Attachment -- Not Such a Bad Thing

Though most people want to be part of a relationship, there’s also a familiar warning that you should not look to your partner to complete you. I, myself, have advised clients of this. Thinking that Prince (Princess) Charming is coming along and going to make all right in the world is a Hollywood fantasy.

But this can be very confusing; especially as more and more is coming out in the relationship literature about the absolute necessity for attachment. Attachment is good but wanting to have your partner make you whole is bad? Yes!

Some quick history

Years ago, Ainsworth did a study, entitled “The Strange Situation.” Toddlers were put in a room with their mothers and a stranger. Mom was then asked to leave and the child was observed to see how she responded. At the age of 12 - 18 months, when children are securely attached, they only want Mama -- no one else will do. So, they cry when Mama leaves the room and are only comforted upon her return.

The really significant aspect of this study is the finding that the kind of attachment one has in early life proves to be indicative of a person’s attachment in their adult relationships!

A revision in my thinking

Though I teach about this study and am well aware of the correlation between early and later year attachments, I learned something very interesting this summer. I was at the SmartMarriages Conference and heard Dr. Sue Johnson give a keynote address. She’s a renowned relationship expert from Canada. In her talk, she stated that no matter what a couple is arguing about, the underlying issue is always about attachment. It certainly gave me reason to pause and think. I spend a great deal of time teaching my couples how to better communicate their needs.

I started to listen to my couples with a different ear and suggested to them a model that was more in line with Johnson’s thinking. It did, in fact, resonate!

So, what is attachment? It’s a basic need that everyone has, regardless of gender, regardless of age. It’s the need to feel that you matter, that your needs are important, that you are secure with your significant other, that your loved one feels that you value him or her, see him or her as adequate. When these feelings are not there, a sense of being disconnected replaces it instead. Does this ring true for you as well?

The problem is that humans are emotionally frail. Exposing one’s needs is risky. To do so, makes you feel vulnerable. So, what happens instead is that the manifested behavior comes out as clinginess, withdrawal, or an attack. Each partner is afraid that the other won’t want him or her, will leave, or won’t love him or her any more.

But … if you can start to see what’s really going on, things can be different. If you can start to take a chance and be open with your feelings, a whole new type of relationship can start to evolve. It means talking about what you are experiencing rather than blaming the other person; it means not withdrawing but being willing to share. The strange part of it is that each of you is experiencing the same fears, perhaps in slightly different versions. When you are open to one another, and honest about what is truly going on, a whole new world becomes available.

In this concept, your partner is not there with the responsibility to complete you. This is too much of a burden. But when you are each sharing and doing your part of the relationship, it is very healing.

Next week, I’ll discuss why someone has a problem with commitment … and offer some ways to get past it.

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