Misunderstandings that Destroy Relationships

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Last weekend, several members of my family went to look in on my mother-in-law in Florida who suffers from Alzheimer’s -- awful disease.  While there, we found out that my husband’s uncle suffered a heart attack and was in critical condition.  Coincidentally, his aunt (not married to this uncle) was put in the hospital to remove 2 ½ liters of fluid from her stomach as a reaction to the chemo she’s getting for ovarian cancer.  As you can well imagine, it was quite a visit! 

To keep from totally stressing out, we had to maintain a perspective of being grateful that we could offer support and actually try to look at the situation as dark comedy.  For me, personally, when I’m aware of so much sickness, it also serves as a reminder of the need to appreciate what I have; after all, one never knows when that can change.

What complicates this particular situation is that the spouse of my husband’s uncle who suffered the heart attack is his second wife.  Now I haven’t been privy to all that has gone on, but I do know there has been a strain in their family, between his children and this second wife.

I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m a psychologist or just because of my personality, but it ended up that I was put into the role of hearing each side.  To be more succinct, I heard the complaints of each side.  I was asked to relay the medical status of the uncle to his children (one was in New York, the other was vacationing in Paris).  Both chose to not immediately come to the hospital in spite of the fact that their father did seem to be in rather grave condition.  Rather, the New York son was surprising his father for Father’s Day and coming down the next weekend.  Naturally, each side had their own response to this behavior.  I tried to stay neutral without expressing judgment.

Two sides to the same coin

Then, something interesting happened which provoked the writing of this blog.  This same son had been calling the nurse’s station to inquire about his father’s health.  However, his father had been moved to a different facility and when he called, they asked for a security code, which he didn’t have.

He called me to ask how his father was doing and said that he knew the wife was blocking him from finding out information.  I told him I didn’t think that was the case.  He said, “Oh, I’m sure it was her -- you don’t know her like I do.”

The next morning I called the wife for an update on the uncle’s condition and inquired about the security code.  She assured me it was hospital policy and not something she'd do.  She also indicated that she'd received a call from her husband’s children the night before but by the time she got home it was too late to call them.  She called first thing in the morning and even though she called their home number, she reached them and they said they were in the airport.  “How could that be?” she asked me, as if she was seriously questioning their honesty.   I explained call forwarding.  She accepted that but added, “Okay, but they’re not nice people; you don’t know them like I do.”

Well, at least that’s one sentiment they agree upon!

Creating unnecessary roadblocks

Why am I writing this whole incident to you?  Because I think it typifies what goes on in so many relationships and in so many families.  There’s a misunderstanding or misreading of some sort, based on pre-conceived notions, people keep their hearts closed, get hurt, the relationship shuts down and everyone loses.  Through the years of my practice, I have heard so many stories of families that are torn apart by misunderstanding and miscommunication.

Now, I do realize that there are some dysfunctional families that are so toxic that separation is required.  But, for most, this drastic move is not necessary.  When you look at a situation, be aware that the way you are thinking about it will have a lot to do with how it turns out because you’ll act according to your thoughts.  Others will then react based on how you've acted. 

Family is important. At least, remember to stay open to the possibility that there is an explanation for someone’s behavior other than the one you have already assigned to it.  It can make all the difference in the world -- a world that can change on a dime.

PS - This posting was written before the sad news of the unexpected and untimely passing of Tim Russert.  His demise is yet another reminder of how quickly life changes.  I know I will be aware of his loss.  May he rest in peace.