A Simple Solution for a Long-Standing Relationship Problem

As I have so often reminded this readership, having been in private practice as long as I have, there are many recurring themes in the couples I see.  One of these patterns is the frustration experienced by women that her mate will not take responsibility when he has done something wrong.

I must confess that as a woman, aside from being a psychologist, I have felt the same way in my own marriage.  However, something recently happened that was an “Aha” moment for my husband of almost 34 years.  I wanted to share it with you since I really do feel it can be a simple solution for so many others.

The root of the problem

I’m going to make you wait a bit for the solution and first talk a bit about where the problem stems from.  For many years, I have believed that men are far more sensitive than women are.  It has been my contention that the reason that the male species cannot “fess up” or hear any criticism is that they feel really, really bad that they have done something wrong.

Now you might be wondering, “With this awareness, why would I have been frustrated in my own marriage?”  But remember, I’m a person too, and am not necessarily shielded from human foibles just because of professional knowledge.

Personal insights are useful.  However, when they’re backed up by research, they clearly hold much more credibility.  If you are a regular reader of my blog, you saw a posting I did a couple of weeks ago indicating that at a physiological level men, in fact, don’t tolerate conflict as well as women.  Though they may look fine on the outside, internally, they’re not okay.

The personal story

So, as I’ve mentioned, this same issue of my husband not being able to acknowledge when I call him on something has been an ongoing upset for me.  Something happens and I say something about it and I get a reaction which is probably typical for most women.  Either he denies it or makes and excuse or probably worst of all … minimizes it.  Yes -- minimizing it really gets me crazy!

But recently something different happened.  I really don’t remember the incident.  But it was something that was bothersome and when I mentioned it, he replied, “My bad.”  Yes, ladies, believe what I wrote -- “My bad.”

Now guys listen up because it gets better than that.  Once he said those two little words, I said, “Okay.”  In disbelief, my spouse replies, “Okay? That’s it?  We’re done?”  “Yes,” I say, “Everyone makes mistakes, I just need you to acknowledge it.”  And truly, it was over -- that’s why I don’t even remember what the incident was about.

So for the good part of 34 years, we’ve been going round and round with me feeling frustrated and I’m sure him feeling lousy.  And all it would have taken was some small form of acknowledgment.

I imagine the women that are reading this post are smiling and saying, “Yes! Yes!”  On the other hand, the men are shaking their heads and not believing that this same scenario would be true in their relationships.  As the saying goes: “Try it … you’ll like it.”

Oh, as a post-script, my husband has continued to use this phrase (he’s a quick study) -- we’re both enjoying his new found “Aha!”

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