Home for the Holidays: More Stress

OK, “fess up,” is there a part of you that secretly dreads the Holidays, a part of you that really doesn’t look forward to getting together with all of the relatives, or a part of you that does hope each year that it will be something special only to be disappointed?

Thanks for the memories...?

After all, every song we hear on the radio, every TV show, each book we read portrays images of families gathering together from distances to share special moments sprinkled with laughter and tears of fond memories.  Throw in a blazing fire and a sumptuous meal and you truly have a Norman Rockwell moment!

And while for many of you some variation of the above version may ring true; unfortunately, for others of you, that will not be the case.

Holiday stress and then some

The Holiday Season brings so much stress as it is -- the pressure of finding just the right gift in a limited amount of time, either preparing for house guests or making plans to travel, food preparations with possible concerns about various restrictions -- the list can go on and on.  Now add emotional stress to the list as well.

Why should that be?

There are lots of reasons, mostly having to do with our expectations.  Of course, we all want the idyllic families that have been created in song and verse. It’s the fantasy we dream of -- but it is fantasy. 

The reality is that when we rejoin with our families of origin it is more likely that old issues will get triggered.  For the most part, you may have gotten a handle on an issue, but just the way your mother says something or the way your brother acts seems to set you off like nails on a chalkboard.

 
I remember reading an article once where a psychologist was saying that she found it so amazing that she was so capable of helping so many other people.  Yet, when she went to visit with her own family, she found herself acting like she did when she was a 5-year old.  “Aaah, yes” – the proverbial old buttons!

Then, of course, there are the relatives in your partner’s family.  Their behavior is absolutely outlandish, their humor outrageous, their manners despicable!  As you watch your mate among them, you might even question whether you were on drugs when you agreed to partner with him/her.  Your thought now is “Run for the hills!” or at least, “I’m never doing this again!”

How can this be?

When two people join together even if they come from the same ethnicity, the same religious background and even the same neighborhood -- they are still going to be different.  After all, they were raised in two different households.  I often say that the trick to a good relationship is the bridging together of these two different styles.

When families reconvene for the Holidays, they are going to exhibit those styles in full regale.  Those are the memories, that’s the connection.

 Finding your place

So, where does this leave you?  As with everything else, you cannot change a situation and you cannot change others -- but you can change your reaction.  You do have a choice.  Here are some key points to keep in mind:

• Understand the reality of the situation
• Set your expectations appropriately
• See the “whole” of the person rather than focusing on one attribute or behavior
• Try to reframe a situation and find humor in it
• Let go of issues from the past – holding on to them is only upsetting you
• See differences in families as variety

As a kid, even with my dysfunctional family, I always found the Holidays fun.  I loved the frenzy and the excitement.  I even enjoyed the crowds and the sense of everyone trying to get things done.

As an adult, I see the Holidays as a time to take pause and reflect; as a time to connect and be grateful -- for who I am, for who I’ve become, for all those who are and have been along the path to help me be here -- even the dysfunctional family.  I made that choice -- you can, too!