Relationship Give and Take

Let's be honest -- one of the reasons you are in a relationship is because you want to get something out of it. Of course, what that "something" is can be very varied. But you don't stay in a relationship unless you're getting something from it. As a matter of fact, there's a theory which states that someone will continue a relationship as long as the benefits outweigh the costs. Once the costs are greater than the rewards, the partnership ends.

Many couples have the belief that the relationship will be equal. This, in fact, is an incorrect expectation. When you think this way, you are likely to function with a mental scorecard only to be disappointed frequently. Rather, your partnership ought to be a reciprocal one; that is, that you each feel you are getting something from it.

A different kind of balance

Sometimes, an interesting phenomenon occurs. One partner tends to give way more than the other person. What I've noticed when I've worked with couples like this is that not only is the person more generous in how he or she extends him or herself, but it seems that there is a great deal of discomfort in being the recipient of gestures on this mate's part.

Generally, this overextending of oneself is also done with others like friends or even colleagues. And ... these people would never think to ask someone to do a favor on their behalf. Most of the time, there's no resentment but derived pleasure in being to be able to do for someone else.

So, what's the problem?

What I have found is that most persons who over-extend in the way I am describing are unknowingly doing so as an "insurance policy." If you are constantly doing for someone, you are making sure you are needed and valued. Or, it may be a way to make sure you are not forgotten. Clearly, these fears are based in insecurity.

As I stated in the beginning of this post, relationships are supposed to be reciprocal. When someone is committed to you, he or she doesn't want to feel that they can't give to you also. It makes things feel too lopsided and unbalanced. It's uncomfortable always being on the receiving end.

When this occurs, it can lead to many other problems. Just recently, I was reminded of this in several different situations:

1. A new female client couldn't understand why every relationship ended when she was always willing to "serve" the men she dated.
2. A friendship became very strained because one friend who was desperately in need of support refused to take it, though all the while making herself available to others.
3. A male client who came from a childhood background where he had no emotional nurturing was too uncomfortable taking it in from a very loving, devoted wife. He ended up having an affair which felt safer to him because it wasn't really a true relationship.

When you love someone or care about them deeply you want to be able to give to them, be there for them, and act in ways to let them know you care. Solid relationships are about give... and take!

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