Intelligent Relating

Some of you may know that aside from my private practice, I also teach Psychology at an undergraduate level at a local University. One of the topics I cover is Intelligence. The widely accepted opinion now is that there is a much broader definition of intelligence than years ago. We now know that there are many different types of intelligence; it's not just what the intelligence test measures.

And even when someone seems intelligent, it's amazing how often he or she may make decisions that seem rather unintelligent. I came across a very interesting blog the other day that referred to an article written by Michael London, a consultant to New Scientist, regarding how these faulty mistakes are made. First, I'd like to share his findings. And then, because one of the signs of intelligence is the ability to transfer knowledge from one situation to another, I'd like to point out how his findings are relevant to relationships. (Of course, you probably knew I was going there.)

Research findings

1. CLEAR YOUR MIND: Judgements can often be based on a piece of information you have recently had in mind, even if it is irrelevant. For example, bidding high at an auction after pondering the height of the tallest person in the room.

2. DON'T FALL FOUL OF SPIN: We have an inclination to be strongly influenced by the way a problem is framed. For instance, people are more likely to spend a monetary award immediately if they are told it is a bonus, compared with a rebate.

3. DON'T LET EMOTIONS GET IN THE WAY: They often interfere with our assessment of risk. One example is our natural reluctance to cut our losses on a falling investment because it might start rising again.

4. BE FACT BASED: Don't allow your beliefs and opinions to cloud your analysis.

5. THINK CAREFULLY ABOUT THE LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES: When considering how a course of action will make you feel, talk to someone who has been through a similar situation rather than try to imagine your future state of mind; run mental movies about how an option might play out.

6. LOOK BEYOND THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION: Don't accept the first thing that pops into your head.

Cross Over

1. CLEAR YOUR MIND: Don't necessarily respond to your mate based on something that just happened. It may not really be representative of your relationship.

2. DON'T FALL FOUL OF SPIN: When people are hurt or angry or upset, they say things in less than perfect ways. Don't necessarily get grabbed by the way something is presented, but take a deep breath and try to trust the essence of what your partner is conveying, the underlying feelings.

3. DON'T LET EMOTIONS GET IN THE WAY: Relationships are prime areas for emotions to flare up. Try to not respond to significant others when you are in an emotional state.

4. BE FACT BASED: Know that you have beliefs that have come from your history and family of origin. However, they may not be correct. Be willing to be open to new experiences with people who are important to you and do things differently.

5. THINK CAREFULLY ABOUT THE LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES: Using your imagination to anticipate consequences regarding your relationships is quite a useful tool. When you are uncertain as to how to proceed, before you take action, play out different scenarios in your mind and only proceed if you are willing to accept the consequences.

6. LOOK BEYOND THE OBVIOUS SOLUTION: Especially when you are emotional, the first thing that pops into your head as to what to do is often impulsive and something you'll regret. Allow yourself to consider other possibilities or share your experience with others whom you trust to get their input. Then decide.

Well, that was my spin on London's points. But you may have your own intelligent ideas!

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