Help for the Polarized Relationship

One of the greatest myths of a relationship is that once you have found your soul mate, your one true love, the two of you are going to agree on almost everything.  Or, to put it in modern language, you will be for the most part “on the same page.”  Wrong! As a matter of fact, the famous love researcher, Dr. John Gottman, has discovered that 69% of the time, couples will not be compatible with one another! 

You did not read that last sentence incorrectly -- 69% of the time you won’t see things the same way.  And it doesn’t mean you picked the wrong person or that you should end the relationship.  It merely indicates that you are different people, each with a variation in your perspective in the way you look at the world.  Of course, if you don’t know this fact, you are going to be disappointed a great deal of the time.

A real situation

In addition to being disappointed, it is likely that there will be a lot of emotionality flaring up around differences of opinions between you and your partner.  Let me offer a situation that typifies this issue.  A couple has just discovered that their two-year-old child suffers from an extreme peanut allergy.  Additionally, she may have a negative reaction to soy and eggs.

The mom is a worrier by nature.  This trait is also more prevalent among women.  Thus, to deal with her stress, she is acting hypervigilent about every facet of her daughter’s intake of food in every part of her life.  She is also anticipating what has to be done several years down the road when, as a mother, she cannot control every aspect.

The dad, typical of the male species, would rather compartmentalize, and take things as they occur.  He certainly doesn’t want to think about several years from now.  He also admittedly deals with his stress by denial.  Therefore, he is having a hard time “getting with the program” on the soy and egg regimen since it’s not definitive that those allergies exist.

Clearly, not only are these two not on the same page -- they are on opposite sides of the fence!  So here’s the dance that takes place:  as she tries to make her point, she gets annoyed at what she perceives as his not taking the issue at hand seriously.  After all, this is a matter of their daughter’s life!  Therefore, she has to really drive her point home. 

When she does, she trivializes his viewpoint. He, of course, senses her upset with him as well as feeling that she is over-reacting; in response, he is forced to make his point even more strongly.  In so doing, there are comments that demean her reaction.

The consequence is that neither of them feels heard or understood and without meaning to do so, each is saying something disrespectful to the other.  And, of course, as the dispute continues, whatever gap existed because of their initial differences has now grown even greater.  This process is called polarizing one another.

The answer

The solution to all of this is to bear in mind that you are two different people and that you do not have to agree with one another about everything -- even big issues.  Additionally, in times of stress, people will revert back to their comfortable methods of coping.  It’s especially important in stressful periods to give one another support.  The best way to do this is to understand one another -- even if you don’t see it the same way.

When your partner is emotional, trying to get them to see the logic will not work.  Understanding and compassion will.  What you have to remember is that by offering support for your partner’s feelings, you are not necessarily compromising your own position.  You are merely opening your heart.  In so doing, your connection will be deepened far more than the actual agreeing on the specifics of the situation.