Another Relationship Lesson - It's in the Connection

For the last several postings, I've written about topics based on information I received at a conference I attend each year, SmartMarriages. At this conference, there are numerous workshops that offer a wide variety of topics having to do with relationships.

In my opinion, the most poignant comments were offered by Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading couples' therapist. So, I have saved the best for last. Her work, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), is founded on the principle that everyone needs to feel a sense of attachment. She makes the point that the brain is a social organ and that attachment is a need that exists from the cradle to the grave.

More detail

Attachment is not codependency. Rather, it is a safe emotional bond between two people. It is a sense that you are emotionally responsive to one another.

Not only is the need for connection important, it is more primary than either sex or aggression. Basically, attachment comes down to issues like: Do I matter?, Are you there for me?, Do you love me?, Will you be there for me when I call for you?, and Is what I do good enough?

Dr. Johnson further explains that a feeling of isolation is the ultimate enemy of man. When someone experiences isolation, he or she becomes depressed. A primal panic occurs at this moment and there is a brain pathway that gets activated to feel connected again.

How this plays out in your relationship

Since this was a conference on marriages, Dr. Johnson's remarks pertained to those who were married. But I have no doubt that any relationship, especially those that are long-term and committed function the same way. As a matter of fact, I would venture to say that whether the couple can achieve a sense of attachment to some degree will determine whether they go on to making their partnership long-term.

When a couple experiences a disconnection from one another, there will be a panic that gets set off. The consequential behavior, as a result of this panic, has a result on the pair. If you can reach out to your loved one and he or she responds, then you once again feel safe and whole. You feel reconnected and content. This is referred to as effective dependency.

But emotions are tricky and most people feel vulnerable openly expressing them. Often, it's easier to do a behavior that is more self-protective. Some will "poke" to try to get attention. The likely result is that the partner will be turned off by this rather than coming forward responsively.

In contrast, others will shut down. In response to a shut down partner, most will only feel more disconnected. Of course, these two styles generally find one another and a cycle ensues: you poke; I shut down causing you to poke some more to try to get my attention only forcing me to move further away. Of course, initially it could start with the person shutting down. Johnson calls this a "dance."

I've been in the field a long time. But as I said at the beginning of this blog, I really felt Sue Johnson's input was the most remarkable I've heard. In today's post, I've only touched on the key points. If you want to learn more, I'd recommend her book, "Hold Me Tight," written for couples.

I hope you'll connect with her work -- and learn to really connect with your partner!

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