Intensely Alive While Dying

Soul, essence or energy, whatever you want to call it, something leaves the body when a person dies. A body without its soul, essence or energy just isn’t a person anymore, it’s an empty shell.    Anyone who’s seen a person die knows exactly what I’m talking about.   But if you haven’t had that experience, your mind is filled with half-remembered scenes from movies and stories from other people along with your own fears and anxieties. People too often confuse dying with dead. A dying person may well be more intensely alive than at any other time in his or her life while death is lifeless.  

The gift a dying person can give of love and peace far exceeds what you ever can imagine.  I count being with my father as he lay dying for five days, surrounded by my mother, me and my six brothers and sisters, as one of the top ten highlights of my life.  

I’ve been moved, enlightened by all the comments to my post last week, Why Can’t We Talk About the Important Things and saddened too by the fear too many have of dying.

So I’d like to bring you today reports from someone on the frontlines of death, Margaret Ledger.  Margaret, a hospice volunteer, has just published Leaving this Life with Hospice, Stories of Wonder and Hope.”  

She describes the process of dying and the process of grieving in a frank and open-hearted manner, bringing knowledge and understanding to those who may be crippled with a fear of death that is mostly a fear of the unknown.    After reading this book, you’ll wonder why more people don’t choose hospice sooner. 

You’ll also be amazed at what an opportunity for growth, for the summation of an entire life, dying can bring.   As hard as it is to believe, a dying person will often say they are happier or more at peace than they have ever been.   The mysterious phenomena of prescient dreams or presence after death to loved ones is far too widespread to be dismissed.   Death remains a mystery.   But dying is a universal experience and there is much we can learn so that we can die well.   

Here are some highlights from Margaret’s book.

When to choose hospice

When you accept that you are dying and prefer to make the most of the time you have left in the setting of your choice surrounded by the people you love rather than to keep trying treatments that no longer provide any benefit.

The hospice philosophy

To help the dying live their lives to the fullest extent possible for as long as they live.  Hospice care is delivered through a team – the patient’s regular doctor, nurses, home care aids, social workers and spiritual and bereavement coordinators and volunteers – that supports the patient’s emotional and spiritual as well as physical needs and supports the family before and after the death.   Something that’s almost impossible in a hospital.

The emotional business of dying

It’s a series of steps. It is to say I’m sorry, forgive me, I’ve forgiven you, thank you, I love you and goodbye.

Affairs in order.

Part of the art of dying well is making sure that affairs are in order -  that financial arrangements are clear, the will is current, the paperwork complete.  Knowing that their affairs are in order is a great relief to the dying person who is often very concerned about their loved ones' ability to cope.   Often patients want to plan their funerals and burials.   Many want to give away personal items like jewelry to certain people or hold on until a special event happens like the birth of a granchild.

What the Dying Want

The founder of Hospice Dame Saunders asked a dying man what he need above all in those who were caring for him.  He said, “For someone to look as if they are trying to understand me.”  A dying person needs to be reassured that the family and other loved ones will be all right and that it’s okay to let go.

The fear of death can only be countered with courage.  Courage is love coming to the rescue in the words of Bill Whittle.   Love is the opposite of fear.   So if someone you know is dying or wants to talk about dying and arrangements, don't be afraid and shut them off, but love them and listen.