Turning 50: Crisis or Empowerment?

Marlene, you are probably correct taking menapause into consideration. Ladies, I also love to watch the Food Channel and the worst place to do so is while on a treadmill at the gym. There I am trying to lose my gut as Bobby Flay is grilling up lobster and steak or Mario Bataglia is making some mouth watering delight. Sometimes I have to get off the machine to write down ingredients or a recipe. I have cutback some of my cooking including deserts in order to keep my and my family's weight down a bit. I just love making gravy with whatever roast meat or foul I make and what's dinner without desert? Devil's Food Cake filled with fresh whipped cream(not whipped topping). I better stop, at this rate I'll be lucky to make it to sixty.

Frank, I've observed that there might be a gender difference here. Turning 50 or being in your 50's for women seems to be a critical point in their lifes. Being in your 50's hasn't seemed to affected you too much and I believe that is the norm for most men. Men turning 60 though seems to be a whole different story. That seems to be their critical time.

Kathleen and Frank, you two sweeties. Thanks for your support and comments. I watch cooking shows from 4:30 on and get excited about what to cook. I have a glass of wine and start creating this festive meal. This is probably left over from having my children home. The day was planned around the evening meal. So, I'm careful not to go overboard and make something like calarmari (ketch the pun?)and most times hubby will say 'very good' but he really only wants meatloaf and macaroni and meatballs. Italian and picky as he is, he tries to go along with my new things. He is not blatantly rude when he doesn't like it, but he will somehow get it in that maybe if you did it a different way. That's all I need to hear. It's like an artist being told the colors are all wrong. This is my "thing" and not his. So last night I made fried red (not green)tomatoes..not so gourmet or different, right? I used panko, Japanese style bread crumbs, chopped basil from my little flower pot garden, garlic, dipped them in eggs and fried them. I am a Jersey girl and the tomatoes here are to die for, huge and juicy. Also, this is corn season and that is equally good. But I digress, he still had his meatloaf which I had baked four days ago. He eats that every night and then I make something for myself. The deal is I love to share it. Anyway, Frank, I belong to a book group. It is the greatest thing. And you are a good writer. It might be a good idea to get involved in that, as well. I took some courses at a local college a few years ago and I loved it. Thanks again for the responses. It really did make me feel better. Be cool today.

Our heat has "supposedly" broken. I must be having hot flashes because I don't feel the difference. Wow Joan! You are making my mouth water! That sounds wonderful! May I come to your home for dinner?? I love the Food Network too and watch certain shows religiously. I also make a ritual out of our evening meal. It has been one of the things we have "required" as the children have grown up, a family dinner/supper? every evening. They are 19, 17 and 13 and still love it. One of the things I have done is to take my need for "change" out on the kids. When my husband travels, we experiment! They are very good natured and love it. They are easy to please but they tell the truth also. We have lots of fun and they make suggestions. I'll get out a pile of cookbooks and ask them to pick a few recipes that sound good to them. They are always appreciatve, especcially my 19 year old who has had a year of dorm food! One of the things I had to come to terms with was the fact that my mother used food and more to the point "cooking" to show her love. I am the eldest of 7 and we had an elaborate 5-7 course meal every evening. My mom spent most of her time in the kitchen and loved to cook. She was a wonderful cook and we all enjoyed her fabulous meals. Both of my parents passed when they were in their mid 60's and I miss my mother trmemendously. She died quite suddenly and never wrote down our family recipes. We all try to re-create them and some of them are getting pretty close. I often pour a glass of wine and call one of my brothers, (#5!) who also loves to cook and does all of his family cooking when he gets home from work. We have a glass of wine while he helps his younger boys with homework and we cook our dinners together. We "try" to stay away from conversations of religion and politics becsuse we vehmently disagree on these issues so we talk about raising our children and cooking. He has wonderful ideas and recipes and sometimes we just call to see what the other is making that evening! It has become our new ritual and it fills a deep space for both of us that was left by our parents early deaths. It's funny. Even when food is not a emotional issue regarding over eating and obesity, none of which we have in our families, it can still be an emotional issue. It is so much a part of our lives and memories it is almost another character in our family drama! Getting back to the 50 thing, one of the issues that bothers me the most right now is the fuzzy mind thing. I have always been a wonderful speller with a big vocabulary but I find myself in such a hole these days, searching for the word that is on the tip of my tongue and then misspelling simple everyday words! A friend of mine who has already come out the other side of menopause says this gets better. Does anyone else have these small but very irritating problems?

First of all, Frank, I didn't notice any gender identification on this blog so of course you are welcome! It is good to hear a man's opinion! And as for friends, it seems you have made quite a few cyber ones! Do you have a book store or a coffee shop you can frequent? We have a great number of lectures at our book stores in the area and it is always at the top of my list of things to do when I get the time. Also, you are a very prolific writer. Have you ever thought of joining a writing group? They can be found at book stores, communitiy colleges and libraries. There are also some wonderful writing classes on line that foster an almost immediate since of community and friendship. www.writersonthenet.com is wonderful. You have a lot to offer and I hope you find a space that makes you feel welcome and appreciated. Second, Joan I have so been where you are now! My husband has gotten up from the table and thrown his entire meal, plate and all in the garbage disposal before he stomped out of the room! I love to experiment too and he is a creature of habit when it comes to his food. At least the food I prepare! Do not take it too seriously. It is of course his issue and not yours. But, your response to it "is" your issue. You might want to explore how it makes you feel when he acts in that manner. I found my response was directly related to my need for approval and my need to please. My issues related to my never ending quest for my fathers approval. I did not heal those "wounds" while living with my father so I naturally married a man who would be hard to please also. This is of course for my own highest good. I was then able to see my unhealed issues reflected to me by my husband. While this is painful, I feel it is a gift from the universe to help me along in my purpose, which I feel is to heal myself and therefore my family, my community, etc. etc. You know, the pebble in the pond theory. Having said all of that, I think you handled it wonderfully! What a fabulous idea! Go out to dinner! You can then cook when you choose for whom you choose! No need to get angry or have hurt feelings - just choose not to put your energy out in a way that is not appreciated! Bravo!

Oh God, I can't believe this blog has arisen tonight of all nights. I am a gourmet cook and I LOVE trying new recipes. My husband, my love, my husband of three years only, has the most limited diet I have ever seen. No matter what I make there is a remark. Tonight I am so shot down. The husband I divorced was a great cook and started to take over for me, as I worked part-time. Before that my family would fall over after dinner raving about what I cooked. Am I being overly sensitive? I feel it is affecting my marriage. I told my husband that from now on I will not cook and just go out to eat every night.

Please allow this interruption by a man in his fifties. I just got finished serving dinner to my two dauhters and one of their friends. I made a pork roast,gravy, baked potatoes and corn on the cob. Since I retired five years ago I've been trying to be more helpful around the house while my wife is at work or helping her ill parents. I don't see my fifties as anything to cheer about or be upset over. I continue to take care of my health through exercise and my family through my deeds. I was never the kind of guy to hang out with the boys and if there was one thing I could change about my situation it would be to have more social interaction. It gets very lonely around here at times but I'm hopeful of the future maybe I'll develop some friendships when I'm in my sixties? Right now age is just a number and a matter of mind.

I'm in that age group and I'd say it was a time of transitioning. Things started happening to my physical body that I didn't think would happen until I was "OLD"! I was blessed with great genes and I never had to give my physical appearance a second thought. I was satisfied with my appearance. I had practically no maintenance when it came to my physical self except the basics like wash, brush my teeth, run a brush through my hair and go. I never wore face makeup, just a little eye makeup was all and it's been that way up until now. I don't want you to get the wrong impression that I was some knockout. I was attractive enough, not hard on the eyes and never had a weight issue no matter what my diet was. Then all hell broke loose at 50. Little things. One day I noticed my knees had a little extra skin. Then next day I find a line on my face or a light brown spot somewhere that wasn't there the last time I checked. The hot flashes that are horrible. That's just some of the physical sides of it. The mental side is feeling a sense of "it's my last chance" time period. I'm always thinking of a new occupation. Something that I'd really like to do before I'm totally not marketable anymore. Not feeling needed by my children as much anymore. They all have their own lives now and I'm an after thought instead of being right there in the middle of everything. Finding a purpose seems to be urgent to me right now. I just ended a 4 year relationship, so of course I'm thinking, "is that it for me"? Is that the last relationship I'm going to have?The age group of men that I would like to date probably want someone a lot younger then I am. Not that any of this is fact it's just what is going through my mind at this point in my life. And being an optimist at heart I refuse to believe any of that, whether it's true or not!! I started thinking that I'd better make up my mind what I want to do with my life because this may be my last chance. I guess the best way to describe what I'm feeling at this point in my life is a need for some kind of change or direction. I've been married twice, so I don't necessarily have the urgency to be married, although I would probably marry again if I were so inclined. Maybe if I was married I wouldn't feel all of these things, maybe I would. But for me I feel like this is my last semester at college and I better try to have all of the fun I can and do all of things I've always wanted to do because soon I won't be able to do them anymore, kind of thinking. I'm moving into my own place for the first time in a week which might turn out to be a good thing, a new chapter in my life. Meeting new people, no responsibilities for anyone. We'll see. But I'm taking this time in my life to re-evaluate what I've accomplished, what I haven't, the mistakes I've made along the way, the things I've done right. And how to forgive myself for those mistakes. A very spiritual time maybe the correct explaination. Reflection. Balance is the key to happiness I've learned and that's what I'm going to strive to achieve. Up to this point, I've never been any good at that.

Marlene, I too have the feeling that life is more urgent now. This has been a good thing for me. It has given me the impetus to really live my life on my terms. Not my parents, not societies, not my husbands or my childrens. I have chosen to "go for the gusto" to paraphrase an old beer add! This is my life and it is going to be on my terms! I have been in a challenging marriage for over 20 years. Most of that time I have been the peace maker and over accomadating wife even while going thru many layers of spiritual and emotional growth. I have always put my husbands needs and wants and issues above my own. This is a very natural thing to do and most of us are raised to place our husbands and childrens needs ahead of our own. It isn't right or wrong, it just is. I can remember a time not that long ago when I was so disconnected from my own needs and wants I couldn't tell you what they were. What did I like? How would I choose to spend my time? What would I like for dinner? Fortunately, I know the answers to those questions now. And while things are not always "my" way, I do consciously realize the choice I am making in every moment. I have chosen to fall in love with myself. I can honestly say I truly enjoy being alone with myself. I still have children at home so this is not something that happens very often but when it does I relish it. I am very selfish about my time. I guard my solitude like it is a precious treasure. I plan my weeks with this in mind. When my husband is out of town, I rarely make plans to meet friends or attend functions. I take this time to re-charge myself. I read, listen to music, walk in nature, meditate and contemplate. I consciously work at releasing the ever nagging voice to accomplish something worthwhile. I am creating inner peace and balance, what could matter more? Many of my friends and neighbors are leaving their marriages now. I think they are feeling the same urgency we are talking about. I have taken this urgency and turned it inward, to become more comfortable with myself. Maybe my marriage will end too, I don't know. Alot of that is beyond my control and I will deal with that when and if the need arises. My husband is going thru some of his own mid-life issues and he will have to decide how he wants to live the rest of his life also. I do know I now have a new found conviction of what I will and won't accept in my relationships. All of my relationships. And I feel this is a direct result of turning 50! And Marlene, the right guy for you is the one who will be drawn to your wisdom and your light. The ones that are drawn to younger women do not have the depth or capacity to appreciate you. It's their lose!

Kathleen, Thank you for your encouragement. Women in this age bracket need that. You did what most women do with their families and that's putting their own needs last. Or not even addressing them as in your case. I feel you will be rewarded for that now. You can put emphasis on YOU without the guilt and anxiety that goes along with it. It's your time and you deserve it. This will be the first time I've ever lived alone and it's scary and exciting all at the same time. The little things will be appreciated, like wherever I put my stuff it will be nice to know that it will still be there when I need it. If I feel like cooking I will, if I don't I won't and there will be no one to complain about that. Although I have to say that in the last few years I've been laxed in the cooking department. Commuting into Manhattan from New Jersey every day, and not getting home before 8pm every night gave me the right to say that I didn't feel like cooking tonight. My kids are in their 20's anyway and I felt they were old enough to fend for themselves now. I looked at it as teaching them to be independent, (Ha Ha). My last boyfriend (boyfriend, that word sounds so strange at this age, but for lack of a better one I use it) he cooked for me, so I have to say I've been spoiled in the kitchen department in the last few years. But this new place will be exactly as I would want it not how it needs to be because of the family and that's an exciting thing. I can make it as feminine as I want to. I'm trying to keep my sense of humor about these changes going on at this age. There are times when I don't succeed, but I've been through a lot in my 50 years and it's made me stronge so I know I'll get passed this stage and hopefully be stronger yet and hopefully I will have learned to be at peace with myself and my choices in my journey through the last half of my life.

I found turning 50 and my Chiron return to be very liberating. I feel alot of the emotional and spiritual work I have been doing for many years is "finally" coming together in an extremely empowering and exciting way. I feel more like myself than I have ever felt before. It feels wonderful! My creativity is extremely high. I wake up in the middle of the night with new designs swimming in my head or new ideas to write about. The only problem is finding the time to get it all down! I have successfully healed some of my menopausal symptoms without drugs or surgery and that has given me additional confidence in entering this next phase of my life on my own terms. The age thing has reared it's head at times and I allow myself to "grieve" the disappearance of my younger self in appropriate ways while still looking forward to my coming "crone" years. I plan to stay fit, beautiful and healthy for at least another 40 years! You asked if it is a time when everything "goes right". I think we all have our individual journeys to undertake. What "goes right" for one may not be the "right" thing for another. But everything shows up in our lives to enable us to move forward on our spiritual path and with our lives true mission. I believe we are all here to heal ourselves and to learn to love and forgive ourselves and all others. I believe all of the situations whether we perceive them "right" or "wrong" are opportunities to do this. I look forward to moving into my power even more as I learn to balance and heal every aspect of my life on this beautiful planet!