Seeking Late-Life Love: Age Brings Freedom to Redesign Relationships

Charles and Joan live in different countries, yet are deeply committed to one another, eagerly plan their times together, yet desire and preserve the independence of their times apart. Sharon and Alex grew up opposed to premarital sex and cohabitation; yet now enjoy a passionate, live-in relationship of their own. Friends Lillian and George married out of apparent convenience, only to grow to love one another as the marriage progressed. And Grace and Amelia, at one time in traditional heterosexual marriages, now share a rich and full life in their later years.

What do these seemingly diverse couples have in common? They’re all in their 60s, 70s, 80s, or 90s. They are part of a fast growing demographic of widows, widowers, and older divorced adults who are taking new partners in their later years. The conversations with twenty-two couples I interviewed for my forthcoming book, Late-Life Love: Romance and New Relationships in Later Years offer a glimpse of what seems to be a fast-growing reality: the re-mating of older individuals who are creating their own personal ways of growing a unique relationship together and sharing a late-life love. In my interviews I quickly discovered that whether or not the couple chose to marry, their commitment was total and deeply sincere.

Kathryn and Richard most probably will never marry, yet as Richard expressed, “For lack of a better term, I consider us as being married. What I want most from Kathryn is not to be cared for but to be cared about. We have made a commitment for life to each other. I want Kathryn to be the last woman in my life, and I want her to know that.”

And Kathryn does indeed know that their commitment is firm. “Because of financial issues and the fact that we both need our own space, we’ve decided not to marry,” she explained. “We spend weekends together and time during the week as well. We live about ten minutes away from each other. Most nights when we’re not together, we talk on the phone. We sort of tuck each other in by phone. At this time of my life, I’m more myself than the self that other people expect me to be. Age has brought me freedom. Ironically, my expanding appreciation for Richard has actually added to my sense of freedom. In my slowing down I’ve discovered nuances not only in myself, but in our relationship. New dimensions of living are opening up for me. Embracing our relationship with honesty has given me more freedom.”

Amelia, who now shares a life with Grace, also expressed a deep commitment to their late life relationship. “I believe that a person gets the love they need at different time of their life and that it often comes from different places with different persons. Now my life and my love are with Grace.” In future blogs, I’ll be sharing more of my conversations with a couples who have re-mated and reinvented themselves in the process.

 
Late-life love comes with leftovers from our other lives—grandchildren, health concerns, previous living situations, sexual expectations, financial discrepancies, divorce, caregiving experiences, recent grief and loss as well as adult children that may or may not approve of their parent taking a new partner, Yet, each couple confirms the reality that, in the winter of their lives, they can still find summer.