their later years.

The same-sex couples expressed an attitude not unlike the heterosexual partners who expressed opinions like, "It never really occurred to me to care what my children or the neighbors thought," and "Why would I, in my 70s, give a hoot about what people think?" I found a pattern of independence and maturity in how each couple designed their relationship. Ed had a couple of long-lasting male relationships, but when he met Michael, he was living alone. Michael had been married and had two grown children. Here is some of their story in their own words.

MICHAEL: "My children are now 21 and 18. I think my wife had suspicions that I was gay but she ignored it. She was angry with me after the divorce. We get along better now. She realizes that my being gay wasn't a reflection on her in any way. I never was really physically attracted to my wife but I did love her. I guess I loved her like a sister and I still love her.

"I didn't necessarily expect to find a life partner but I had hoped to meet someone I could trust, who shared the same values I have, someone who I can talk with comfortably about many things, and a person who was also seeking a permanent companionship. I was looking for someone who I could love, who would love me and accept me for who I am. There are some gay men that are never going to interested in a committed relationship but others, like me, want that and seek it out with a permanent liaison in mind."

"I'm a retired teacher by profession. I taught first through third grade over the years. What I do now is work at a gay library. It's the third largest such library in the country. My church serves an inner-city population and they provide tutoring for children that are having learning problems at school. My other job is working there as one of the tutors."

ED: "We don't have money problems. The part-time jobs that Michael has doesn't bring in much income, but we pool our money and get along. I'm taking my Social Security but I still am employed part-time in the kind of work I've done for many years as a graphic designer. We pool all of our money and Michael takes the responsibility of paying the bills. We don't worry about who spends what. Sometimes if it's a bigger expenditure we discuss it first. We don't live extravagantly so the money works out fine."

MICHAEL: "We do many things together. We enjoy going shopping, going to the symphony and to plays, and church activities keep us quite busy. I’ve just registered for a weaving class. That's something I've always wanted to do. And Ed is a painter and although he has neglected that interest for a while, he's going to get back to it now. We both have leisure time and we want to fill it with creative activities that we enjoy."

ED: "I'm sure one of us will end up taking care of the other eventually. I actually look forward to that. What I mean is that I think gay men always worry they're going to end up growing old alone and now we have each other. I don't want you to think Michael and I got together because we don't want to be alone. We put our lives together because we loved each other and we wanted to be a couple."

And here are a few excerpts from my conversation with Amelia, age 65 and Grace, who is 70. On her birthday Amelia gave Grace a diamond ring. With a tear in her eye and a smile on her face, Grace told me: I'm a big believer in ritual and tradition. Maybe being older has made us less concerned about how the world views our being together. I was married to George for twenty years when I met Amelia. George and I weren’t living together at the time but we were still good friends. George and I have a grown son in his forties and I have another son from my first marriage who is almost fifty now. I certainly wasn’t looking for a new relationship. I’ve always had a very full and rich life. I’m an artist and a teacher and my life was full with my art and my teaching and my children. Yet, in both of my marriages, although there were many reasons for the attraction in both marriages, a deep intimacy was always missing from my life. I sometimes I think of the anthropologist, Margaret Mead who had three committed relationships. Her first was for children, her second was for intellectual exchange, and her third was for love. That third one was with a woman. Once I was attracted to Amelia, I never felt a physical attraction to another man or woman. Sometimes I think that this is what mating for life is supposed to be like.

AMELIA: "I had been divorced for about six years and recently ended a relationship and I wasn’t looking for someone to love or to love me. I had everything I needed in my life; I had two children, many friends, a great job as a film producer, and I had a community of colleagues. I guess I was feeling rather smug that my life was complete without a romantic attachment."

"I had previously been married to a very good man and had a good marriage but I still would always consider his career was more important than mine. I felt that people always identified me through him. With Grace, although each of us has our own strengths, we feel equal. We have a calm and steady relationship. It’s the way that it ought to be; you depend on each other, love and respect each other. Sharing my life with Grace has made me healthier, stronger, and a better person. This second half of our lives is, as the psychologist Carl Jung said, a moving towards fullness of being. Grace helps me do that. I can trust my heart and soul and body to her and that’s extremely important and comforting."

GRACE: "Although I’ve slowed up some in these last years our lives are joyous and rich. I feel safe with my partnership and that’s the best thing anybody could hope to have in their life."

Grace and Amelia, Ed and Michael. (pseudonyms) Two of many older couples that shine a light on late-life romance and new relationships.