Killing Your Relationship with Your Thoughts

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     After being in practice for over 20 years, I’ve met a lot of couples and heard lots of stories of unhappiness.  I’m happy to report that most of these partnerships remain intact after they’ve learned the skills to having a successful relationship.  For others, what’s needed is a greater compassion for one another’s issues.

Of course, there are times when a relationship must end.  When there’s abuse or there’s so much toxicity in the interaction, a relationship is better off ending.  I never look negatively at people who have issues -- what does sadden me are those who refuse to work on their issues.

Perhaps, the saddest situation, and one that luckily is rare, is a situation I am presently facing with a couple with whom I’m working.  This is a young couple who has been married eight years; they have three children -- three year old twins and a younger sib.

The facts 

Initially, the man said that though he loved his wife, he was no longer in love with her.  He did, however, want to get the feelings back.  In an intervention I rarely use, we decided that he’d leave the house for a while.

What finally became revealed is that he has been very angry for a very long time.  From his perspective, though he was always very giving in the relationship he felt that his wife put everyone before him.  Rightful complaint!  However, he never voiced it -- at least not directly.

As we worked, she acknowledged her behavior and was able to understand why she acted as she had -- things like her own insecurities from her background, being given wrong advice by his parents, etc.  She is clearly willing to “own” her part and make changes.  In the weeks that passed, she did, in fact, alter how she responded to him.

And yet, with each week that passed, he became more vigilant in his position. This attitude was in spite of research I provided about the detriment to the children, the expertise I offered about people’s ability to change, or the findings that many couples who stay together in spite of their difficulties do find their marriages are okay once again in five years.

The reason I find this particularly sad is not only because of the children but because I truly believe this is a marriage that could be saved.  Yes, there are problems, but they are issues that can be remedied.

Why?

So, what’s the block?  (By the way, I have good reason to believe there is not another woman.)  In my personal opinion, I think that the hurt he has experienced is triggering issues from his past.  I am privy to that information.  However, when I bring it up to him, he refuses to go there.  Admittedly, it’s hard for many to re-experience the pain from childhood.  And the harsh reality is that therapy is only as good as the willingness of the client to work on the issues.

The other less psychological explanation is that, as humans, we rewrite history.  If you think the feelings are gone, it will only intensify more of the same.  It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy:  you get what you expect to get.  In this case, the more you think about a lack of feelings of love, the more you won’t feel the feelings of love. 

As I’ve said before, each of you has the power to control your life and the way your life is going.  Want to end your relationship?  Start to focus on everything that’s wrong and the thought that you just have no more feelings left for your mate. 

On the other hand, no relationship is perfect.  Start to focus on the good traits in your significant other and value the person he or she is and watch the feelings grow.  You can do it -- you just have to want to!