Romance and New Relationships in the Later Years

For over 25 years, my work has involved collecting and telling the stories of people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s and beyond. My efforts have been aimed at embracing the fullness of life in the later years, discovering who you are now that you're not who you were, experiencing the joys and responsibilities of grandparenting, exploring spiritual growth in the later years, and dealing with attitudes of ageism in our society. Now my mission is to share the experiences of older persons who tell of their need for love, companionship, sharing of daily life, intimacy, touching and sexual pleasure. In my next few blogs, I’ll be telling some of stories of couples that will also appear in my forthcoming book to be published in October, Late Life Love – Romance and New Relationships in the Later Years.

I’ve chosen to focus on the World War II generation rather than the Baby Boomer generation. Many Boomers are still raising children and building their careers. They have different concerns and priorities than retired widows, widowers, and older divorced individuals. Plus, there’s already an abundance of information out there on "finding a new love in mid-life," "raising our children together," "dating again after 40," and "tips on finding the right man (or woman) this time around."

In spite of the reality of some in the baby-boom generation now coming into their 60s, our society continues to perpetuate negative attitudes about older people. Some of those stereotypes that we’ve been exposed to since our youth unfortunately still color our ideas about the limitations of older people. I clearly remember a conversation that I and two other 13-year-old girls had one night, 60-plus years ago. We were determined to stay up until dawn at a slumber party. As girls of that age often do, our conversations drifted into the subject of sex. One of my friends said emphatically, "I don't like to think of my mom and dad in bed with each other and ick – touching each other." Then I offered my reassuring reply, "Oh, I'm sure they're too old to have sex." Now I’m in my mid-70s, many years older and considerably wiser. Yet I know that these generalizations persist. My conversations with couples I've interviewed offer a variety of different experiences and opinions.

When I talked with Sam, age 66, and his wife of almost five years, he shared this comment. "Sexuality is a part of mature life. Some young people fear it all ends at age 35. They're wrong. Every aspect of intimacy is important -- hand-holding, cuddling, as well as actual sex. It's an important dimension of life and we joyfully partake in it."

Bob, and his partner Meryl, both in their 70s, added their comments. She freely talked about their physical relationship. "People our age certainly have sexual relations in spite of the myth that old people don't do that anymore." And then there's Sharon, who is 72 and her partner Alex, who just turned 79. Each continues to live in their separates homes but they share a good deal of time together. Alex told me that "we often spend nights at each other's homes. We have visitor’s rights and visitor's privileges." Sharon added, "As younger people, we each believed in waiting until marriage for sex. We were both faithful to our partners, and we believe that was right. We now believe that the commitment we have to this relationship, without marriage, allows for sexual intimacy."

Love, intimacy, sex and meaningful relationships are not the exclusive domain of the young. I’ve searched but haven’t found any studies or statistics on the number of older people taking on a new partner in their later years. Yet recently, I've been encountering such relationships everywhere. In fact, my partner and I are one of those couples. Maybe you are as well.