Is Your Valentine's Day Happy?

Since my blogs get posted on Thursdays and today is February 14, as a relationship expert, I would feel remiss in not acknowledging Valentine’s Day.  So, first -- Happy Valentine’s Day!

For some of you, it’s a really nice day.  You’ll be getting any number of “markers” to remind you that you are cared about, that you are loved.  It may come in the form of a card or an e-card or flowers or a present.  And, of course, the sentiment has been expanded to no longer be only for those involved in what is traditionally thought of as a relationship.  I, myself, sent cards to my daughters.

Cupid didn’t visit you

Unfortunately, for many of you Valentine’s Day does not hold the magic in it that you’d like it to -- even if you are part of a couple.  The question is “Why not?”

Now, I would not be so bold as to think I have all the definitive answers as to why some people have trouble finding a relationship or being in one and feeling happy in it.  But there is one concept that I really feel is important and it may come as a surprise to you.

I think that in order to have a successful partnership you have to first love yourself.  By that I mean that it’s important to first have a good relationship with you.  Now I am not talking about narcissism nor being selfish. 

Too many times, I have seen my clients struggle with their significant others, feeling unloved, uncared about and totally at their mercy when things aren’t working out well.  Of course, no one really likes when things are going badly.  But I’m referring to these people feeling like they don’t matter or are totally worthless unless they are loved by someone else.

The power of one

Being in a relationship is wonderful.  It certainly enhances your life.  But it is not meant to complete you.  When your happiness is dependent on either being involved with another person or on how they respond to you, you are giving away your personal power.  So what happens if the relationship ends?  Or, if something tragic happens and your partner is taken away from you?  Yes, of course, you will feel grief because of the loss.  But will you be in a position where you can no longer function?

I would also suggest that when people have not worked out their issues and give their love to their partner, there are likely to be problems ahead.  Often, this giving is really done as an insurance policy -- sort of like, “I give to you to make sure you value me.”  It’s not an unselfish giving.  This will often lead to the giver not feeling appreciated or let down by the lack of reciprocity.

It’s hard to give to someone what you don’t have.  So, go ahead and make the investment in nurturing and loving yourself.  To spin off of a popular commercial, it will be priceless!