Preventing the Spread of Stress in Your Relationship

STRESS!!  If it were spelled differently, we could say it was a four-letter word.  It certainly has become a part of our everyday vocabulary and, more importantly, a part of our everyday lives. 

And because stress has such a negative impact on our psychological and physical health, we are constantly bombarded with all sorts of products and tools to help us learn to deal with our stress.  As a matter of fact, at some point in the future, I’ll even be offering some of those tips. 

The Past Infiltrating Today

But today, I want to talk about how the stress you experience my result from the “wired-in” experiences you’ve had from your past.  And I want to further discuss how this can impact your relationships.

There is nothing absolute about stress.  There’s a phrase, “stress is in the eye of the beholder” -- we may each experience the same situation differently.  So, what you think is “a walk in the park” might really throw me for a loop.  Why?  Well, I believe that a lot of the reactions you have to a present day situation will be based on what got triggered from your past.

Here’s an example of a situation that sets me off:  I was raised in an apartment where it was me and five adults.  On the weekends, we were joined by two more great-aunts.  I’m sure, as a child, I felt overwhelmed.  Today, when I have a large group over for a Holiday dinner and everyone converges in the kitchen at once, trying to be helpful, I don’t experience it that way.  Rather, I get overwhelmed and stressed out!

When I’m a guest at someone else’s home, I observe them in the same scenario.  Guess what?  They don’t react the same way I do and I’d suggest it’s because they didn’t have the same kind of childhood experience that I did. So, consequently, they’re glad that everyone is pitching in.

Our Old Tools

In times of stress, you need comfort.  What gives you comfort is to do something that you know, something that’s familiar.  So, you revert back to a pattern that’s worked for you as a child -- your good old “survival skills” (that I’ve spoken about previously).  And you do this without even realizing you’re doing it. 

In the example above, I become “the general.”  It’s the way I try to feel in control.  There’s nothing to feel ashamed about-- but it is something to start to be aware of.

In Relationships

Oh yes -- the relationship part.  The first part is about you.  When you realize you’ve reacted to stress by going into an old survival mode, acknowledge it to your partner.  You can say something like, “When so and so happened, I really got grabbed.”  It will really help to get things back on course.

The second part.  Your partner is human, too.  He or she is going to do the same process when under stress.  So when you’ve picked it up in him or her (because it’s always sooo much easier to see in someone other than yourself), rather than attack your mate, try to be understanding.   That doesn’t mean you should be a doormat but you can approach your partner with a compassionate awareness of what may be going on. 

The more awareness you bring into your relationship about you and about your partner, the more satisfying and meaningful it will be!