Relationship Adaptations to Make It Work

There’s an old expression that many of you may be familiar with: “What you see is what you get.”  It’s pretty clear especially as it pertains to relationships: the person is who he or she is and you should not go into a relationship thinking they are going to change.

I also add another part to the saying:  The only thing that changes is that you get more of it.  By that I mean that as each person becomes more comfortable in the partnership, they relax and the trait shows itself more.  I’ve already addressed this in a past blog, so I won’t go into this again.

Some changing thoughts on change

However, in this posting, I want to look at a different angle.  At the most recent Smart Marriages Conference I attended, there was a throw away line made by one of the speakers about his wife who said, “If you didn’t want to change, why did you get married?”  This remark has stayed with me for several months, and my interpretation is that when you are in a committed relationship, it is likely that each of you will do some adapting to the other.

Dr. John Gottman, who is an esteemed researcher in the area of relationships, has found that 69% of the time, couples will not be compatible with one another!  Does that number surprise you?  It does seem high.  Here’s the good news: It basically means that there’s nothing wrong with your relationship if you don’t agree on everything -- as a matter of fact, don’t expect to.

But I think that Dr. Gottman’s work probably has to do with the little day-to-day incidents. You don’t have to like the same food.  Or, maybe you just got out of the movies and one of you thinks it made a profound statement while the other did everything not to fall asleep during it.

But it is essential for a couple to have the same values.  And on the big issues, if a couple is to move forward in their life together, though each person might not make an out-and-out change, I can’t imagine that they would be able to do so without learning to adapt to one another.

As an example, picture a couple where one is a social butterfly and the other is much more of an introvert.  Research has indicated that there’s a gene for shyness.  So, it’s not likely that the introvert is going to change.  But certainly adjustments can be made.  Perhaps, the outgoing person has a night out with friends periodically.  Or, maybe they do go out together and the extravert checks in every so often to make sure there’s not too much discomfort for his or her partner.

An important approach

But here’s the tricky part:  When you make these adaptations, can you do so without resentment?  Perhaps your family life cycle requires that you don't go back to school as you had planned.  Or, maybe the money you had earmarked for a romantic vacation now gets designated for a business investment. 

It’s important to accept these changes or your variations and respect the different needs.  You may find it necessary to have a conversation (or more than one) about how to put into action plans that will respect each of your styles.  But if you have agreed to make an adjustment, be willing to take responsibility for your choice.

Relationships are not necessarily equal but they ought to be reciprocal.  Each person must feel like they are getting something from it.  If you are harboring resentment, it will certainly damage the partnership.  Emotions don't go away but fester. 

So speak up, be willing to compromise, and make your changes with love.