Trouble Letting Go of Your Ex?

Several people wrote in about the painful dilemma of trying and failing to emotionally let go of their exes.  They feel extremely intolerant toward themselves for being so stuck. 
This continued torment and clinging to their exes is completely involuntary, not subject to conscious control of their cognitive minds: “I try to stop thinking about her, but I can’t seem to stop the feelings.” 

This represents the mind/heart disconnect we all struggle with in so many areas of our lives: “I know I shouldn’t eat this cake, but I can’t resist it.” I like to call this impulse-ridden part of the personality Outer child.   

Outer child has a will of its own and acts against an adult self’s best intentions.  Outer child is different from Inner child in that whereas Inner is all about feelings, Outer is all about behavior – ACTING OUT behavior. You can think of Outer as your inner child’s annoying older brother. 

The reason I introduce Outer child is to explain some of the unconscious motivation of “difficulty letting go” Outer is born of unconscious motivation).  Underneath all of this pining way is Outer’s self-spite.  There is a lot of self-spite in hanging on to someone who no longer wants you.  Unconsciously, Outer is saying, “If I can’t have my way (can’t have her back), I’m going to cry, pout, and be miserable all day. So there!”

Outer can make you miserable and depressed and wish you were dead because it is acting out its anger at the only person it has at hand – namely YOU.  It is angry at your ex for ending the relationship, but it’s taking it out on YOU.  In fact, Outer is so mad, it refuses to let you be happy or let go. 

Outer’s anger can seethe for a long time and send your life into a tailspin – all in a primitive, convoluted attempt to get even with your ex.  In other words, Outer can behave like a spoiled, self-spiteful brat toward yourself to “punish” the other person (even though it winds up punishing YOU). 

As children we “punished” our parents this way: We went up to our rooms and kicked and wailed and pouted to make them suffer, even when they weren’t listening.  In fact that made us bang our heads against the wall all the harder and to hurt ourselves all the more to try to make them suffer.  We also wanted to get them to pay attention.   

I know it might seem preposterous that adults could be as illogical and primitive as a child.  But consider the fact that children behave this way when they feel powerless to do anything else.  Outer developed within the personality in the quest for power – yes, primitive power.  Outer wanted power and self-spite is an emerging Outer child power ploy. 

If the hell you are going through has anything to do with pining for someone who has rejected you , I hope you consider self-spite as a possible source.  It will help you locate the fulcrum and adjust it.   

Examine your emotional history for early incidents of self-spite toward your parents.  If you can find this childish mechanism and recognize it, you can now, as an adult, take yourself in hand, and remind yourself that you don’t always get you what – that sometimes you really ARE powerless – and that punishing yourself will not bring her back.  Letting go will come easier.