Why Can't We Talk About the Important Things?

Why don’t we talk about the important things?

Why is it we can talk about places we want to go, shows we want to see, restaurants we want to visit, TV shows we’ve seen, the latest ballgame, the newest joke, the latest fashion,  the latest political outrage, the clothes we need to get, the diet we’re going to go on, and the current celebrity scandal, school, but we can’t seem to talk about the things that are most important that will make the biggest difference to ourselves and to our families?

Why do we find it so hard to talk about death and legacy?

Susan Newman, a social psychologist who writes about relationships between parents and adult children, says, “Most people want to barricade it off.  It’s really hard to talk about.”

She points to herself and what happens when she visits an aunt for whom she has the power of attorney,

"My aunt has all her finances in order, and her things in order. She tries to tell me where this is and that is, but I say, 'I don't really want to discuss this.' I can't tell you how many times she's tried to go over it all."

Why is it we find ourselves so unwilling to look death in the face.  After all, it’s the certain end for all of us.    We have years to think about and talk to our loved ones before we get old and sick, but we don’t.    

Last week,  Robin Henig examined Will We Ever Arrive at the Good Death, in the New York Times magazine. 

"According to the National Hospice Foundation, one-quarter of American adults over 45 say they would be unwilling to talk to their parents about their parents' death -- even if their parents had been told they had less than six months to live. Half of all Americans said they were counting on friends and family members to carry out their wishes about how they wanted to die -- but 75 percent of them had never spelled out those wishes to anyone. A significant subset of that 75 percent had probably never even articulated their wishes to themselves."

"As J. Donald Schumacher, president of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization, said last April to the Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions, ''Americans are more likely to talk to their children about safe sex and drugs than to their terminally ill parents about choices in care as they near life's final stages.'' "

A recent study, commissioned by the Allianz Life Insurance Company, designed by Age Wave and conducted by Harris Interactive, found a huge communication gap between boomers and their elders. 

The majority of the nation's baby boomers (68 percent) and those surveyed from their parents' generation (71 percent) say they feel highly confident discussing key elements of inheritance and legacy planning issues, yet only around one third (29 percent) of baby boomers and elders (31 percent) have actually done so with their own families.

The study also found that fullfilling last wishes and distributing personal possessions were five times more likely to be the greatest source of family conflict than the distribution of money.

Non-financial leave-behinds - like ethics, morality, faith and religion - are 10 times more important to both boomers and elders with children than the financial aspects of a legacy transfer.

Could it be that we’re not getting to the heart of the issue?   Perhaps some of our reluctance stems from our unwillingness to talk about money because it seems so small and crass in face of the great mystery that is death.  Perhaps if we could talk about legacy in a more meaningful and comprehensive way, we would find easier to talk to our parents and our children.

The Allianz American Legacies study found this surprising fact:  boomers and their elders embraced the idea of leaving a legacy that captured all facets of an individual’s life – including “their family traditions and history, sharing stories, values and wishes.”    Passing along values and life lessons is overwhelmingly considered the most important element of a legacy for both generations.

I say Your Legacy Matters. You want to leave behind the gift of good records, the gift of good directions, the gift of family stories and the gift of yourself, the treasures of your heart  - what and how you loved.

But I want to hear from you.  Why do you find this so hard to talk about?