Relationship Fantasies

Even though the divorce rate is so high in the United States, only recently dropping from the usual 50%, most people still want to get married.  And if people are choosing not to get married, I think it’s fairly safe to say that the vast majority of people would prefer to be in a relationship.

In part, this is because our society is a “couples” society, though being single no longer has the stigma it used to.  But I think that even more so, humans are social creatures and want a sense of attachment.  The brain, itself, is a social organ.  And research has shown clear evidence that there are many health benefits to being in a relationship -- both psychologically and physically.

The wrong idea

Now, as a relationships specialist I am all for relationships.  But one of the biggest problems I have is with the myth that so many people have about what they expect from their partnerships.  So many people think that their mate is going to “complete them.”

Where does this come from?  I’d venture to say from all the romance novels and songs and movies.  Aaah, how wonderful was the line from the Cruise film, “You had me at ‘Hello.’”  I hate to be the messenger here but these are fantasies -- they are the products of someone’s creative imagination and perhaps a wish on the parts of the designers.

Have I burst your bubble?  It’s not because I want to be upsetting.  But when you have the wrong expectation going into a relationship, it’s going to lead you down a road of heartache and disappointments.  And I truly believe that many couples get into problems because they don’t know what the realities of a relationship are.

I remember once watching TV with my husband.  Before the days of tevo where you can fast forward through a commercial, we watched a man who was surrounded by five beautiful women.  My husband commented, “Why didn’t I ever have that?”  I quickly retorted, “Because you weren’t hired for that commercial!”

Even more dramatic is the belief that your partner is supposed to anticipate all of your needs as well as meet them.  Consider this:  If you assign all this to your mate, you have virtually given up all of your personal power.  Should the relationship end, should your significant other pass away, you are virtually feeling you can no longer exist.  So, not only have you placed an unfair burden on your partner, you have sold yourself very short.

The right idea

Here’s what being in a relationship can do for you: it helps you to feel connected to someone; it helps you know you matter to another person and that you and your partner are accountable to one another.  At the very least, your relationship should offer you mutual respect.  Hopefully, in a really good relationship, you will also gain a sense of acceptance of you without judgment; you’re there for each other to offer support in the difficult periods; and you encourage one another’s opportunities and share the good times. 

Sprinkle all of the above with learning to “let go” and having a sense of humor and you’ve got the makings of both a realistic and great relationship!